Fri Sept 7, 2012, 22.28: My impressive hard-man stoicism: Have just burnt my finger on a cigarette and got a blister and it hurts and I don't like it. But, being a man, I won't even mention that.
Fri Sept 7, 2012, 20.53: Observing one's own mood shift: If you go past the 30 minute mark "power" napping it often throws you into a groggy, naggy, miserable fug. Woke up feeling all sorry for the self and full of hollow ennui, like something out of a Camus novel, stuck on my lonesome on the outskirts of Oswestry on a Friday night (Feeding cats AGAIN) as the curs-ed nights draw in sooner and sooner... then I remembered I could have coffee, and a cigarette... and food... and look, there's magazines, and books, and the TV, and the INTERNETS and Game of m'f'kin Thrones on DVD... and there's owls hooting in the whispering branches of the trees outside... and Maisie purring and dribbling on my laptop, gazing adoringly into my food-providing eyes... Mmn. It's alright this. Don't actually have anything at all to complain about. Dammit.
Mon Aug 27, 2012, 10.02: Today is "castles I overlooked for too long" day part #1. If you have a castle you feel Thomas has overlooked for too long, text the word WTF to 0800 444 4444 4 with the name of your castle, or visit our facebook page. Today: Stokesay, Ludlow and Roy.
Sun, Aug 26, 2012, 16.42: Bank holiday success: My existence this weekend has thus far been so louche, lazy, vague and unstructured that this morning I had a surprisingly difficult time working out what day it was. Or rather I knew what day it was, but couldn't quite work out how it had got to be now. This is what bank holidays are for. What day is it again?
Sat, Aug 25, 2012, 00.56: This evening I have been largely sensible, but my hair has, for reasons unknown, been slightly bonkers. I like to tell myself this makes me "multi-faceted".
Fri Aug 24, 2012, 17.46: This Job: Some days you finish feeling utterly useless, having banged your head against various brick walls in sheer panic for very little return... but then some days you finish feeling like THE MUHFUGGIN BOMB. Today was the latter: did some Journalism (check the capital J). If what I did this afternoon doesn't go national, I'll eat my muhfuggin "hat". Muhfuggers.
Thu Aug 23, 2012, 23.54: Following motorcyclist on way home with big black patches on his (her?) shoulders. It was freaking me out: Against pitch black night sky looked like he (she?) HAD no shoulders - just stumpy torso and too-long neck, with motorcycle helmet wobbling about on top. You're trying to picture this now. Visualise it. Isn't it freaky? Long-necked things are freaky.
Wed Aug 22, 2012, 10.55: As the prize arse Kanye West put it so well "I'm a lyrical wordsmith": I don't care if the grammar is suspect, "God damn, it’s that mice and men shit again/It gang agley as it aft will/God damn, it’s that mice and men shit again/Bop-bee-dee-bee-ba-dee-dah-bah-dah-dah" is lyrical GOLD.
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 23.22: Joe posts: "Watching They Live and very excited about interviewing 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper tomorrow. I will make him put on the glasses." THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED!!1!!! That is all.
Sun Aug 19, 2012, 00.38: This weekend have successfully adjusted body clock to getting up/going to bed at an "advanced" hour ahead of week of late shifts next week (it wasn't that much of a challenge). Have successfully adjusted friend's cat's body clock also. But friend is back tomorrow. Whoops.
Wed Aug 15, 2012, 22.08: X-TREME CAT FEEDING: Tonight I have had a power nap, eaten some fish, fed someone else's cat and had a bath. I know some people think I spend most of my free time continuously having baths, eating fish, sleeping and feeding other people's cats, but I assure you that's not the case.* Bit worried I am becoming a parody of my own good self.
* I don't eat as much fish as I used to (not since I overdid the smoked mackerel).
Tue Aug 14, 2012, 00.06: The internet tells me "Tom Hardy's Bane workout will pump you up!" Well, let me tell the internet: "No. No it will not." I'm not doubting it COULD "pump me up" if I let it; but, as a prophetic vision of the future, I fear this prediction is extremely unlikely to come true.
Mon Aug 13, 2012, 23.35: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sheesh. Yuck. Hot n tired. Tired n hot. Sweaty n bone-weary. Feel a bit like the opening scene of Apocalypse Now.
Thu Aug 9, 2012, 22.50: F***ing terrifying: Leaving the house I started down the empty road and suddenly heard the voice of a small child - I mean a toddler - babbling behind me. Not just behind me. Behind me and ABOVE MY HEAD. I glanced down the street, still empty. Must've been a child at an open window, I thought, carrying on. Then again - though further behind this time - I could make out the words "There's a man." Was it talking about ME? "That's not my daddy." Ok, keep walking, don't look back... I unlocked my car, ill at ease. "He's getting in the car," it said, as I got in the car and peered down the road. No one in the street. No child leaning out of a window. Nothing. Except for the INVISIBLE FLOATING BABY THAT COMMENTATES ON MY EVERY MOVE, obviously.
Wed Aug 8, 2012, 18.27: My new career: Was told today that a lady I had put through to advertising wanted to know who I was because I had a sexy phone-voice and "should be doing voice overs or something". Or operating a specialist phone line for lonely ladies of a certain age. As compliments go this of little more consequence than "you've got amazing toes"; but hell, beggars can't be choosers, I'll take whatever I can get.
Tue Aug 7, 2012, 23.38: Obviously no-one knew what gave.
Sun Aug 5, 2012, 22.12: Can hear fireworks. Thought Flower Show was NEXT weekend. What gives?
Sat Aug 4, 2012, 17.24: It's Saturday, and that means a craving for HOT PRAWN TOAST from the takeaway in what seems to have become a weird weekly biological imperative. Last week I successfully resisted. Not sure I fancy my chances today.
Fri Aug 3, 2012, 00.13: Why I am not Edith Piaf: I saw an out of print (I think) penguin dictionary of commonly misused words in a second hand bookshop in West Norwood last time I was down. Stupidly, didn't buy it, and regretted within the hour. Still do. I'm no Edith Piaf.
Tue July 31, 2012, 00.27: Genuine conversation overheard today: Person A - "I'm not really into comedians"; Person B - "No, I don't find them funny"; Person A - "Except Peter Kay, he's alright"; Person B - "I like shows". Take what you will from that, I'm saying nothing.
Sun July 29, 2012, 15.11: Watching virtually entire Olympics ceremony at the Ledge's after returning from pub at 1am, while continuing to drink, not wisest choice (but my Gods, I miss trading dry, absurd and wise-assed snipes in front of the TV with that man). Morning and half of afternoon appears to have gone, already. Head appears to be stuffed with cotton wool. Voice appears to have deepened to a low rumble that could level buildings. Don't expect much from me today.
Fri July 27, 2012, 17.29: 10 years old but still annoying (for Claire): "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got/I'm still Jenny from the block". Oh! Jenny! I was FOOLED, Jenny! I heard you banging on about how successful you were, and saw the video with your glamorous lifestyle, entourage and movie star (then) boyfriend, and it FOOLED me. Jenny. But now, because you shouted "From the Bronx!" I can see how what a fool I've been - you obviously hate all that stuff and are just a regular down-to-earth un-materialistic girl-next-door, Jenny. It's a bit like when I was "fooled" by Bernard Manning's racist jokes into thinking he was actually racist. Silly me.
Thu July 26, 2012, 23.13: Britain's Secret Treasures: Michael Burke says: "These are not treasure found by experts - but by YOU, the British Public." Oh, really Michael? By ME? Aren't I good. Funny, don't remember doing that, with or without the rest of the "British Public" at my side; and I suspect all those dedicated treasure hunters who may not be "experts" (or on TV, since TV people are apparently removed from US, the "British Public") but go out every weekend to find the majority of these things may take exception at being lumped in with every other unwashed peasant scratching their belly in front of the TV. You patronising bastard.
Mon July 23, 2012, 00.37: Tough day, tough day. Bye Bertie.
Fri July 20, 2012, 19.54: Was attacked by a seagull today. It drew blood. It might have been because its chicks were just six foot from the car as I got out; or it might have been because NATURE IS REBELLING AGAINST ME on account of my unnatural dabbling in the dark arts, in an epic struggle between good and evil... Either way, my self-image as a Doctor Doolittle type whom the animals adore has taken a bit of a beating.
Tue July 17, 2012, 22.29: Mid-week late-evening brain death: What was I going to do? *blinks blankly at screen for 10 minutes* Gah! F'k it. Cup of tea.
Mon July 16, 2012, 18.35: Yes, I still get a buzz from from wearing a press badge at a function. Even if it is scrawled on in biro and looks like I might have made it myself, it's still official, dammit. In other news, I had two canapés. Count 'em.
Thurs July 12, 2012, 23.41: Meeting tiny close blood relative for the first time tomorrow (or maybe Sat). May blow my mind, a bit. What does one say to one's first and so-far only nephew? "How do you do?"; "'sup?"; "Yo yo yo!"; "Hale, and well met my fine fellow,"; "Arright, where you bin, what you found out?"...? Um...
Wed July 11, 2012, 18.53: Words-on-the-back-of-lorries-that-sound-like-they-might-make-good-band-names: Two today - the "Caution Horses" (earnest singer/songwritery mid-90s indie outfit) and "Convoi Exceptionnel" (early 80s experimental synth-goth pioneers). Yes, my commute is boring.
Sun July 8, 2012, 2.29: Men have hairCUTs, women hairDOs, that's right, isn't it? Had the barnett sharpened today, so you may point at me and say "haircut!" if you like. The new one looks rather like the old one, but it is, strangely enough, shorter. Can you imagine such a thing?
Sun Jul 1, 2012, 19.32: An undercurrent of heretofore unnoticed self esteem issues/social paranoia in The Monkees theme: Why do they choose to start their self-tribute by commenting on the funny looks that "everyone they meet" give them? Why do they feel the need to protest "We're just trying to be friendly"? Who is suggesting they "put anybody down"? All those people saying they monkey around obviously had an effect.
Sat Jun 30, 2012, 19.05: Experimenting with smoothie making in drive to EAT MY GREENS LIKE A GOOD BOY. 1st attempt tasted good enough, but felt a bit ill after. It could be that downing four of your five-a-day in under two minutes is a bit over-eager; or it could be that my stomach is extremely confused by what the hell this alien matter is that I've just put in it ("What the hell is this? It's like some crazy drink that isn't coffee!")
Fri Jun 29, 2012, 17.19: Am very much enjoying the word "excellent" at the moment. A clean, vibrant "excellent" sounds so much more convincing and businesslike than "great" or "thanks" or "awesome", like a frim but friendly handshake. And makes for excellent sarcastic use, also. Excellent.
Thu Jun 28, 2012, 20.37: What weather can do to a mood: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Couple of beers in the garden. Couple of laughs. Chicken tikka in my belly. End of the week tomorrow. You know what? Life is actually all right at the moment... I know! That's me saying that! Who'da thunk it, where'd that come from?
Wed Jun 27, 2012, 00.30: Comments and suggestions #1: I don't understand why a butternut squash (or any other squash) is called a "squash". It is not a drink/cordial/fruit-based concentrate. Neither is it noticeably squashed. This is confusing. It is confusingly named. Please correct this.
Mon Jun 25, 2012, 19.54: Matt: "My mate entered a competition to be the Milky Bar Kid. He got down to the final 5. But he wasn't blonde enough. Or blue eyed enough. And then they found out he was circumcised."
Sun Jun 24, 2012, 15.46: Men compliment each other too: The first thing Ledge did when he walked into the pub was point at my Birthday Tweed (casually but tastefully combined with t-shirt and action slacks), and utter a robust and authoritative "Excellent stuff." And Pip bought me bath salts (I do, after all, spend a good proportion of my life in the bath). We are, like, modern 90s men, and everything.
Tue Jun 19, 2012, 0.52: *To accompany above picture, a Zen poetry reading*: "Dreading the heat, I sleep no more; on the empty stairs I walk the cool moonlight. The icy disk is flawless, so bright you can see a hair; late night clears the liver and lungs like drinking most pristine snow. It's like I'm about to change into a mountain immortal mounted on a phoenix soaring into the silent void." ...well, quite. A touch unexpected, that final line, but, hell, we've all been there... haven't we?
Sat Jun 16, 2012, 20.23: Efficient tea, take #2: While kettle boils slice cheese into gob. Open spinnach leaves and snack on those muthas like they're frickin' crisps or summat. Pour boiling water into pan, bring to boil, lob yer eggs in. Pop a bunch of cherry tomatoes like them muthas are frickin' candy or summat. Open tin of mackrel and shovel in cake-hole. Douse eggs, peel and gnosh like them muthas are frickin' cakes. Or summat. Tea done. Who needs a frickin' plate?
Sat Jun 16, 2012, 2.40: TV announcer says: "Next, a spirit who can cause death in the living..." Death in the LIVING? Imagine that! A ghost that can kill people? What a concept! What film did they say that was? *Gets up TV guide* ...TV guide says: Teleshopping.
Thu Jun 14, 2012, 1.45: Record yourself slowly and thoughtfully stating the options; Do whichever one your voice sounds happiest saying.
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.54: Hay highlights #6: Enough damn Hay highlights, already.
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.54: Hay highlights #5: Shappi Khorsandi appeared unprepared for the fact there might be kids in the audience, hence got sense a lot of material was hastily dropped from set and it ended up more merely "gently amusing" than it should have been, perhaps. But then I find her disturbingly hot, so didn't really care.
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.40: Hay highlights #4: Man in bookshop overhears me waffling excitedly at Al about Wittgenstein's Tractatus (I was buying some Quine, bought some W. in that same bookshop last year) and turns around keen to discuss analytic philosophy. "Are you a philosopher?" he says. "Hmm, nah," I say, "Used to teach it." to which Al chips in "YES HE IS." My Ray Stantz moment - To paraphrase Winston Zeddemore: "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a philosopher, you say YES."
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.33: Hay highlights #3: Al got on stage for a bit of "mathematical proto theatre" with 'maths laureate' Marcus du Sautoy, who was talking bout the success or otherwise of drama in representing high-level mathematical concepts on the stage. Fascinating, and fun - better than his talk last year.
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.26: Hay highlights #2: Sat six foot from BRIAN F***ing ENO. Talk itself a bit dry - he was really there to publicise the work of his mate from Clientearth, whom he appeared with. Lots of very serious talk on the future of global economics and environmentalism during which I had a hard time shaking this kind of thing out of my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Z4YM-QZbSxM#t=93s
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 15.11: Hay highlights #1: Alain de Botton - Looking at the moon, you realise there's something bigger than your own raging ego and the "permanent disappointment of living among other human beings," he said, which is the kind of thing that makes me guffaw in recognition - am stealing that line. Not about the tired Religion/Atheism debate at all really, more a meditation on what we are missing from secular life, with plenty of (slightly bleak) witticisms.
Sun Jun 10, 2012, 14.57: Blissful day at Hay yesterday - it's so "me" it's painful, wordy, pretentious and ever so middle class as it is... bought too many books. Bobbing around the festival cracking wise with Al, suggested I should direct my attentions to all the Bohemian Hipster Girls (BHGs) kicking around. Intended outcome - swapping numbers while reclining on deck chairs, sipping Pimms and chatting about books. Typical outcome - clocking someone, thinking "she's alright", perhaps dropping a vaguely witty comment over the book stall and then going away again, slightly sad.
Thu Jun 7, 2012, 22.19: F***king hair: Yes, ok, am going bald. No, this is not breaking news (have not been able to affect a luxuriant fringe since 2007). But now can clearly see scalp behind the front tuft at 20 paces. Half of me shrugs the shoulders, half of me is inconsolable with grief, a bit. F***ing hair, you fickle fiend, you.
Tue Jun 5, 2012, 21.01: Things you don't hear people say #7: "I miss that there's not street dance on the TV all the time anymore."
Sun Jun 3, 2012, 14.37: An ex-student writes: "Tom I think it's your fault that I hate everything that real people like." Ah, my work is done. One of those proud moments like, I imagine, watching your firstborn graduate or drive away in their first car. Excuse me... *fans face with hand* I'm tearing up a bit here...
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 20.50: "Why are you being cynical about the Jubilee?" asked Pip. I peered at him and blinked with intense curiosity and surprise "How long have you known me? Why would I NOT be cynical about the Jubilee?" - This said, having a lovely loooong weekend n will be touring multiple street parties on Monday. It's just that the word "bunting" makes me pull a face, almost unconsciously, and I have reputation to keep up.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 19.59: Putting salt on a slug sucks all the moisture out of it's body. So what happens if you put it in salty water? With a tiny cork collar to keep its head above the water so it doesn't drown first (of course). While we are all kind of intrigued to know, we decided none of us are that keen to start down the sinister road of conducting animal experiments at home...
*May need to rethink the cork collar. At this rate my predictions are: Slug would simultaneously drown and have all moisture sucked from its dry head. What a way to go.
Sun May 27, 2012, 22.35: "Death is everywhere - there are flies on the windscreen for a start," said Depeche Mode in 1986. And dammit, they were right. The amount of squished bug life on the front of my conveyance is ridiculous. But I don't care: I have enjoyed driving around with the window down* and the sleeves rolled up this weekend, noting the high incidence of the phrase "break-uh-daaaawn" in the Beastie Boys back catalogue.**
* or the air con on. Not window down AND the air con on, that would just be decadence. Although I did that too, once.
** Two band name drops in one status is also, probably, decadence.
Sat May 26, 2012, 19.53: No sweepstake this year then: For the first year since I was an egg, will not be doing the annual beers-sneers-n-cackles fest that is Wilde's Eurovision get-together. Wilde is in London. Ledge is too. Pip is working. I am too (in the office now, probably needlessly). How did this happen? What a massive, massive Euro balls up. Next up: Not bothering with Christmas this year, either.
Thu May 24, 2012, 22.27: In other news, excellent day's kicking about. My face is a bit 'shiny'. This either means a) I've caught the sun or b) I have been speaking with the LORD, like Moses when he came down from Mount Sinai. Don't remember doing b), but can't rule it out.
Thu May 24, 2012, 22.19: More soap for the dumb bubble: Went to cinema, noticed trend in trailers to whit - Take actual serious historic events or persons, and recast as comic book bollox. We're doomed.
Mon May 21, 2012, 21.21: I have rolled up my shirt sleeves. That's me breaking out my summer look, and "fashion" cannot stop me.
Mon May 21, 2012, 18.33: "...And life becomes just that little bit more joyless": Pretty sure I've got a chest infection - So I thought I'd better stop smoking and then I stopped smoking, and Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.
*18.45: Just had a cigarette. Nobody take me as a role model, please.
Sun May 20, 2012, 19.40: On the way to the shops you walk past an unknown man pulling some kind of home made go-kart affair with a small child in it by a string. Neither of them look at you, but the child suddenly says "It's Tom!" and points roughly in your direction. "Yep," says the man. Still neither have looked at you, and they walk on. This kind of thing makes you distinctly uneasy.
Wed May 9, 2012, 23.14: Pfff, give me a break, not that again: You know it's been raining a bit too much when you're sick and tired of the sound of your own wind-screen wipers.
Tue May 8, 2012, 19.22: 48 hours holed up ill in a room, emerging only occasionally to haunt the corridors of the house like a barely-sentient, drooling, pestilent, dressing-gown-swathed phantasm leaves one with unplaceable anxiety... Where are we? What day is it again? Who am I?
*I meant to add: The first person who makes the "What's different then?" or "Sounds like business as usual for you then," gag gets a SLAP IN THE KNEES.
Sat May 4, 2012, 12.04: Odd dream: It turned out I was heir to the throne, for reasons not clear, because the Queen was not my mum. Anyhow, they put me in a poorly furnished outhouse in the grounds Buckingham Palace. I was working in a petrol station. They then deposited 120,000 in my account, but were baffled when I hadn't spent any of it after a week. "There's no rush," I said, "When I'm King, there'll be some changes round here." Freudian dream analyses welcome.
*Early thoughts - either: "Despite the humble elements of my current situation my massive ego will see me through" or "Procrastination is King".
Fri May 4, 2012, 17.37: Still buzzing from last night. It was like the the Eurovision song contest but harsher. And the music was better. And, no offence, but the contestants weren't as pretty.
Fri May 4, 2012, 03.43: Well, gee. A non-eventful hour and half with very little going on, then all hell broke loose - results flying out at a speed barely able to process: balcony, press room, balcony, press room, scribble, calculator, phone, scribble, calculator, phone - ah I need to talk to that guy! F'kin LOVED it.
Thu May 3, 2012, 23.27: Kicking about at the local election count in Wrexham. So far lots of... well, counting. Tried to take picture of me and Liam in front of bustling hall. Failed to get bustling hall in picture. Hence have picture of two blokes, who could, frankly, be anywhere.
Wed Apr 18, 2012, 23.39: Worries that one never expected to have: Right, now, everyone. When I'm dead, none of you had better make a hologram of me appear live on stage with you. I can tell you now, I'd take exception to that.
Mon Apr 16, 2012, 22.00: Sometimes things I say don't quite come out right #5: "Sure, he was serial killer in the sense that he KILLED A LOT OF PEOPLE... but he wasn't SEXUALLY WEIRD about it." Give the guy a break, huh? (Jury is still out on what the proper motivation for serial killing should be.)
Thu Apr 12, 2012, 21.59: Didn't really expect to be interviewing Nick Clegg when I went to work this morning. Either 1) It went ok; or 2) My career is over. I can't really decide which.
Wed Apr 11, 2012, 19.27: It's the little touches that give it away: The words "I'll see what I can find and get back to you..." may have reassured me that the press officer did indeed intend to see what they could find and get back to me. The fact that they were then about to put down the phone without asking for either my phone number or email address didn't reassure me of this so much.
Tue Apr 10, 2012, 19.42: Trevor MacDonald is travelling the Mississippi on the telly. What must the people of New Orleans make of Trevor, a man whose pronunciation of their fair city has a whole two extra syllables to their own? New Or-lee-ans. N'orlins.
Sat Apr 7, 2012, 17.32: CARTREFLE CREW I'M ON MY WAY! Well, after a shower and a sit down with a coffee. Hellish excited about seeing everyone - Congrats Mac & Charlotte!
Fri Apr 6, 2012, 16.22: Today I will be eating fish because some guy died or summat 2,000 years ago and... what? He came alive again? Eh? You're kidding me! Well, Jeez, I dunno about all that. I was just going to get some fish. Suggestions on "WHICH FISH?" are welcome.
Tue Apr 3, 2012, 00.18: At the risk of being accused of Social Media confusion, retweeting this, from Giss: "Time for a grumble...the bl*ody inland revenue recon I owe them £382, as if I don't pay enough tax. To quote Pantera "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" - Never realised how often I quote Pantera.
Mon Apr 2, 2012, 22.54: Ye Gods! That was a long day. Woke up in a zoned-out moody fug of ennui that I never really shook off. Leave house: 9am. 16 allotment sheds broken into. 21 car windows smashed. Planning committee (dull). Get home: 10.30pm. Now I think I must dispose of some spirits that have been hanging around the house for too long. Yes, I think I must do that.
*I should make clear I am not a Ghostbuster, I am just drinking things.
Sun Apr 1, 2012, 12.32: I've tried to think of something untrue to put here so I could then laugh a superior laugh at everyone who, in show of good natured open-mindedness, thought "oh, ok then", because I'm told that's what people do today. But then I remembered life's a bit short.
Mon Mar 26, 2012, 13.34: My predictable stock gags #1: The well-placed "It's a bit like life, really, isn't it?" is a perpetual favourite recently discovered to work well when playing computer games: Game Playing Friend: "All I'm doing is wandering around and then I die." *pause* Me: "It's a bit like life, really, isn't it?"; GPF: "I feel like I'm doing well, but I'm really not." *pause* Me: "It's a bit like life, really, isn't it?"; GPF: "You've just got to avoid the massive balls firing at you." *pause* Me: "It's... er..."; I'm here all week, folks. Try the fish.
Sun Mar 4, 2012, 16.02: Man alive, this must be the laziest weekend I've spent for... ooh at least a fortnight. Slept far too much today, which doesn't bode well for the necessary early night in preparation for the blasphemous "week of earlies" I've got to endure next week. In other news, just noticed the cardboard box of stuff to sort through from the recent move says, bafflingly, "Praetorian Soft Touch" on the side, which made me laugh to myself like a strange'un, laughing at a cardboard box.
Thu Mar 1, 2012, 21.40: Gah. It's 9.30. Short hand exam tomorrow. One cigarette left. Tired. What do I do next? You decide: i) More short hand; ii) Long bath iii) Go get smokes iv) Write wiffle on facebook status. Vote.... NOW.
*Ah. Too late, looks like I did (iv).
**I did shorthand in the bath. While smoking.
Thu Mar 1, 2012, 21.30:
Re: Conversation with Liam today - How broad, exactly, is broad daylight?
Tue Feb 21, 2012, 23.43: From the Tom Jones: "I think pancake day is as stupid as valentines day, you should love pancakes just as much every day of the year not just one day. I had pancakes on valentines day. Alone."
Mon Feb 20, 2012, 23.14: Google alert for Wrexham comes in: "Oh, hey, I was at that court case, I wonder how the Daily Mail covered it?".... "Oh, hey, they, er, LIFTED MY COPY almost word for word." In fairness I expect we put the story out for syndication, but I'm still not sure how I feel about writing for the Daily Mail - it's very flattering on the one hand, but on the other some of my friends may never speak to me again...
Thu Feb 16, 2012, 0.04: Hey, look at that... I actually got through valentines day without once acknowledging it was even happening. Well done me.
Sun Feb 12, 2012, 23.17: OMG. AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh, f*$%ing s*%^ b^((^x TIMELINE mutha%^&$ing b*^%^()£. WTF?
Tue Feb 7, 2012, 19.19: Hard to know what to say about today without being too gushy. Despite being a life-long "creative sort" I have, in my old age, got into the habit of viewing most art as: at best, either an escapist distraction from, or impotent howl into the wind against, the grim realities of existence; and at worst, a pretentious, irrelevant, self-indulgent luxury. Today, on the other hand, I have decided I MUST DEDICATE MY LIFE TO BEAUTY. Is that too gushy? I think that's too gushy.
Sun Feb 5, 2012, 00.04: Travel news: Drunk a wine which the label on the bottle said had a "long finish". I presume that means it lingers, rather than it tastes "long". The chef looked like he should be in the Barenaked Ladies. In other news my brother was detained for 25 minutes for having "traces of explosives" on his electronic goods. Saw sign which said "Largest Hot-tub Showroom", thought that would make a good song title. Ain't no snow in Lanzarote, muthacrushaz.
*"Oh, and free wi-fi in the hotel. Jurassic Park!"
Sat Jan 28, 2012, 19.07: "Personally, I think it's scary that before Facebook, all of this stuff just stayed in people's heads." (an ex-student's wisdom on the slightly-alarming-glimpse-inside-the-heads-of-people-you-know that is facebook).
**With thanks to Yona
Wed Jan 25, 2012, 23.10: My Excuse: It's not that I'm a pessimist, it's just that my ill-conceived commitment to realism tends to get me down.
Tue Jan 24, 2012, 23.16: Ah, Maslow is full of shit (You can quote me on that, kids).
Tue Jan 24, 2012, 23.04: By chance you happen across Malsow's Hierarchy of Needs. Ah, yes, that old chestnut, you think. You used to run through this with multiple classes every year. Just for fun, you squint at it closer and think "How does this apply to my life now, ho ho?"....... Ah........ Shucks...... That kind of explains things.....http://dinamehta.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needssvg.png
Wed Jan 18, 2012, 20.30: Something strange has happened to my banana. Having neglected to scarf it during office hours, I felt it an uncontroversial choice to leave it in the car overnight. The refrigerating air of these chill January nights would be sure to keep it fresh I thought. However, it has developed a browness, not the soft blotchy browness of the over-ripe fruit, but a greyish, firm, waxy finish that disturbs me to touch.
Sat Jan 14, 2012, 19.49: Bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, dammit.
*I spose it's about time. But brrrrr, all the same.
Thu Jan 12, 2012, 23.21: Bad news for those of us (like me, let's face it) of a typically "down-beat", "melancholy" disposition: Disturbed to learn that 4th century monk Evagrius Ponticus's original seven (or eight as he had it) deadly sins included both "sadness" (because it was a sin not to be filled with the joy of God) and "dejection". Jees, talk about kicking someone when they're down...
*But also, some good Metal song titles - from Proverbs: "six things the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth":A proud look. A lying tongue. Hands that shed innocent blood. A heart that devises wicked plots. Feet that are swift to run into mischief. A deceitful witness that uttereth lies. Him that soweth discord among brethren.
Fri Jan 6, 2012, 20.36: New car new car! I bid a tearful farewell to the old silver Corsa, which had sadly obviously reached the end of its natural life. But hell, it's ok, I'm sure my new, small, sensible, reasonably-priced second-hand Skoda will have much the same effect on the laydeez. Erm.
Thu Jan 5, 2012, 22.10: Ledge has changed channel back to Big bastard Brother "to see if I recognise anyone on it". His verdict after 5 mins: "It's just a load of women with legs, isn't it?" (plus some some very uncharitable words I won't repeat about that X factor man with the hair).
Thu Jan 5, 2012, 22.06: Turn on telly. Huh? WHAT? OH JESUS NO, turnitoverturnitoverturnitover... HOW is Big bastard Brother STILL going on?
Wed Jan 4, 2012, 22.39: Too much cold-light-of-day harsh reality can kind of stop you hoping or trying for anything. I have a growing suspicion that in order to strive for any ambition, you have to be a little blinkered and/or irrational: "In order to dream one must be at least partially asleep..." (*Yes, this is one for those of you who love those "deep" facebook status wisdom nuggets people spew out. Sorry.*)
Tue Jan 3, 2012, 22.59: Yes, the weather outside is like something out of a gothic romance. But frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.Sun January 1, 2012, 22.48pm: These new-fangled years aren't as good as they used to be.
Sun January 1, 2012, 22.36pm: Aw, what? Another new year, y'say? Looking upon 2012 with a wild surmise - this year promises to be a third year of massive shifts and changes for me and many of my close ones. But at least this time around there's a pretty strong chance those will be changes and shifts for the better... Still, a lot of work to be done, phew. And a shout out to Giss n Gaynor's Untitled Baby #1 - hi there, Untitled Baby #1.
Sun January 1, 2012, 1.32am: Happy New Years and a goodnight. No 6am finish for me this year, I must get up and do the news tomorrow.
Sat December 31, 2011, 15.51pm: Weird New Year: working tomorrow, so it will be cut short tonight. I must, like Cinderella, leave at the stroke of midnight.
Wed December 28, 2011, 21.52pm: Everything you need to know about why I gave up on the unnecessary social pressure of Christmas cards: Opening up what I'd previously thought were "a few" cards from die-hard traditionalists at work on Christmas Eve, it quickly became clear I had one from EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE. Having sent none, I felt terrible shame, broke years of Christmas card abstinence and handed them out today. Which met with the response "Oh, I didn't notice you hadn't/I thought I already had yours." Quite.
Sun December 25, 2011, 16.52pm: Oh, hey there, how's it going, happy Christmas and that y'all. I saw the the Queen this afternoon and, coincidently, she said something similar.
Sat December 24, 2011, 22.11pm: Minimum-fuss power-Christmas.
Sun December 11, 2011, 17.21pm: What Bieber does in his TV specials is really nothing to do with me (it may surprise my public to learn) - and yet, when he started rapping "Arup-a-pum-pum-rup-a-rup-a-pum-pum" I still felt embarrassed.
Sat December 10, 2011, 15.01pm: My afternoon: Must do some Christmas shopping today. What do I get people? *stares blankly for 10 mins* Mmn. Better go into town. It's going to be horrible, isn't it? *stares blankly for 10 mins* Crap, time is ticking on. Where do I go? *stares blankly for 10 mins* What would they like? What do they need? *stares blankly for 10 mins* I've GOT to do some Christmas shopping today. Come on. Ideas? *stares blankly for 10 mins*. Please don't expect much from me this Christmas.
Sat December 10, 2011, 00.06am: Reading Harry G Frankfurt's philosophical treatise "On Bullshit", after many years meaning to get hold of it. So much love for this "book" (it's not a book, it's an essay really, wrapped up in a some book-package bullshit). Have since decided "bullshit" is possibly my favourite word in the English language, and intend to wield it like a flaming sword of truth every opportunity I get. Or some such bullshit.
Wed December 7, 2011, 00.08am: Strategies for a long commute: One grows tired of the radio or trying to find musics to suit one's mood. Back in the Ludlow days I did these things: Sing at the top of your voice, unaccompanied, like a maniac; Practice Tuvan throat singing; Speculate about a day in the life of the vehicle in front; Brood about the state of your love life (that one wasn't so advisable). Today I practised perfecting two American accents. Found myself pretty convincing by the time I got home.
Mon December 5, 2011, 00.32am: I don't suffer fools gladly. Which is to say I do suffer fools, all the damn time, with weary sad-eyed aquiescence or excruciating lilly-livered obsequiousness. But I'm not "glad" about it.
Sun December 4, 2011, 15.15pm: BAULTY SUMS IT UP: Baulty: "Have you got a plate?" Ledge: *shrugs and prods bacon under grill* Baulty: "Well how are you eating yours?" Ledge: "We just eat it straight from the grill." Baulty: *pauses* "...There's a pretty 'loose' atmosphere in this house."
Fri December 2, 2011, 17.23pm: Advertisng BS detector # 5: "Imagine if your hair felt as strong as you do." I can't even imagine what the hell that is supposed to mean, let alone carry out those instructions, L'Oreal. Do I feel stronger than my hair? How strong does my hair FEEL? They may as well have said "Imagine if your toes felt as proud as you," or "Imagine if wow bibble ghost chocolatey help."
Thu December 1, 2011, 00.56am: Kirsty's Handmade Britain: I watched that once. She was flower arranging. I thought, I'll give this go, maybe it's an insight into a fascinating world (Despite my aversion to property shows, I find Phil n Kirsty's 'frisson' diverting). I got 10 minutes in before thinking "My Holy Jesus, it's astonishing the pointless bollox people fill their lives with," not the kindest thought I've ever had. Then I remembered I've spent a large proportion of my life reading philosophy (precise Teutonic metaphysics being, in many ways, like flower arranging).
Wed November 30, 2011, 00.37am: Will most likely be reporting on the Wrexham strikes tomorrow, and should take the opportunity to give a nod of solidarity towards my teaching and public sector friends and ex-colleagues. *nods*. There.
Tue November 29, 2011, 22.43pm: I feel there are a few too many of those "tour round the UK and check out the countryside/villages/cooking/stately homes" kind of shows on TV. On the other hand, my blackened, cynical demeanour did melt slightly when Dr Charlotte Uhlenbroek turned to camera and declared, excitedly "It's fossilized monkey puzzle trees!" Though I suspect, rather than the fossilized monkey puzzle trees, it was the fact that she's quite pretty that did that.
Sat November 26, 2011, 23.19pm: Was not best pleased at having to drive half an hour in the opposite direction of home at 8.30pm when I was about to call it a night and head back, but changed my mind. There's a definite buzz to rocking up in a strange town on a Saturday night, walking into strange pub, grilling the occupants about last nights stabbing, realising you now have a story, and then disappearing off again into the night. One of those moments when one remembers what's unique about this job.
Tue November 22, 2011, 00.27am: The fact that I immediately recognised the Stanislaw Lem Google theme just made me feel hip. Well, maybe the word isn't "hip".
Sun November 20, 2011, 15.51pm: Pleased by the sight of a bird gliding low over the garden, I noticed it was a magpie. Hmm. That's one for sorrow. Who'd have guessed such a pleasant, pretty moment contained the promise of doom? About a minute later another one rocked up. Two for joy, phew. But then I wondered about the time delay - would it have counted if I saw another one half an hour later? Or the next day? Do they have to be together? Where is the cut off point?
Thu November 17, 2011, 23.05pm: Is it racist to refer to him as Set Platter?
Thu November 17, 2011, 23.04pm: *Pained expression* Oh no. How long have BBC Three been reading out facebook and twitter comments between the shows? Don't do that, that's no fun for anyone.
Thu November 17, 2011, 20.37pm: Watching pop on telly, shocked self at how much I sound like a dad: "Who's that? What's going on? Who are all these people talking? Oh, I know her, that's that N-Duz X-Factor one. HANG ON THIS IS MASSIVE ATTACK. Why are they doing Massive Attack? That was Massive Attack. Don't know who those people were though. I think one of them might have been that Incey Wincey Spider."
Mon November 14, 2011, 20.58pm: Unsure of what to do with the bare bones of this final track, it just struck me: Why don't I just whip out the old neglected polysix and JX-8P and put some big swooshes over it? Ooh yes indeed - found the prospect quite spine tingling. Isn't it nice when you find a bit of that old spark so many years into a relationship.
Mon November 14, 2011, 15.38pm: Advertising BS detector #4: "What is independence?" ask Olympus cameras. What's this? Are we going to get some telling words on the possibility (or otherwise) of true freedom from the constraints of society? A critical analysis of how the concept is used in modern parlance? No. Instead some creative types blather some vague touchy feely platitudes that leave one in no doubt that "independence" has very little to do with what camera you own.
Mon November 14, 2011, 0.03am: Holiday unease: Can never quite relax going into holiday time... This week will be the first time off I've had for nearly six months, and as usual I've got the holiday fear - with no pressure to GET THINGS DONE I've criminally wasted the weekend, with the resulting creeping unease that I've FORGOTTEN TO DO SOMETHING. Dammit I HAD PLANS for this week and TIME IS RUNNING OUT already...
Sun November 6, 2011, 22.43pm: On analysis of the angle of my head I realised the unpleasant feeling of water going up my nose was not actually because of water going up my nose. I concluded it was, in fact, coming through my sinuses from my ear canal. Not completely sure this can happen but, since I was spraying the shower nozzle at close range into my ear, it seemed like reasonable assumption.
Fri November 4, 2011, 00.18am: Depressed and worried over current uncertainty of future... Sustainable solution to the problem of how I can continue to exist continues to elude me... Response: 1. Elevate work and money worries to the level of existential crisis; 2. Brood on past failures and discarded hopes and dreams; 3. Feel old; 4. Reach for the damn cigare.... oh balls. 5. Cry.
Thu November 3, 2011, 00.33am: WHEN the smoking ban fell on pubs and clubs, folks reported that without the smell of smoke to mask things, they never realised how much these places stank of stale beer, urine and body odour. If I do stop smoking, I am a little concerned the same will be said of me.
Tue November 1, 2011, 22.59pm: I'm not saying I am giving up smoking, but will say I am increasingly reluctant to sanction smoking as part of the range of Thomas futures currently under consideration. A public consultation on the proposed reduction of tobacco smoke intake at my lungs will expire July 2012, with action to be taken by October 2014.
Tue November 1, 2011, 22.37pm: At this point it becomes clear that smoking is not just a craving, it's an ACTIVITY that that stops long stretches of life from being boring. Every 1/2 hour I will get up, reach for the lighter and smokes and realise I CAN'T. Then I'll let out an internal wail, pace about, maybe up and down the stairs, and return restless and unsatiated. Hmm. Surprised that I'm surprised by the strength of my addiction.
Sat October 29, 2011, 15.50pm: What to do tonight? Feel so crap not sure I can handle a social situation - If I go out I might just end up sitting in my own little slightly wrong world. "But isn't that what you always do?" said Ledge. Him and Anna are off to a "fancy dress COSTUME party". I told him he should go as "These harsh economic times" (cos THAT's scary), but I think he's decided just to put some shit on his face.
Thu October 27, 2011, 23.39pm: On middle-age spread: I conceded that I eat a lot of crap, but posited that it's mainly down to me spending most of my time sat in front of screen these days rather than on my feet, and suggested I needed to get more exercise. The Ledge said: "Well, it's too late, it's all catching up with you now and it won't stop until you're just a belly on legs." I thanked him for his kind words of encouragement.
Sun October 16, 2011, 3.10am: Boil up an egg, 6 minutes; douse in cold water; crack and peel; stuff in your gob, no plate, no egg cup or nuffin. Direct food. PURE FOOD. Greg Wallace and that Australian gentleman off of Masterchef would be appalled. Good. "That's how our ancestors would do it" said Baulty - damn straight. PURE FOOD.
Sat October 15, 2011, 21.04pm: I think this means I'm angry: I finally smashed up that damn crackly phone. Or tried to - even sending it flying across the garden onto the cobbles with full force over-arm only dislodged one tiny piece of plastic, but think internal damage is terminal. Feel a bit sad for the phone now, it's been a fixture of my "office" for years. Wasn't really its fault - its crackle shenanigans were just the final straw...
Wed October 12, 2011, 22.17pm: Enjoying the rerun of "History of Ancient Britain" with the Scottish dramatic man who looks like something out of Game of Thrones. He talked about places I've been in the Orkneys, which got me excited even tough I've seen it before. He said "wet that freshly broken face". He sombrely cremated a pig.
Mon October 10, 2011, 22.24pm: Ledge is all ill, proper "sick blanket and soup" style. Godammit, that probably means I'm next. "Ah well, if I'm going to get it, I'll get it." I said, which I realise was a pretty pointless thing to say. I know what you're thinking, readers: If it was the case that if I was wasn't going to get it, I'd get it, and if I was going to get it, then I wouldn't, THAT would be worth commenting on. I was thinking that too.
Fri October 7, 2011, 21.52pm: Spend twenty minutes condensing and re-writing a three-page corporate press release to try and whittle down the point and make it somewhere near readable. Then decide it's actually all just hot air after all, and far too boring for you to have the gall to pass it to the editors. WHERE IS THE NEWS? God damn it, you're wasting my time!
Tue October 4, 2011, 1.16am: Talking about art with Pip I had to admit that I've always preferred pictures of scenes, places and landscapes to portraits. I will say it's because they put you in the scene and take your imagination somewhere in a way that pictures of individual folks don't for me; but it's also, I suspect, because I don't really much like people...
Sat October 1, 2011, 12.52pm: Shrewth! It must be the hottest October of the year.
Thu September 29, 2011, 23.06pm: How do the Co-Op accompany an announcement that "There is new legislation regarding the sale and purchase of age-restricted items"? With some funtime jazzy funk, of course! Sexy ID check warning. Party-groove public service announcement. Hold the phone, I'ma get free-kay to that legislation. Check out my responsible moves. Damn those rules and regulations are the DA BOMB.
Wed September 28, 2011, 00.26am: "You talk too damn much, and it's too damn much about yourself." - Ah, The Long Goodbye, the best Marlowe...
Sun September 25, 2011, 22.34pm: Never quite understood why "flowers in your hair" was apparently such a massive deal for hippies: Yes flowers are pretty. Yes flowers are natural. Yes you have killed them for the sake of your vanity by severing them and sticking them on your bonce. This is supposed to indicate peace, love and cosmic awareness, but to this day I honestly have no idea why.
*Personally I'm content to wear stars on my brow.
Fri September 23, 2011, 22.27pm: Ledge is now considering a place in the country because you could just go outside and there'd be "loads of walks". We agreed he should take this up when he viewed the property: "How many walks has it got? I was promised five. I couldn't possibly live in a property with less than five walks." The places I'm looking at only have one, dammit.
Wed September 21, 2011, 18.05pm: The most interesting "story" on my new-look newsfeed was the first one NOT marked "top storys". Would love to know how they decide this stuff....
Wed September 21, 2011, 17.54pm: I like the way facebook has added empty "close friends" "family" and "aquaintences" groups in a half hearted "look google+, we can do groups too" gesture. Little does facebook know, I already have people grouped by "Good Quality Banter" "Poor Quality Banter" "Doesn't pipe up with banter at all" and "Do not banter, it would be inappropriate". Not that I ever use them.*
*This is not true, so don't ask which one you're in.
Wed September 21, 2011, 17.37pm: SEE WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. Actually, I'd kind of prefer it if you didn't and think it's a bit presumptuous of facebook to suggest you do. Christ almighty, what happened here? I've only been away ooh... 18 hours?... and look at the state of this place. Bad Facebook.
Mon september 19, 2011, 22.44pm: The fridge, having barely recovered from the lingering stink of the dirty German garlic sausage I ate a week ago, now stinks of the Ledge's sweaty chicken. Just to keep you all updated.
Mon September 19, 2011, 22.04pm: Bitching about work and life with Baulty, we both creased when he paused and delivered this succinct line: "Yeah. There's always something wrong." Why this was funny is hard to say - just a relief to hear someone else say it. There IS, isn't there? There's always something f***ed up that stops things working like they're supposed to; and whatever situation you find yourself in, it seems there always will be. I think I achieved some small enlightenment there, like some downbeat Zen thing...
Sat September 17, 2011, 17.01pm: Oh teeth gnash, it's 5pm already and I've still not gone up town... Everyone's at Shrewsbury Fields Forever festival today, so I'm having quiet day on my tod, spent in kind of day-dreamy fug. Quite like it. *pauses* I'm kind of a solitary bugger, aren't I?
Mon Spetember 12, 2011, 23.34pm: Over-used words #1: Inappropriate. What it's sposed to mean: You have woefully misjudged your behaviour and it's completely misaligned with your situation. How it's used: The terrifying judgement from on high - Oh my Christ, have I done something... INAPPROPRIATE? A subjective authority-stamping command - "This is my 'hood, I don't like what you're doing and I'm telling you to stop it" masquerading as a cool, detached objective statement of fact.
Sat September 10, 2011, 15.53pm: BREAKING NEWS: DOOM FALLS OVER REA STREET > Inevitable change in living situation anticipated; "Cat" currently amongst "pigeons"; Me and Ledge looking upon each other with a wild surmise; Options on table; Wider implications emerging; Logistics to consider re. current wage situation; Another major life-style shift after past year's major lifestyle shift; Damn; Life continues to be "interesting".
Thu September 8, 2011, 17.40pm: First ever death knock today, and solo too. Phew.
Tue August 30, 2011, 00.16am: Age catching up: A long weekend listening to divers musics, noodling with software, fiddling with the guitar and pondering old aspirations (fresh out of uni we were going to start up our own indie label, y'know) - made me overwhelmingly aware that I feel zero kinship with the music industry as it is today. Has it always been populated with pretentious upstarts and obnoxious posers? I spose it has - just too young to notice before.
Sun August 28, 2011, 16.45pm: Have successfully got through a week wearing light coloured linen jacket. Have established: 1) Expect Man from DelMonte comments. Say "Yes". 2) Inverted spectrum (black shirts) is fine, as long as trousers also beige 3) No one (except James) will get your "well I had to fight a Balrog, and now I'm Thomas the beige" jibe. Or if they did, pretended not to hear to save me embarrassment.
Thu August 25, 2011, 22.51pm: Recovering from "A* grade" blindness after spending the day (lets not beat about the bush, now) churning out GCSE result propaganda for schools. Aware that what I have produced is exactly what my 16 year old self (100% A-C grades) would have looked at with resentment, feeling like a failure. Actually, not a lot has changed...
Wed August 24, 2011, 23.25pm: Biggest ever Hmmm Squad turnout!!!1!! - On 1st brithday seems to have really taken off. Plus I was so impressed with Richard Hammerton's well-constructed argument that I want it in written form to recommend to other people...
Sun August 21, 2011, 13.25pm: With even Cowell too bored with the X factor to show up, was hoping it might mark the beginning of the end for the weary fanchise... but then, with the reanimated corpse of Big Brother still shuffling blasphemously across channel 5, hungry for celebrity flesh, there's probably still life (cash) in the old dog (cow) yet...
Thu August 18, 2011, 21.58pm: According to the "x-rite color IQ test" I have "perfect color vision" with a score of 0 mistakes. Well, who knew? I announced my success to the household. Ledge said "Well, I'm not sure what you want me to say." I said "I think congratulations might be in order." Ledge said "Do you want to go for a celebratory meal?" before suggesting I do it a few more times and take an average. I ignored this.
Wed August 17, 2011, 20.30pm: GOOD LUCK TO ALL MY OLD STUDENTS (AND STUDENTS THAT WEREN'T MY STUDENTS BUT STILL, Y'KNOW) - AND GOOD LUCK TO OLD COLLEAGUES TOO! *TURNS CAPSLOCK off* - seriously, all the best. I miss you kids. A bit.
Sun August 14, 2011, 21.42pm: FACEBOOK KILLER GOOGLE+ has "temporarily exceeded capacity" even to invitees, which is a shame. Was hoping to check it after Tom Gregory's enticing description at the Nags the other night: "It's like going to big school - everything's different and confusing and you've got no friends." Sounds like my kind of scene.
Sun August 14, 2011, 00.14am: Intolerable smugness: I am exceptionally good at playing Balderdash (Call My Bluff, in written form) - 1st round PERFECT score (Ledge and Anna consistently chose my fake answers, while I consistently chose the actual ones.) I am only writing this because the Ledge will not be able to tolerate my smugness and may loose his mind with rage. Oh I won "Escape from Atlantis", too. I am not competitive. Except when I win, and then I am.
Tue August 09, 2011, 19.30pm: The attackers say they're lashing out at "society". The attacked blame "society" for producing their attackers. "Society" apparently means other people, who are not, of course, us. No one likes "society".
Tue August 09, 2011, 00.00am: Forecourt cool: You pull into the petrol station. Aw, man, the only free pumps are passenger side. Do you risk it? What if the hose doesn't stretch? Do you reverse out again? Do you just DRIVE AWAY? You risk it, trying to look casual as you faff about, the sun obscuring your view of the numbers. You squeeze the trigger and stop randomly, squinting at the display. £30 DEAD ON. Uhuh. You brush your lapels and swagger to the shop - ain't NO ONE dissin your forecourt cool TODAY.
Sat August 06, 2011, 16.20pm: Every damn time. Every damn time I get my hair cut I forget to get money out first and then have to um and ah like and idiot and run to get some folding. Well: I don't get the barnet sharpened as part of a casual afternoon's shopping, see, I go in to town specifically to get the traumatic experience out of the way; and I'm like the Queen - I don't carry cash.
Tue August 02, 2011, 1.13am: Eisteddfod reporting: Not sure which was the more confusing and awkward moment - when, in the middle of a crowded pavilion, everyone around me ceremoniously stood up unannounced and started singing and I er... didn't; or when I sat for 30 minutes in the front row of a press conference conducted entirely in Welsh, waiting for the bit where questions could be asked in English that never happened.
Sun July 31, 2011, 23.37pm: Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.
*(nicked off Addicott)
Fri July 29, 2011, 21.26pm: Have only just realised today that being on call for Wrexham and Cheshire, on an evening when you've been working since 8am, when you live in Shrewsbury, and don't own a helicopter, is little bit logistically f***ed up.
Thu July 28, 2011, 23.37pm: Just kicking about on week days seems like a novelty now: Got up late, did some washing, did some shopping, tidied up (only a bit), then went for a meal with the County Times folks... could get very used this. But now the pay-off - my first weekend working on-call. Just me, a computer, a car and a telephone, waiting for stuff to kick off... hellish nervous.
Tue July 26, 2011, 23.22pm: Me: 'Karma definitely doesn't exist.'Pip: 'I think your view on that would be different if you had a girlfriend.'
Fri July 22, 2011, 21.11pm: Gyles Brandreth: Am baffled by Gyles. He's always been 'about'. Always a sideshow never the star, wearing jumpers, lurking on Countdown, writing about royals, being an MP, but he's really only (semi) famous for being Gyles Brandreth. He was European Monopoly champion. Of course. He founded a teddy bear museum. Of course. President of British Scrabble Players. Of course he is. Gyles Brandreth.
*How can a man forge a successful career out of whiffling about with various things in posh oddball manner?
Thu July 21, 2011, 23.35pm: The drugs don't work, kids: Have been burning the candle a bit the last few days - bone-tired and decrepit-weary today, hard work. So on my way to Hmmm Squad directly after work, thought I'd try the second of the promotional energy drinks I got given. Would it make me loose of limb and clear of head again? Would it b*!!*cks. Still bone-tired and decrpit-weary, but now a bit more jittery.
Tue July 19, 2011, 19.18pm: Pie > Murdoch. Well, that'll learn him.
Mon July 18, 2011, 00.15am: Yeah, it was ok, like. I'm told the books are better, Helen said "I was promised tears!", disappointed. Not having read the books, every time I watch one I keep forgetting who the periphery characters are. Left pondering how curiously oldy worldy the whole thing is - aside from medieval fantasy trappings, it's supposed to be now - but it's clearly yearning towards a pre-technological bygone age...
*I'll let you guess what I'm talking about.
*(nicked off Addicott)
Fri July 29, 2011, 21.26pm: Have only just realised today that being on call for Wrexham and Cheshire, on an evening when you've been working since 8am, when you live in Shrewsbury, and don't own a helicopter, is little bit logistically f***ed up.
Thu July 28, 2011, 23.37pm: Just kicking about on week days seems like a novelty now: Got up late, did some washing, did some shopping, tidied up (only a bit), then went for a meal with the County Times folks... could get very used this. But now the pay-off - my first weekend working on-call. Just me, a computer, a car and a telephone, waiting for stuff to kick off... hellish nervous.
Tue July 26, 2011, 23.22pm: Me: 'Karma definitely doesn't exist.'Pip: 'I think your view on that would be different if you had a girlfriend.'
Fri July 22, 2011, 21.11pm: Gyles Brandreth: Am baffled by Gyles. He's always been 'about'. Always a sideshow never the star, wearing jumpers, lurking on Countdown, writing about royals, being an MP, but he's really only (semi) famous for being Gyles Brandreth. He was European Monopoly champion. Of course. He founded a teddy bear museum. Of course. President of British Scrabble Players. Of course he is. Gyles Brandreth.
*How can a man forge a successful career out of whiffling about with various things in posh oddball manner?
Thu July 21, 2011, 23.35pm: The drugs don't work, kids: Have been burning the candle a bit the last few days - bone-tired and decrepit-weary today, hard work. So on my way to Hmmm Squad directly after work, thought I'd try the second of the promotional energy drinks I got given. Would it make me loose of limb and clear of head again? Would it b*!!*cks. Still bone-tired and decrpit-weary, but now a bit more jittery.
Tue July 19, 2011, 19.18pm: Pie > Murdoch. Well, that'll learn him.
Mon July 18, 2011, 00.15am: Yeah, it was ok, like. I'm told the books are better, Helen said "I was promised tears!", disappointed. Not having read the books, every time I watch one I keep forgetting who the periphery characters are. Left pondering how curiously oldy worldy the whole thing is - aside from medieval fantasy trappings, it's supposed to be now - but it's clearly yearning towards a pre-technological bygone age...
*I'll let you guess what I'm talking about.
Sun July 17, 2011, 14.43pm: Sunday befuddlement ~or~ Where is my Pork Pie?: "Better get something to eat. Hang on, though... at one point today there was a pork pie. I was wandering around with a pork pie about an hour ago. What HAPPENED to that?"
Sat July 16, 2011, 23.26pm: Say no to drugs, kids: Was given a promotional energy drink, drank it Friday night. And, my god, it was almost like I had ENERGY - went for a walk, did some things, felt loose of limb and clear-headed until 4am. 'IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE FEEL?' I thought. Then remembered I'd slept for 3 hours after work and actually ate a healthy meal for once. Mmn. May have been that.
Wed July 13, 2011, 23.32pm: My public have largely remained stum on the Take Me Out/Eastenders issue. This either means 1) They have indeed deserted me due to the fall in my viewing habits 2) I don't have a "public". Unable to decide, I have opted for an amalgam of the two: My imaginary public, who don't exist, have deserted me because of the fall in my viewing habits... (I think I'm having a self-induced crisis).
Tue July 12, 2011, 22.03pm: Not sure I should have actually admitted to watching "Take Me Out", especially so soon after admitting to watching Eastenders (albeit infrequently). If it helps, I am now going to finish reading Kafka's "In the Penal Colony". I hope this goes some way to rectifying my public's disappointment.
Tue July 12, 2011, 21.23pm: Hooduthunkit? A real-life morality tale on tea-time trash show "Take Me Out": Guy left with only two girls still interested after the rest catastrophically all turned their lights off. Picks "high maintenance" blonde over poor nice Welsh girl who never gets picked. She looks gutted. He will be gutted: Turns out blonde meant to turn her light off but made a mistake. What a prize arse.
Mon July 11, 2011, 22.35pm: Pip tears the veil from the mysterious mechanics of existence with this devastating comment on the human condition: "I get hungry, that's why I've got to eat 'this stuff'."
Sun July 10, 2011, 23.49pm: A pretty woman walks past who you've never seen before and will never see again. She clearly checks you out and smiles at you. Well alright, you think, all boosted ego. Then you realise "will never see again" is the operative term and the futility of it all descends. In 1 minute you managed to turn something complementary into something to be miserable about. Sometimes you amaze even yourself.
Sat July 9, 2011, 23.03pm: Belly report: Developed to 'robust' proportions the past year due to 1) no longer being on feet all day or running up and down stairs 2) eating A LOT of take-aways and 3) being 'a man in my thirties'. Trend appears to have been halted, perhaps slightly reversed by unintentionally reinstating my previous diet regime of being 'too busy to eat properly'. Hmm. Nobody take health tips off me, please.
*Well, I went up them with a feeling of urgency, and was out of breath by the time I got to the top. In my head, that is "running".
Tue July 5, 2011, 20.36pm: Eastenders: "Is she nice now? How come everyone think's he's alright? Last time I watched it people didn't like him. I think he's the brother of what's his name. Or maybe he's his mate. Anyway he shagged, y'know, I don't know their names I don't watch it enough." Ledge says I should be writing the soaps column with this kind of dedicated expertise.
Mon July 4, 2011, 21.00pm: How can such a busy day result in almost zero to show for it at the end? Here's how: Here's a situation with a lot of ins and outs and things to chase up. Right. But before you can write a word on it, here's another. Better sort that one out sharpish... but here's another. And another. And another. Oh it's 6pm. *sigh*.
Fri July 1, 2011, 22.13pm: On leaving education: The point at which life stops being about what you want and need and starts being about what the world wants and needs from you... (Ah. It was nice to go back for a while).
Fri July 1, 2011, 00.35am: Still get a Pavlovian heart-quickening response to the rare, harsh sound of a message arriving on my previous old mobile, which I still use as an alarm clock. "Ooh, who's this? A long lost friend who hasn't got my new number? Maybe... *gasp* an old flame wanting to get back in touch...?" Yes. It's my long lost friend and old flame Orange, telling me I haven't topped up this month, again.
Mon June 27, 2011, 22.44pm: Twitter just listed "The Metropole Hotel" as "similar to me". Not sure I'm entirely happy about this, or really understand quite under what criteria, I, a fellow going about my business, am similar to "the highest AA rated Hotel and Spa in Mid Wales". (Punchline suggestions welcome, but keep it clean, please).
Sun June 26, 2011, 10.29am: EXTREMELY rare that I get so sozzled I can't remember things the next day, but apparently: Last night I couldn't manage to turn the lights off or get undressed before I got into bed, but I COULD manage to (reasonably articulately) update my facebook status. *hangs head in shame* This tells you all you need to know about me.
Sun June 26, 2011, 2.15am: I am inebriated. But I hope that me inebriated is at least a whole degree above the average standard inebriated dreg.... I am at least REASONABLE (in that you are ABLE to REASON with me). That's got to count for something.
Sat June 25, 2011, 15.56pm: Don't go into a coffee shop on your own on a busy Saturday: Thought I'd get a snack and a beverage before home. Noticed a 3 free tables, only a couple of people in the queue in front. No worries. 2 folks join the queue behind: "Get me a blahblah and I'll get a table". Then another 2: "I'll just grab a table while you order, shall I?" THAT'S NOT FAIR! Goddamn people with their goddamn friends.
Fri June 24, 2011, 20.55pm: Ah well, that's the Jesus age (33) gone, and I seem to have failed to be martyred for founding a new religion. *confused and worried soul-searching expression* ...What if I'm NOT the New Messiah after all...?
Wed June 22, 2011, 23.57pm: ...'kin birthdays.
Tue June 21, 2011, 20.13pm: Human kindness/human hoonery: Made me smile #1 - when drivers flash you to let you know there's a mobile speed camera ahead - they don't have to do it, but they do. Restores the faith in human kindness. Made me smile #2 - when some impatient hoon dangerously overtook the other responsibly-driving oncoming traffic - straight into the path of - the speed camera. Hahahahahahah. Ha.
Mon June 20, 2011, 21.53pm: The TV said: "How many calories do you burn just by being alive?" ie. how much energy do you use when you're just sitting around? Since I do a lot of sitting around, me n Ledge concluded I must use a lot - evidently because I'M REALLY ALIVE. That's why I'm always knackered - it's not lack of exercise, it's because I'M TOO ALIVE.
Sun June 19, 2011, 20.48pm: Last ever tuition afternoon: Got the biggest box of chocolates I have ever seen from my wonderful philosophy students... and that concludes the last remaining activity of my teaching career. "Complex" emotional response to this.
Fri June 17, 2011, 22.48pm: Folks who've only seen Rafe Spall in comedy Pete vs Life told me they weren't sure they'd be able to take him seriously as a sociopathic thug in The Shadowline. But, thinking I'd check out this Pete vs Life thing after seeing that, I found myself nervous for the first twenty minutes that he was about to break someone's face. Like watching Lovejoy after Deadwood...
Thu June 16, 2011, 22.57pm: First press conference today. A bit terrifying. Think (hope) I did an ok job, but a bit terrifying all the same.
Tue June 14, 2011, 21.39pm: How to start your car: 1) Turn key 2) Gawp in horror as engine turns over but doesn't spark 3) Frantically try four more times in quick succession whilst embarrassment mounts in busy car park 4) Swear alot 5) Let engine and temper settle for 10-15mins 6) Try again for too long, pumping gas, swearing 7) Repeat 4 and 5 8) Give up, call AA, go through whole call-out process 9) Hang up 10) Now it will start.
Mon June 13, 2011, 23.25pm: Grammar rage: Seriously, I know the news style says otherwise, but I just will not accept that it's ALWAYS WRONG to to say "The [collective noun] are having their..." instead of "The [collective noun] is having its..." - committees and clubs are groups of PEOPLE for crissakes, and not all of them are grand, enduring, abstract entities like The British Museum or The Church of England. Dammit.
Sun June 12, 2011, 21.12pm: When the wind is blowing in the right direction I can clearly hear Elton in the garden. Tonight, that is, not generally speaking.
Sun June 12, 2011, 18.59pm: ELTON JOHN! Driving back from Church Stretton I noticed traffic cues and throngs of people around Meole Brace, and I remembered - It's Elton John! Unfortunately I forgot myself and shouted this out loud, on my own, in the car, as I crawled passed the walking punters - so loud they must've heard me through the closed windows, 'cos they looked at me like I was a strange'n.
Sat June 11, 2011, 20.58pm: "Have you got what it takes to defeat The Cube?" "No. No I don't Phil. Well, it depends, what's 'it' taking?"
Fri June 10, 2011, 00.23pm: Argh! Fell asleep too early and just woke up in my clothes and now I'm stumbling about all over the place like a groggy idiot, tripping over things in the dark. Not enough working light bulbs in this house. *loud clatter* Argh! Go to bed Thomas.
Wed June 8, 2011, 22.49pm: Sorry to the ledge for cutting him off with "I'm bored" mid conversation, when he was trying to be funny. In fairness he did it back to me a few minutes later when I was trying to be funny at him. I think we might have witnessed the birth of a new bantering device.
Sun June 5, 2011, 18.26pm: Me: "Glowing eyes are used to signify evil 'cos, as well as being freaky, we have a primordial fear of the reflective eyes of nocturnal predators in the dark, like wolves." Student: "So when your parents tell you eating carrots is good, 'cos they help you see in the dark, actually eating carrots makes you evil." - Not the first response that would've sprung to MY mind, but fair play: I've never liked carrots.
Sat July 16, 2011, 23.26pm: Say no to drugs, kids: Was given a promotional energy drink, drank it Friday night. And, my god, it was almost like I had ENERGY - went for a walk, did some things, felt loose of limb and clear-headed until 4am. 'IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE FEEL?' I thought. Then remembered I'd slept for 3 hours after work and actually ate a healthy meal for once. Mmn. May have been that.
Wed July 13, 2011, 23.32pm: My public have largely remained stum on the Take Me Out/Eastenders issue. This either means 1) They have indeed deserted me due to the fall in my viewing habits 2) I don't have a "public". Unable to decide, I have opted for an amalgam of the two: My imaginary public, who don't exist, have deserted me because of the fall in my viewing habits... (I think I'm having a self-induced crisis).
Tue July 12, 2011, 22.03pm: Not sure I should have actually admitted to watching "Take Me Out", especially so soon after admitting to watching Eastenders (albeit infrequently). If it helps, I am now going to finish reading Kafka's "In the Penal Colony". I hope this goes some way to rectifying my public's disappointment.
Tue July 12, 2011, 21.23pm: Hooduthunkit? A real-life morality tale on tea-time trash show "Take Me Out": Guy left with only two girls still interested after the rest catastrophically all turned their lights off. Picks "high maintenance" blonde over poor nice Welsh girl who never gets picked. She looks gutted. He will be gutted: Turns out blonde meant to turn her light off but made a mistake. What a prize arse.
Mon July 11, 2011, 22.35pm: Pip tears the veil from the mysterious mechanics of existence with this devastating comment on the human condition: "I get hungry, that's why I've got to eat 'this stuff'."
Sun July 10, 2011, 23.49pm: A pretty woman walks past who you've never seen before and will never see again. She clearly checks you out and smiles at you. Well alright, you think, all boosted ego. Then you realise "will never see again" is the operative term and the futility of it all descends. In 1 minute you managed to turn something complementary into something to be miserable about. Sometimes you amaze even yourself.
Sat July 9, 2011, 23.03pm: Belly report: Developed to 'robust' proportions the past year due to 1) no longer being on feet all day or running up and down stairs 2) eating A LOT of take-aways and 3) being 'a man in my thirties'. Trend appears to have been halted, perhaps slightly reversed by unintentionally reinstating my previous diet regime of being 'too busy to eat properly'. Hmm. Nobody take health tips off me, please.
*Well, I went up them with a feeling of urgency, and was out of breath by the time I got to the top. In my head, that is "running".
Tue July 5, 2011, 20.36pm: Eastenders: "Is she nice now? How come everyone think's he's alright? Last time I watched it people didn't like him. I think he's the brother of what's his name. Or maybe he's his mate. Anyway he shagged, y'know, I don't know their names I don't watch it enough." Ledge says I should be writing the soaps column with this kind of dedicated expertise.
Mon July 4, 2011, 21.00pm: How can such a busy day result in almost zero to show for it at the end? Here's how: Here's a situation with a lot of ins and outs and things to chase up. Right. But before you can write a word on it, here's another. Better sort that one out sharpish... but here's another. And another. And another. Oh it's 6pm. *sigh*.
Fri July 1, 2011, 22.13pm: On leaving education: The point at which life stops being about what you want and need and starts being about what the world wants and needs from you... (Ah. It was nice to go back for a while).
Fri July 1, 2011, 00.35am: Still get a Pavlovian heart-quickening response to the rare, harsh sound of a message arriving on my previous old mobile, which I still use as an alarm clock. "Ooh, who's this? A long lost friend who hasn't got my new number? Maybe... *gasp* an old flame wanting to get back in touch...?" Yes. It's my long lost friend and old flame Orange, telling me I haven't topped up this month, again.
Mon June 27, 2011, 22.44pm: Twitter just listed "The Metropole Hotel" as "similar to me". Not sure I'm entirely happy about this, or really understand quite under what criteria, I, a fellow going about my business, am similar to "the highest AA rated Hotel and Spa in Mid Wales". (Punchline suggestions welcome, but keep it clean, please).
Sun June 26, 2011, 10.29am: EXTREMELY rare that I get so sozzled I can't remember things the next day, but apparently: Last night I couldn't manage to turn the lights off or get undressed before I got into bed, but I COULD manage to (reasonably articulately) update my facebook status. *hangs head in shame* This tells you all you need to know about me.
Sun June 26, 2011, 2.15am: I am inebriated. But I hope that me inebriated is at least a whole degree above the average standard inebriated dreg.... I am at least REASONABLE (in that you are ABLE to REASON with me). That's got to count for something.
Sat June 25, 2011, 15.56pm: Don't go into a coffee shop on your own on a busy Saturday: Thought I'd get a snack and a beverage before home. Noticed a 3 free tables, only a couple of people in the queue in front. No worries. 2 folks join the queue behind: "Get me a blahblah and I'll get a table". Then another 2: "I'll just grab a table while you order, shall I?" THAT'S NOT FAIR! Goddamn people with their goddamn friends.
Fri June 24, 2011, 20.55pm: Ah well, that's the Jesus age (33) gone, and I seem to have failed to be martyred for founding a new religion. *confused and worried soul-searching expression* ...What if I'm NOT the New Messiah after all...?
Wed June 22, 2011, 23.57pm: ...'kin birthdays.
Tue June 21, 2011, 20.13pm: Human kindness/human hoonery: Made me smile #1 - when drivers flash you to let you know there's a mobile speed camera ahead - they don't have to do it, but they do. Restores the faith in human kindness. Made me smile #2 - when some impatient hoon dangerously overtook the other responsibly-driving oncoming traffic - straight into the path of - the speed camera. Hahahahahahah. Ha.
Mon June 20, 2011, 21.53pm: The TV said: "How many calories do you burn just by being alive?" ie. how much energy do you use when you're just sitting around? Since I do a lot of sitting around, me n Ledge concluded I must use a lot - evidently because I'M REALLY ALIVE. That's why I'm always knackered - it's not lack of exercise, it's because I'M TOO ALIVE.
Sun June 19, 2011, 20.48pm: Last ever tuition afternoon: Got the biggest box of chocolates I have ever seen from my wonderful philosophy students... and that concludes the last remaining activity of my teaching career. "Complex" emotional response to this.
Fri June 17, 2011, 22.48pm: Folks who've only seen Rafe Spall in comedy Pete vs Life told me they weren't sure they'd be able to take him seriously as a sociopathic thug in The Shadowline. But, thinking I'd check out this Pete vs Life thing after seeing that, I found myself nervous for the first twenty minutes that he was about to break someone's face. Like watching Lovejoy after Deadwood...
Thu June 16, 2011, 22.57pm: First press conference today. A bit terrifying. Think (hope) I did an ok job, but a bit terrifying all the same.
Tue June 14, 2011, 21.39pm: How to start your car: 1) Turn key 2) Gawp in horror as engine turns over but doesn't spark 3) Frantically try four more times in quick succession whilst embarrassment mounts in busy car park 4) Swear alot 5) Let engine and temper settle for 10-15mins 6) Try again for too long, pumping gas, swearing 7) Repeat 4 and 5 8) Give up, call AA, go through whole call-out process 9) Hang up 10) Now it will start.
Mon June 13, 2011, 23.25pm: Grammar rage: Seriously, I know the news style says otherwise, but I just will not accept that it's ALWAYS WRONG to to say "The [collective noun] are having their..." instead of "The [collective noun] is having its..." - committees and clubs are groups of PEOPLE for crissakes, and not all of them are grand, enduring, abstract entities like The British Museum or The Church of England. Dammit.
Sun June 12, 2011, 21.12pm: When the wind is blowing in the right direction I can clearly hear Elton in the garden. Tonight, that is, not generally speaking.
Sun June 12, 2011, 18.59pm: ELTON JOHN! Driving back from Church Stretton I noticed traffic cues and throngs of people around Meole Brace, and I remembered - It's Elton John! Unfortunately I forgot myself and shouted this out loud, on my own, in the car, as I crawled passed the walking punters - so loud they must've heard me through the closed windows, 'cos they looked at me like I was a strange'n.
Sat June 11, 2011, 20.58pm: "Have you got what it takes to defeat The Cube?" "No. No I don't Phil. Well, it depends, what's 'it' taking?"
Fri June 10, 2011, 00.23pm: Argh! Fell asleep too early and just woke up in my clothes and now I'm stumbling about all over the place like a groggy idiot, tripping over things in the dark. Not enough working light bulbs in this house. *loud clatter* Argh! Go to bed Thomas.
Wed June 8, 2011, 22.49pm: Sorry to the ledge for cutting him off with "I'm bored" mid conversation, when he was trying to be funny. In fairness he did it back to me a few minutes later when I was trying to be funny at him. I think we might have witnessed the birth of a new bantering device.
Sun June 5, 2011, 18.26pm: Me: "Glowing eyes are used to signify evil 'cos, as well as being freaky, we have a primordial fear of the reflective eyes of nocturnal predators in the dark, like wolves." Student: "So when your parents tell you eating carrots is good, 'cos they help you see in the dark, actually eating carrots makes you evil." - Not the first response that would've sprung to MY mind, but fair play: I've never liked carrots.
Fri June 3, 2011, 17.31pm: Yes! HEATWAVE! What summer songs can you think of... and don't say Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's 'Summertime'. I've always thought of that as more of a winter tune.
Thu June 2, 2011, 22.49pm: Jeez, feels like I've got a lot on my plate tonight... which is ironic, 'cos I've not had any tea.
Wed June 1, 2011, 21.11pm: "Well, you have to be ruthless to be successful in business." Yes, but the same can be said of being successful at being a totalitarian dictator, and we don't insist on admiring them. There IS something in common there - power and success: You've got to be at least a bit of a nasty tw*t. As Ledge said: "That's THE number one rule."
Tue May 31, 2011, 21.42pm: I don't like being new, it makes me... anxious. Like one of those anxiety dreams where you go to school and then realise you've got a test and you've been going to the wrong class all term, and then you realise you're not wearing any trousers.
Mon May 30, 2011, 16.37pm: Ah, goodbyes - I'm not brilliant at them, never sure quite what to say. But really quite sad to be leaving the County Times - it's been utterly awesome, everyone's been massively supportive and let me do so much - a great environment to work in with really nice, cool and funny people, and I can't overstate how important that is. I love you all!
Sun May 29, 2011, 18.21pm: Other highlights: AC Grayling, whose calmly well-constructed argument was as impressive as his hair; and Mount Kimbie, who are apparently "in the vanguard of the post-dubstep diaspora". We were wandering how painfully hip the audience would be and how we would fit into that, but was ok - and they were awesome. I think, y'know, that they are in the very vanguard of the post-dubstep diaspora.
Sun May 29, 2011, 17.54pm: Hay celebrity walk-pasts: A familiar looking girl walked up giggling something to someone else about "tell them we're artists" and brushed past. Me and Al looked at each other. "That was Josie Long". I said. "Oh! I thought it was someone we knew from the Nags," he said, "I was wondering why she blanked us."
Sat May 28, 2011, 14.05pm: At the Hay festival(s), fresh from having to bite my tongue throughout the whole Nietzsche talk. Don't get me wrong, the panel said informed and interesting things but... well, I could have done better job. Arrogant, yes. But also true dammit.
Thu May 26, 2011, 17.41pm: Just had tea standing up in the kitchen because I "couldn't be bothered" to sit down. Which seems like some kind of paradox, I know - especially as I'm known for preferring baths to showers because "I can't be bothered to stand up"... But if you're cooking and washing up at the same counter, why not just stay put? More efficient. EFFICIENT TEA.
Tue May 24, 2011, 22.54pm: Just typed in "houseboat" into google images, and now I want one. I think I used to dream about such things when I was a very small child...
Tue May 24, 2011, 21.25pm: If you apply John Stuart Mill's harm principle to the court story I just wrote... well, I dunno, really. I guess the law doesn't always go along with John Stuart Mill's harm principle.
Sat May 21, 2011, 20.21pm: Public Relations: I spend a frankly unreasonable amount of brain energy worrying that I've done or said something that might have upset someone - but somehow this still fails to stop me saying or doing things that somehow manage to upset someone. Sigh. Saying and doing things is hard to get right, sometimes, y'know?
Sat May 21, 2011, 1.06am: L: "I saw a bloke who, back in biblical times, touched a boat." *long pause* M: "Oh, ok, we'll leave that anecdote there, then, shall we? No need to explain that one."
Sat May 21, 2011, 00.16am: Friday night failure: When you're rattling about the house at midnight with a glass of rum in your hand, bored, restless and staring into the dim swamp of ennui, from TV to computer to TV to computer to TV and then you realise - I could have gone out tonight. "Why didn't I go out tonight?" you ask yourself. And to your confusion, you discover you really don't know. Chrissakes.
Thu May 19, 2011, 18.08pm: The world is all wrong #5: So... calculating murderer Malcolm Webster managed to get two women to marry him, before killing one and attempting to kill the other. Fred West, Hitler, the list goes on... yet here's me, who can attempt some simple, light, charming banter with an eligible lady and get treated like I'm some kind of creepy weirdo. Just an observation... but seriously, WTF, y'know?
*I'm not saying my famous "light, charming banter" always gets the "creepy weirdo" treatment, of course - that would be a bit worrying - just that it HAS happened in the past...
Wed May 18, 2011, 22.06: What I have found out today #3: Naked short selling is the practice of selling on shares before you've actually finalised getting hold of them yourself (as far as I understand it)... which means stock brokers, Financial Times readers and assorted high-powered city types will discuss "naked shorts" in serious voices, and without a hint of irony. Which makes me titter. A lot. £*^$ing absurd.
Sun May 15, 2011, 13.08: SEEMED a good idea: Have Twitter up during Eurovision. "There'll be loads of funny comments from the Twittersphere" - there weren't. "I'll have loads of witty observations to tweet" - I didn't. And when everyone in the room started heckling "Tweet that! That's gold! Tweet that!" after every other sentence that came out their mouths, I told them all to £*^% off and turned it off in a huff.
*Too much tweet pressure.
Sat May 14, 2011, 21.10: Yeah, Blue - There's FOUR of you singing, why the bollox do you need BACKING SINGERS?
Sat May 14, 2011, 20.25: Wilde (On the Judderman with The Prisoner Balloon): "Can we cross these off as definite failures yet?"
Sat May 14, 2011, 17.52: Looking forward to seeing Blur represent us at Eurovision tonight. *pauses* Maybe I misheard that.
Tue May 10, 2011, 23.12pm: If I were a superstitious man, I might have taken that recent string of meaningless, mild co-incidences as signs pointing towards something. So it's a good job I'm not a superstitious man or I'd now be raging that those "signs" turned out to be... meaningless, mild coincidences. *shakes fist at gods* You won't get me like that again, gods! I've done the special ritual to protect me from superstition!
Mon May 09, 2011, 23.08pm: The last six months must've been the illest I've ever had, but have also seen the highest incidence of people telling me I look relaxed, healthy, "fresh of face" and "well". What to make of this? And if that's really the case, what the hell kind of corpse-like appearance was I polluting the world with before?
Sun May 8, 2011, 12.18pm: Making coffee this morning, something about the scene caught my eye - something was odd. The kettle looked different. Not very different - it was clearly my kettle - but its proportions seemed ever-so-slightly distorted. It was placed at an unusual angle. I turned it and it looked normal again. Conclusion - really hadn't expected it to look that way from the front. Have had kettle 7 years. Hmm.
Fri May 6, 2011, 22.46pm: BBC4 is giving me nostalgia shivers. 1991 - PWEI/Ride/Neds in a row - check it out, aging indie kids!
Fri May 6, 2011, 21.20pm: Referendum results: 68% "Nah". Or more accurately, I suspect, "What the hell is this? Pfff. Too busy. Not interested". Ah well, never mind eh?
Thu May 5, 2011, 13.51pm: Forget Clegg, forget "what type of person is voting for what" - do you want: MPs elected by the biggest minority in any area, and all other votes ignored - or - everyone in the area to wrangle out a compromise until one MP can be said to have at least 50% support? For my money, one is clearly more subtle, representative, and, dammit, democratic - and it ain't FPP.
Wed May 4, 2011, 22.06pm: At 33 years of age I have only now just learnt how to wind up a watch properly. Slightly embarrassed. (ie. Chairman Mao watch works fine, as long as kept wound frequently. Russian pocket watch was possibly fine all along.)
Mon May 2, 2011, 19.38pm: This has to be the most boringest essay I've ever had to write: "Changes in local government taxation in the last 40 years". Zero chance of working in any references to nazis or weird deep-sea creatures into this one. OR IS THERE...?
Sun May 1, 2011, 22.28pm: Long, strange, all-over-the-place weekend. Long, strange, all-over-the place couple of weeks, actually. Or couple of years. Or, well... long, strange, all-over-the-place life. Ergfhmn.
Fri April 29, 2011, 13.11pm: What did that remind me of... that's it! The end of Star Wars. Half expected to see Chewy (Harry "Wales"?) standing to side and going "rrrffffrrrrrrooowwwl" at a blooping R2D2 (The Queen?). Actually quite liked it all. A bit of indefensibly anachronistic over-the-top ritualistic nonsense is good for the soul. Reminds us society is really not the sober, rational thing we like to pretend it is...
Fri April 29, 2011, 10.49am: Live tweeting from the Royal Wedding, here, from my sofa in front of my telly. Lots of cars driving around. Lots of descriptions of dresses.
Wed April 27, 2011, 20.44pm: Something happened today that made me a bit world weary, Ledge said something funny about it, comment I stole from Pip.
*Sorry if today's status update is generic, it was submitted by a work experience monkey.
Tue April 26, 2011, 21.50pm: Have returned from Aberdeen like a conquering lion. A conquering lion with the trots.
Wed April 20, 2011, 14.41pm: Verbal ticks: I've long had a tendency to start sentences with "as I say..." even when saying something I haven't yet said - but why am I saying "basically" all the time now? As I say, it must be, basically, something to do with being a) sleep deprived and b) in a strange environment. As I say, basically your speech and thought patterns are just that bit more muddled and hesitant, basically. As I say.
Tue April 19, 2011, 5.02am: Unforseen hunger: the "breakfast" part of "bed and breakfast" is kind of redundant if you have to leave at 5am each morning. Haunted by the eggs and bacon I will miss. Eccles cakes. My breakfast was 2 1/2 eccles cakes today.
Sun April 17, 2011, 18.44pm: Preparing to be parachuted into a strange job in a strange city for a week. Expect I'll be expected to hit the ground running doing God-knows-what, with only a Joe Odber for guidance. Nervous.
Sat April 16, 2011, 14.05pm: By all "inside" accounts Prince William has a long history of 1) Wishing he could lead a normal life and not be part of the whole Royal side-show 2) Hatred of the media. Led me to an odd revelation the other day: My feelings of weary apathy about the hype, jingoism and bullshit pageantry surrounding the Royal wedding are almost certainly shared by... Prince William. "Go" and "figure".
Wed April 13, 2011, 20.40pm: Have decided the world is not ready for Rural Street Dance in 2D. People just ain't feeling my flow. Bagpuss soft toy is getting all the attention anyway, and now he wants to go solo and start his own crew. I'm returning to my first love: Tuvan throat singing.
Tue April 12, 2011, 23.10pm: Street dance routine going well. Have mastered throwing Bagpuss soft toy into back flips like that kid out of Diversity. I'm taking the bold move of going for the under-represented genre of "Rural" Street Dance, as opposed to "Urban". But, try as I might, just can't seem to get my moves to work in 3D.
Mon April 11, 2011, 21.20pm: Hmmm, how can I make a bit of extra cash... better get working on my Street Dance routine.
Mon April 11, 2011, 20.09pm: Applying for a career development loan has turned out to be a labyrinthine process - a bit like one of those dreams where you're trying to pack a bag but every time you go to leave you realise you left something out. Course'll be over before I get it at this rate, and not sure I'll even qualify for the loan anyway. Balls to it. I'll just not eat for the next three months.
Mon April 11, 2011, 00.25am: 'You know when you're on your own and you think of something embarrassing you did or said in the past, and then you make a random noise or say something random out loud to "cover up the thought"?' - The Ledge made me aware of this phenomenon. And yes, I do do that too.
Thu April 7, 2011, 20.58pm: Couple of years back, clothes shopping was alright. There'd be a smorgasbord of items to which I'd think "yep, I'm gonna look SHARP in that!". Couple of years back I'd listen to the radio/music channels and usually find SOMETHING that got me thinking "hey now, what's THAT?". Today: Nothing. Nothing at all. All is "pffff"... My tatses are now misaligned with society: I've gone out of fashion.
Wed April 6, 2011, 23.00pm: Parents and digital: Even though they haven't had an analogue TV for a good 5 years, Dad was still excited at the prospect of the digital switch over, if slightly muddled in expressing it - convinced the picture was sharper (and maybe it is), when the Saxon horde appeared on Midlands Today he proclaimed thusly: "Ooh, this'll look good in colour."
*In fairness, he did catch himself before finishing the word "colour". However he was not at all impressed when I responded to his grief at losing teletext with "Well, there's this thing called the internet now, Dad."
Mon April 4, 2011, 20.05pm: Tum ta tum ta tum. Pffff. Obobobob. Yawn. Man alive, facebook is dull and vacuous tonight.... Not YOUR posts, obviously, YOUR posts are diverting as always/YOU haven't posted anything? Oh that'll be why then. (delete as applicable) But everyone else's, well, gee, I'm not feeling the zip and zing of banter and intrigue on here tonight... are YOU? No. Quite.
Fri April 1, 2011, 14.03pm: I just drank a glass of lemonade. Haha! April fool! No I didn't I fooled you, I was lying and you believed me. (It was a glass of coke. Idiot.)
Thu March 31, 2011, 21.12pm: Whenever I buy smokes at a supermarket counter, there's always someone faffing about with lottery tickets or scratch-cards in front of me. I sigh. "What an irrational, desperate exercise in futility that is," I smugly think. Then I realise I'm queuing up to 're-up' for a chronic habit that's slowly causing lasting damage to my body, and reflect that I really shouldn't judge other people's futile habits...
Tue March 29, 2011, 22.23pm: Accosted by two teenage girls on the street: "scuse me can you give us a pound?" - now I'm normally a soft touch, but I was in a rush and suspicious of the authenticity of their cause, so I just muttered a distracted "no, sorry, nothing on me." Stopped to cross the road. They walked back down the street and as they passed one said "liar!"... *sigh*. That's all I've got to say - *sigh*.
Mon March 28, 2011, 17.35pm: Sorry about all the nonsense polls. It's not JUST silliness, it's "satire". But it IS also silliness.
Mon March 28, 2011, 00.45am: I am sorely tempted to go around adding the option of "Dragons" to every facebook poll I see. Pepsi or Cola? DRAGONS. Football or Rugby? DRAGONS.
Sat March 26, 2011, 19.06pm: Is everyone enjoying the "My Starbucks moment" ads on the right there? Look! Aspirational arty types go there to work on their play/book! Young hip students do their coursework there! Ladies "catch up on the goss" there! What do YOU do at Starbucks? I wanted to answer with "Undergo unnecessary neurosurgery performed by robots" but that wasn't one of the options.
Thu March 24, 2011, 00.28am: Just got back from covering John Beddoes meeting about restructuring of schools and sixth form in Powys... all very bitter-sweet familiar from my last year of teaching. Drove back via the A49, the exact route I used to drive every day to and from Ludlow. Got more than a bit misty eyed, thinking about the place and the people. Well, I was tired, y'know? That's what I'm telling myself.
Tue March 22, 2011, 23.55pm: Between-case lawyer banter: Lawyer1 - "I'm just speaking out loud for my own benefit. I expect you're all sick of the sound of my voice." Lawyer2 - "Well, all I'll say is that 'I'm not in a position to offer an opinion on that at present' - if you get my drift!" Lawyer1 - "Oh really? What if I come closer?!" Legal humour - Lawyers crack wise too.
Mon March 21, 2011, 19.48pm: +15 quid for a bag. +6 to select a seat (that you don't realise costs extra until the final break-down). +5 quid for NO F***ING REASON AT ALL (card transaction charge). F***ing air travel.
Sat March 19, 2011, 22.05pm: Rebecca Black - Friday: Yes, it sounds like a reedy robotic drone, most of the lyrics are so devoid of meaningful content she may as well be going "baahbaahbaahbaah", and it's about as relevant to my life as DARK TEUTONIC METAPHYSICS is to hers (to the extent I can barely comprehend what it is and it may aswell have been beamed into my eyes from Betelgeuse)... but it's a nice enough sunny pop ditty, eh?
Sat March 19, 2011, 15.09pm: "The cold's pretty much gone but I still can't breath through my nose when I lie down and I get this tickly cough every time I'm about to drift off." I said. "How on earth do you sleep at night?" said Matt Baker. Next thing I knew it was all over You Tube.
Thu March 17, 2011, 00.40am: Today's whiffle news: Statue of Michael Jackson to be erected outside Fulham's Craven Cottage Stadium. Well, of course. Why WOULDN'T they? Lilly Allen "steps away from fame" by having a reality TV show made about her. Alvin Hall is awesome at teaching. I did a story that referenced the "Cockchafer" today. Which is also known as the May Bug, or "Spang Beetle". That's "Spang Beetle".
Wed March 16, 2011, 00.35am: I feel like Mum-Ra. And not when he gets all buff.
Tue March 15, 2011, 21.24pm: Ill. Have already been ill twice this winter, n that's not including the pretty much constant "I think I'm coming down with something" feeling since Jan. Ridiculous. Sorry, folks not much in the way of "funny" from me tonight. But then there rarely is, if not for the same reasons.
Mon March 14, 2011, 18.19pm: 2 men in matching leather jackets on "Pointless" who go by the names of "Roxx" and "Myth". It's a shame isn't it?
*(Says a man still commonly referred to as "Noise")
Sun March 13, 2011, 14.18pm: Ask Cleverbot! - ME: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF BEING? CB: EXISTING IS ITS OWN MEANING. - Sounds good, but not convinced that's more than a philosophical cop-out platitude. I mean, what does it mean? CB is a moron. So followed up with - ME: WHAT IS EXISTING? CB: NOT A WORD. - Like something straight out of a Zen Koan. Was wrong to doubt the subtle wisdom of CB! At this point I was enlightened.
Sun March 13, 2011, 14.00pm: Ask Cleverbot! - Cleverbot displays weary existential ennui - Me: What’s been happening? CB: Nothing. Me: What do you know? CB: Everything. Me: What have you found out? CB: Peace and universal acceptance. Me: Oh aye? CB: It’s boring.
Sun March 13, 2011, 13.55pm: Ask Cleverbot! - Q: What do think about the Big Society? Cleverbot: I think that they are ok, but I’m not really a cat person. Are you?
Sat March 12, 2011, 12.43 pm: Hangover Saturdays: Saturday should be a busy get-things-done kind of affair; but with the late rise, the grey skies, the hangover and beginnings of a stinking cold, feels more like a listless Sunday. Was going to go up town for a coffee on my tod, but then thought that would be a bit of a shame. Then was going to blow the afternoon caning shorthand, but thought that would be a bit of a shame, too. Listless.
Sat March 12, 2011, 00.33 am: You throw a cigarette butt in the river. Then you feel guilt at the environmental damage you have done. As it floats away, two ducks detach from the bank and follow it before thinking better and turning back. You look out and wonder what the surrounding buildings are for. Some people walk past, doubtless wandering what you have stopped to look at. Just a man, walking home from a night out. Y'know?
Wed March 09, 2011, 21.50 pm: Ledge says he’s too busy to fill out the census. So I said I’d do it, and when I get to his pages I’ll hand it to him to scrawl “I’m too busy” across. But then he offered to fill out his pages in detail explaining for each question that he is too busy to answer it. He also suggested we make another person up and call him “Keith”. Or Mr. Busy.
Tue March 08, 2011, 23.38 pm: I'm giving up on my New Year's resolutions for lent.
Tue March 08, 2011, 18.47 pm: Happy crepe day. I'm giving up vowels for lent. Hppy crp dy.
Sun March 06, 2011, 22.53 pm: "Baby, I've been breaking glass in your room again. Listen! Don't look at the carpet, I drew something awful on it. See! You're such wonderful person, but you've got problems. Oh-oh. I'll never touch you." - Those, ladies and gentlemen, are the lyrics - in their entirety! - to David Bowie's "Breaking Glass" off the album "Low". Er... quite.
Sat March 05, 2011, 17.24 pm: The revolutionary dictatorship principle, as recently illustrated by "the people's" favourite and "fighter of oppression" Muammar "The Colonel" al-Gaddafi: Terms like “oppression” ,“freedom” and “the people” can mean whatever the hell you want them to mean in ideological power politics - as long as you’re happy to ignore the actual suffering of actual individuals you’re actually stomping on…
Thu March 03, 2011, 23.38 pm: The weary ennui of existence: When you take 20 minutes to iron 2 pairs of trousers and then notice as you put them away that they still look as creased as if you hadn't bothered. Your ironing is shit. EVERYTHING IS SHIT! I take this as a sign that I am evidently too superior for such mundane tasks and go back to thinking about moral relativism.
Thu March 03, 2011, 15.05 pm: Modern RnB-tinged chart hits: Oh, Jesus, haven't we had enough of that auto-tune/vocoder-treated warble-voice effect now? Hasn't it been done to death over the past f***ing decade? Please stop it. Also: Too many synthetic hand claps. Music in general has reached synthetic-hand-clap saturation point. If I hear one more synthetic hand clap in place of a snare drum it will be one too many. Thanks.
Tue March 01, 2011, 22.49 pm: Response within 2 seconds of being singled out by a stand-up: 1) Sheer terror 2) Overwhelming urge to come back with interesting response 3) Public pressure to not appear like a dick who thinks he's funny 4) Inability to think 5) Suspicion that answering honestly makes me look like dick anyway 6) Odd mix of embarrassment, joy and shame at having interacted but not interacted better.
*A situation in which you can only come across as either a) boring or b) strange. I think I somehow managed to achieve both.
Mon February 28, 2011, 22.14 pm: Current affairs-inspired song titles - I may have to form a Jazz Fusion outfit just to use these: 1) Dynamic Baby Gymnastics 2) Get Your Nationals Out 3) Brown Moment 4) Global Fiscal Stimulus 5) The Ombudsman 5) Soft Revolution 6) Deepwater Horizons 7) Public Sector Pay Freeze 8) Gender Fluidity 9) The European Commission 10) Churnalism. That's an album!
*Album: "We're In This Together" by Davey C and The Big Society. (Bonus Track: Squeezed Middle)
Sun February 27, 2011, 22.56 pm: Greg Wallace's potato wedges were very nice. Felt I needed to make an effort so arranged them prettily with chicken wings and spring onions in a pleasing symmetrical formation. But it wasn't good enough: Apart from the onions all of it was reddish brown, and I left no room to "smear my jus". Just as well as I hadn't made any "jus", and I wouldn't smear it if I had, not for no-one's money.
Sat February 26, 2011, 18.27 pm: Ledge is amused that I have bought Gregg Wallace potato wedges. Yes, ok, I have been heard calling him and Masterchef co-host John Torode "those two pretentious cocks", but that doesn't mean I hate the man, or won't eat his food. They were on offer and they looked nice. But Ledge insists I only bought them because they had Wallace's beaming mug on them. I will not rise to this.
*Ok. It was Wallace's beaming mug. His grinning mush was, in Wallace's own words, "like a warm cuddle".
Fri February 25, 2011, 18.26 pm: I love how everyone insists on referring to the new "High Speed Two" rail link between London and the North as "HS2", even though, while an abbreviation on paper, it's exactly the same amount of syllables when you say it. Still folks go for that whole numbers and letters thing - makes it sound modern and technological, like a games console or a film sequel. Folks go for that.
Thu February 24, 2011, 17.22 pm: What we didn't learn in Court Reporting: Is "Judge Judy" legally recognised as a court of law? I'm not totally sure it follows proper procedure, y'know...
Wed February 23, 2011, 23.35 pm: Yeah, go on, explain the joke - that’ll make it funnier: I find that women still resist swooning appropriately at my wit and charm, even when I give them proper instruction on why I am witty and charming. This continues to baffle me.
Tue February 22, 2011, 20.28 pm: Members vote to allow planning permission, against recommendations, but can't give a valid reason why... Chair will not pass vote without a valid reason to flunk the rules... No one will agree to defer to a later date... "What do we do now?" says someone. Uncharted waters - Very real possibility that we will all now just have to sit here and rot for the rest of time. Never imagined I would die this way.
Mon February 21, 2011, 17.47 pm: Early signs of middle-age: "When you go from looking at people your own age with with a baby and thinking 'aw, man, you really f***ed up your youth' to looking at people your own age with a baby and thinking 'aw, man, I really fucked up my youth'." - Pip said it not me, but Jesus, there's kind of something in that. No, I am not getting broody. But there's still kind of something in that.
* "Functioning-adult" inadequacy... The consistency of my cuss-word censorship is also inadequate...
Sun February 20, 2011, 1.45 am: Tonight's Million Pound Drop sprung this choice on one feckless pair: Lunch or Dragons? Yes, that's LUNCH... or DRAGONS. A dilemma we all face every day, I'm sure you agree.
Thu February 17, 2011, 18.03 pm: Thomas is listening to "Public Sector Pay-Freeze (part 2)" by Davey C and the Big Society.
Sun February 13, 2011, 23.36 pm: Annual Valentines Day response: 2009 - head threatened to explode in violent bile and hatred; 2010 - got all misty-eyed with wistful contemplations on the nature of love; this year - a shrug of the shoulders and “meh”. Valentines Day is about as relevant to my life as World Streetdance Day: Other people’s bullshit for other people to deal with. I’m happy for them - but "not interested".
Sat February 12, 2011, 14.30 pm: Note: Massively esoteric current-affairs puns, made in a near-impossible-to-pick-up-on fashion are not the comedy gold you might think they are: they are actually completely pointless. You would do well to remember this in future.
Fri February 11, 2011, 18.27 pm: Thomas is listening to "Step Down Street Party" by Hosni and the Soft Revolution.
Tue February 08, 2011, 22.22 pm: Me: "You know, my wit is very important to me..." Pip: "Yeah. It's not as important to us."
Mon February 07, 2011, 22.44 pm: Power of teh interwebs: Intrigued by the discordant guitar stabs filtering through the wall, I fed google what I could make out of the words (the charming refrain: "Kill him, already, kill him") saw a YouTube result for Shellac's "Prayer to God", presumed it was that, and it was. I may have a bleak sense of humour, but I found the song pretty funny, in a puerile, tongue-in-cheek kind of way.
Sat February 05, 2011, 14.17 pm: "You can tell a lot about someone by their shoes" some say, turning their nose up at your scuffed and shabby sneakers. Maybe. You can also tell a lot about someone by the fact that they think they can tell a lot about someone by their shoes - ie that they're overly impressed with superficial appearances and make glib unwarranted assumptions about people. I think "touché" is the word you're looking for.
Thu February 03, 2011, 18.55 pm: Brain melting: "The viscosity of one's brain is inversely proportional to the viscosity of the material you are contemplating." - I was, tragically, quite proud at having come up with that. Think about it - it works. (Note: Brains do not actually melt when thinking. It is a METAPHOR. A METAPHOR.)
Tue February 01, 2011, 21.07 pm: "The wearing of two coats layered is hot news." says The Guardian's G2 Style Briefing. Damn straight! I've been doing it for years, darlings. And "You should probably cut down on the wearing-five-layers thing," said Ledge. Oh? I don't bow to fashion, fashion bows to me! (for a brief moment every once in a while if I wait long enough).
Sun January 30, 2011, 20.04 pm: Scientist: "But it hasn't been tested! I can't guarantee..." Scary man pointing gun: "I can't guarantee THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY! Turn it on!" ...Ah, yes, the old movie clichés are the best. Remind me, though, next time someone starts a sentence with "I can't guarantee..." to shout back at them "I can't guarantee THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY!" - just to see how they react.
Sat January 29, 2011, 15.58 pm: "What exactly is the appeal of Facebook?" asked my non-FB-using friend the other day, "All I ever hear about it is that it provides a platform for people to be cocks on." I was about to answer, and then, alarmingly, had to pause for some serious thought... 'cause, honestly, I couldn't really disagree with his summation...
(I use it because it provides me with a platform for me to be a cock on.)
Wed January 26, 2011, 22.12 pm: Habit dictates that when I ask for something in a shop I either "blahblahblah, please" or "blahblahblah, cheers". But every once in a while I will get confused and say "blahblahblah, CHEESE". Which is kind of embarrassing. Then, occasionally will audibly hear myself say "blahblahblah, jizz" quite unintentionally. Have not so far said "plears", but that'd be ok, 'cos it'd just sound like I was posh.
Wed January 26, 2011, 00.35 am: Economic contraction shock!: How? How is this a shock to anyone exactly? The last 3-4months have been nothing but doom and gloom - all looming cuts and AGE OF AUSTERITY, slashed benefits, unemployment, bust businesses, the "big freeze", spiralling fuel costs, high inflation, tax rises and deficit, deficit, deficit... I mean was all this supposed to get people happily spending money again?
("...Wood for the trees" leaps, like a spring gazelle, to the lips.)
Mon January 24, 2011, 17.52 pm: "Life is just a slow, gentle and very productive form of combustion" - a Chemists view.
Sun January 23, 2011, 14.53 pm: Couldn't help but grin at overhearing the slick, charming pick-up routine that two fellas used on two ladies next to me at the bar get swiftly dismissed and end in stone walled awkwardness... makes you feel better about not bothering yourself. Still, got to admire that kind of direct, brazen approach - While, of course, I'd never be so gauche, I'd also just not have the balls.
Fri January 21, 2011, 19.01 pm: Listening to Balls try'n make it sound convincing that he spontaneously started agreeing with Miliband about cuts n that, un-coerced. Yes, of course, Balls. What a load of balls, Balls. Frankly I don't give two hoots whether the Shadow Cabinet are "all on the same page", I just want to see Balls give Osborne some shit. Some serious shit. Bring it.
Tue January 18, 2011, 20.35 pm: I took a tour of the new profile. It told me that horrible and embarrassing pictures people tagged of you will now be the first thing folks see on your profile, then demanded a bunch of personal details. I responded by deleting some personal info so there's less than there ever has been. F*** you, Facebook.
Mon January 17, 2011, 17.45 pm: Adorable Puppy Items: My toilet paper wants me to collect "puppy points" to go on "active days out" and get "adorable puppy items". Which is a kind offer, and I don't mean to be crude, but really I just wanted something to wipe my azz with. Ahem.
Mon January 17, 2011, 00.38 pm: High barnett, low word-count: Supposed to be writing, but it's late now and I'm feeling a bit flat. Unlike my hair, which is looking increasingly '80s bouffant comb-back - don't stare, circumstances have (again) just arranged it that way and I'm cutting the damn stuff tomorrow.
Thu January 13, 2011, 23.56 pm: The European Council should not be confused with the Council of the European Union, and the Council of Europe is something else entirely... Public affairs revision: Am I weeping, or is that my melted brain seeping out through my eyes?
Wed January 12, 2011, 23.03 pm: This week, every time I have something to gripe about I will add the suffix "...but it's ok, because I have the POWER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS on my side." - for no other reason than that it makes me chuckle in my kidneys.
Wed January 12, 2011, 00.56 am: "In the next few days, you'll be upgraded to the new profile, which offers to get rid of the status update you deliberately put at the top of your page and replace it with personal information and pictures that you don't want there... ahem, I mean offers you more ways to show and tell your story. For US to show and tell your story that is, not you." Thanks for that Facebook. Told you they'd force me eventually.
Mon January 10, 2011, 01.36 am: WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT ~1: Sherbet can be messy, with or without a liquorice dipping rod. This is what I have found out today.*
(*WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT ~2: Grown men should probably not be eating Sherbet Fountains. It is undignified. [Well, y'know, it was just lying about. Not going to eat itself.])
Sun January 09, 2011, 17.02 pm: Drove past a Cartridge World car which said "CARTRIDGE WORLD - Think about it". I thought about it, but even so couldn't work out, by the power of pure thought alone, what they wanted me think about.
Sat January 08, 2011, 17.10 pm: That strange New Year feeling: Time to knuckle down again and get on with things, I guess. "This could be the year stuff turns around for me and works out!" I think; but I say that every year, and a week in you realise life just kinda goes on as normal. Every New Year seems full of promising possibilities, but the problem with promising possibilities is that they disappear as things actually play out...
Tue January 04, 2011, 23.53 pm: Signs that you're not quite firing on all cylinders today: When going for a smoke you step outside, fumble for the matches, strike one, hold it up to your lips - only to get that odd confused feeling that something SIMPLY ISN'T RIGHT with this scenario... as you re-engage out of autopilot to find yourself pouting at lighted match with no cigarette in your mouth. What a knob.
Sat January 01, 2011, 16.29 pm: If anyone has seen my 2010 please let me know - I'm sure I went out with it last night, but I seem to have come home with this "2011" thing.
Sat January 01, 2011, 6.05 am: Yeah, Happy New Years (that's years, plural) and all that jazz... I am up later than you were. Light weight.
Fri December 31, 2010, 16.38 pm: Sheesh - CRAZY insomnia last night. At 7.30am, without a single minute's sleep, got up, pottered around house in dressing gown, had an apple and cigarette (decided against coffee), greeted the dawn like a bleary-eyed Buddha. Felt fine, full of energy. Then slept most of the day, now feel sluggish as a shell-less snail, gritty as a Ken Loach film and groggy as a pissed-up pirate, fresh for New Year's Eve. Huzzah.
Wed December 29, 2010, 19.33 pm: Halfway through shuffling around Tesco's, I stumbled upon an aisle called "Meal Solutions". Yes. "SOLUTIONS". Having already got a basket full of possible solutions to my meal-based problems, (ie. food) I passed it by. But I think I chuckled out loud, which possibly made me look like a freak, laughing at supermarket signs...
Mon December 27, 2010, 20.33 pm: L: "It's all melting, look. It's like one of those films where all the snow melts." N: "Mmm. Or like real life, when all the snow melts." L: "No, you know, one of those films where everything's dead and the snow queen dies and it all melts." N: "Oh yeah, one of THOSE films." L (getting frustrated): "Well, isn't it a legend, or Narnia or something?" N: "It is. A legend or Narnia or something."
Sat December 25, 2010, 19.28 pm: I do trust that we are all achieving our 2010 targets for sustained yuletide enjoyment.
Fri December 24, 2010, 17.38 pm: "Tiiiiiiis the seeeeeason, there's always Coca Colaaaaaaah!" - did that line in the ad used to make anyone else cringe? No? Just me then? *Shakes head* ...Well, it's here. Wrapping presents and grinning like a loon. Merry bobbins n that, folks.
Fri December 24, 2010, 16.06 pm: Who'd've thought the ideal soundtrack to weaving through the traffic on that final Christmas Eve afternoon shopping jaunt would be... a bit of Gary Numan. Excellent. Futuristic Synth Christmas.
Thu December 23, 2010, 00.04 am: I wonder how long it'll be before facebook forces me to adopt the new-look profile. The one reason why I haven't yet - statuses do not appear at the top. Shakes head. Shakes head indeed.
Mon December 20, 2010, 23.38 pm: "Informer, you know say daddy me snow, me a-go blame. A licky boom boom down." Well, yes. I'm sure this line is supposed to convey some kind of sense, but no matter how much I look at it, I just can't see it.
Sat December 18, 2010, 15.46 pm: "The window curtain ghost! Froze my heart and dust my throat..." - Beefheart is dead. Well, he'd been ill for a good two decades, but still makes me sad - are there any of my old heroes still left alive?... Actually, yes, yes there are. But Beefheart is dead.
Tue December 14, 2010, 15.00 pm: This week, I will be responding to anything anyone says by starting every sentence with "As Proust put it so well..." before just saying what I was going to say and failing to quote Proust - as part of my ongoing bid to A) sound like the most pretentious man on the planet and B) baffle everyone.
Mon December 13, 2010, 18.29 pm: Advertising BS detector: "Tough" dancing - the VW Polo is "tough and beautiful", just like those people's dancing, look. When I think of small VW cars, "urban tango" is, of course, what naturlly springs to mind, of course. This advert annoys The Ledge, which amuses me. "Who dances like that?" He says, "That's not tough" - I do, Ledge. My dancing is tough and beautiful.
Sun December 12, 2010, 19.34 pm: Another rare exposure to the Factor last night, which I didn't begrudge since it's diverting to "watch to hate" now and again. By the finals it really has become one massive promotional excercise, one big music-industry advertisment, hasn't it? A bit like those "advert feature" pages in magazines. One True Voice (I will be stickng to calling them that) will win because they will make the most money. Simple as that.
Fri December 10, 2010, 21.58 pm: Heat wave! Phew! What a scorcher. Like Barbados out there - Just strode down the street, all loose of limb, without going into a clenched huddle. Didn't even wear my gloves and my hands didn't even hurt. Got in my car, started it and went, no scraping or nuffin. In such a good mood I even initiated pleasant banter with a shop assistant. I have so much love for temperatures above zero right now...
Thu December 09, 2010, 00.12 am: 5431 - Haven't seen much of you since you became President of the USA. Bad luck on the the mid-term elections. I miss playing twister with you, Putin and Sarkozy. I don't have your Buffy box-set anymore, I lent it to Stephen Hawking. Remember that time we shared a sleeping bag with Lady Gaga at Everest base camp? Happy days.
Tue December 07, 2010, 23.38 pm: Was just accosted by an ad saying "Be Naughty on Facebook: Feeling Naughty?" And there was only a "Yes" button. I feel a bit soiled. No, facebook, no I don't really, not right now - I've got a stinking cold and I'm tired. And anyway, if I was feeling "naughty" it's none of your damn business and I sure as hell wouldn't be doing anything about it over facebook. Try Jason Manford.
Sun December 05, 2010, 15.08 pm: This week, whenever someone tells me about something that is really popular, successful and good, I will be responding with "Oh, yeah, the punters go for that..." - as part of my ongoing bid to sound like the most cynical, patronising and obnoxious man on the planet.
Thu December 02, 2010, 23.28 pm: What I hate about winter: 1) The cold. 2) The dark. 3) Being cold, in the dark. 4) Getting up in the cold and dark. 5) De-icing your car in the cold and dark. 6) Driving home from work in the dark... cold. 7) Everything being still and dead and cold and dark. 8) People telling you snow is "fun", whilst you're cold, and it's dark... have you spotted a theme yet?
Wed December 01, 2010, 22.02 pm: November is barely even cold in its grave and everyone is shaving off the face furniture. How disappointing, you fickle, fly-by-night, lightweight, fairweather moustache Judases, you.
Tue November 30, 2010, 18.51 pm: "Hyper-drive back online. Let's crank this baby up and see what she can do..." That was a cringesomely tragic use of sci-fi metaphor to refer to the boiler in my house, as if "cranking it up" is going to enable faster-than light travel to another galaxy, as opposed to simply make things a bit warmer. I feel a bit embarrassed that I said it now.
Mon November 29, 2010, 21.06 pm: Day 5 Report 2: Covered myself in seal fat and headed for the kitchen in a makeshift canoe. Evidence that Innuits had been there, but no food. Cut a hole in the ice to fish. No luck. Canoe became trapped in pack ice, had to return up stairs on ski. Ledge, snowblind and frostbitten, went out into the blizzard earlier with the words "I am just going to my room. I may be some time." He did not return.
Mon November 29, 2010, 19.15 pm: Day 5 Report: House is now like a series of airlocked chambers, only one or two of which are warm... ish. Have to remember to put your coat on the leave the room. Downstairs is a pretty bleak and desolate place - not venturing down there unless I need to. Is interfering a bit with... well, doing anything. So far just about resisting the urge to hibernate. Oh, but it looks pretty outside, woo-hoo.
Sun November 28, 2010, 1.34 am: Never thought that a small portable heater could make me so happy. Occasionally I will stick my face next to it and grin like a loon. Who knew moods were so dependent on simple temperature? This thing is not leaving my side. Ever.
Sat November 27, 2010, 15.21 pm: Oh, the snow. What "fun". Yes, it's "fun". We're having "fun". I'm cold.
Fri November 26, 2010, 22.28 pm: Reports: 3rd night in a row with no heating/hot water. It's f***ing brass monkeys. Inadvisable to take coat off. Inadvisable to stop moving around. Ledge n Anna have given up and gone to bed already, for warmth - before 10pm on a Friday night, for Moses sakes. Have spent some time standing by the open oven. This MOUSE is freezing. Dissatisfied with these circumstances... actually, a bit f***ing cross, y'know?
Thu November 25, 2010, 23.37 pm: I am about to have a "shath". No that's not rude. I'm running a bath using the shower (I decided on "shath" because having a "bower" sounded a bit scary). I have my reasons for this, but I won't tell you why; it's a long story and besides, I don't have to justify myself to the likes of you.
Wed November 24, 2010, 22.17 pm: Note to self: Try to avoid sounding like the Black Eyed Peas in your status updates.
Tue November 23, 2010, 14.19 pm: "I'm high maintenance": Not sure when this became a proud boast rather than a sorry admission, since it does kind of translate as: "I'm shallow, greedy, self-obsessed and fickle". Y'know, not massively attractive; not the most warm, sexy, romantic pose you could be throwing out there, y'know? I dunno. Where's the romance in this rotten world?
Sun November 21, 2010, 15.54 pm: The Sunday afternoon routine: Get up in the pm. Be disgruntled about wasting the morning. Look at what you've got to get done today. Coffee and a cigarette. Think about going up town for a look about and a coffee later. Waste an hour on the internets. Have 'breakfast'. Piddle about with laundry. Have a bath. Have a look at facebook... oh too late to go up town now really. Getting dark. Have done nothing.
Sat November 20, 2010, 22.41 pm: Experiences of X-Factor 2010 thus far: Post-Gamugate I have seen only this: James me made sit through the Halloween special, including Thriller performed, to my uncomprehending bafflement, as an emotional power ballad. Today turned on to a wide-shot of the four Judges regally surveying a show-bizzed version of a Beatles song. Had to scrabble for the buttons before my teeth ground to dust and head exploded in rage.
Fri November 19, 2010, 19.50 pm: The Ledge's doom on Children in Need: "What they should do is, at the end have Cameron and Clegg come on and take away 25%... well, it's tough economic times." I'm still trying to work out exactly why he said this.
Wed November 17, 2010, 20.28 pm: Really not sure what is going on with my constitution. Feel fine if I don't eat, but then I eat, and it's a couple of hours of serious URGH. Is this a bug, or aggravated Yakult deficiency? I promise to re-asses my neglectful stance towards pro-biotic yoghurts. If I had one I'd take it. Probably wouldn't do anything though.
Tues November 16, 2010, 18.28 pm: Am extremely achy and tired, faintly nauseous, and a bit headswim. I think I might be ill - that or I'm experiencing the first rising vibes of an acid frenzy that I didn't know I was taking.
Sun November 14, 2010, 21.25 pm: Masterchef The Professionals - Michelin (that's mee-shall-on) star cooking. You will never cook this yourself, nor will you ever eat it on a regular enough basis to become a connoisseur - but still you sit there nodding along, grave of face "oh, yes, that's too many ingredients on a plate; oh, of course, the lime and coriander jus is too overpowering for that dish" - as if you know f***ing anything about it.
Wed November 10, 2010, 23.52 pm: 5 Pick-Up Moves That Really Work (as long as she likes the look of you - if she doesn't, any interest whatsoever will be labelled tragic and/or creepy regardless): 1. Don't be a total prick; 2. Don't be a total prick; 3. Don't be a total prick; 4. Don't be a total prick; 5. Actually, be a total prick, they always seem to get the girls.
Tue November 9, 2010, 19.44 pm: The composition of The House of Lords*: 662 Life Peers + 91 Hereditary Peers = 713 LORDS TEMPORAL. Lords Temporal can travel through time. Also, there are 25 LORDS SPIRITUAL. Lords Spiritual are ghosts. (*Some of this information may be inaccurate.)
Mon November 8, 2010, 16.13 pm: At one point, me and The Ledge were both standing in the kitchen scoffing huge bags of onion rings, bought independently from different shops, like a male version of synchronised menstruation cycles. Up next: Sitting in the lounge in identical thermal body-stockings. Well, Ledge keeps threatening to buy one, and with the constant teeth-vibrating temperature in this house I'm scarily drawn to the idea myself.
Sat November 6, 2010, 16.40 pm: They just used the word "crisp" (5 times in 2 minutes) to describe a room in Grand Designs. I'm looking around my lounge now. It's not very "crisp".
(It's "soggy".)
Sat November 6, 2010, 00.11 am: Broadband at the folks' place is down. But the man at TalkTalk head office couldn't tell Dad how long it would be before he could get through to someone who could tell him how long it would be before he could access the "customer feedback" email they'd sent him to tell them they were shit.
Tue November 2, 2010, 20.43 pm: "Did you know that if you type 20p into a well-known search engine, the fourth result it offers up are stories related to this very newspaper?" gloats Simon Kelner, editor of 'i'. That's nice Simon; but do you know what happens if you type i into a well-known search engine? You realise you've chosen a search-engine proof name for your new 'internet-generation' paper, that's what.
Mon November 1, 2010, 17.27 pm: All these updates about my new phone may lead some to believe that there's nothing much exciting or interesting happening in my life. Well, I assure that's... mmn. Actually pretty accurate, really. I mean I COULD tell you about how my law revision is going, but who wants to hear about that? I've got TEXT AUTO REFLOW on this device. Have you got TEXT AUTO REFLOW? Eh?
Sun October 31, 2010, 14.02 pm: Should warn folks that, if you put your mobile number in your facebook info, my phone's facebook-auto-sync thing automatically put's it in my phone book. Together with my tendency to accidentally select things as I swoosh around, the possibility of me randomly calling people I have no business calling is now disquietingly real. I sense impending social embarrassment.
Fri October 29, 2010, 15.10 pm: It's my birthday! (It's not my birthday). Yes. There is now something very wrong with the world - I have a touch screen phone. WHAT? Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... well, as soon as I've waited 3 hours for the damn thing to charge.
Mon October 25, 2010, 21.45 pm: Thomas Cleans Up #2: I hit upon a revolutionary idea: What if I take a couple of hours each week to attack a little bit at a time? And - Imagine this! - What if I DON'T STOP, and carry this principle to the rest of the house - forever? Imagine what could be accomplished! Then I realised this was called DOING REGULAR HOUSE WORK, and my mind was blown - I had gained insight into the lives of normal human beings.
Mon October 25, 2010, 21.29 pm: Thomas Cleans Up #1: 2 hrs and 3 full binbags after attacking the months-neglected floor-space devouring piles, I retreated to ponder the increasingly apparent problematics of my endeavour. "This isn't one task - it is many. There's the sorting and sifting of the piles, yes - but also the question of shelf space; sundry surfaces to be rationalised; the dust issue; items to be washed; the carpet..." I grew pensive.
Sat October 23, 2010, 17.00 pm: You want to take some snackfood with you for the day, but only have a large bag of dry roasted peanuts. Mid-morning you open this up to take a swig or two, folding the top and placing it carefully in your bag so as not to spill any. Later, you open your bag to discover everything in a sea of loose dry-roasted peanuts. This causes you to experience feelings of sadness.
Tue October 19, 2010, 19.24 pm: Was quite surprisingly taken with the girl behind the Oswestry Orthopaedic Hospital pharmacy counter today. But then, even the most charming and effervescent 2 minute discussion on how and when to take one's medication does not seamlessly flow into "So, hey, do you want to get a coffee sometime?"... so I said "Thank you. Bye." instead. But I said it in a charming and effervescent way. Sigh.
Sun October 17, 2010, 15.25 pm: Don't turn on the TV, Thomas... Soap omnibi. Technicolour credits of some 1950s historical epic. Aw, man, it's all a bit Sunday today, isn't it?
Sat October 16, 2010, 00:25 pm: If I hear the words SPENDING REVIEW one more SPENDING REVIEW time, I think I might SPENDING REVIEW... well, get very tired of SPENDING REVIEW those words SPENDING REVIEW indeed. Which since SPENDING REVIEW that's all that's going to be SPENDING REVIEW in the news next week, is pretty SPENDING REVIEW likely - can we agree to just call it "the CSR" from now on? SPENDING REVIEW.
Wed October 13, 2010, 22.45 pm: Well, I was wrong. 2 nibs, a film review, and an interview leading to a 1,000 word feature article (that in fairness, may have to be edited some). Not bad for a first day. But I did make the tea. Once, anyway.
Wed October 13, 2010, 00.21 am: "New guy in the workplace" apprehension: I think tomorrow I will mostly be making tea. Sigh. I commanded classes once... (ok, "commanded" may not be quite the right term...)
Sun October 10, 2010, 23.54 pm: Taking in the Facebook movie, it's only proper I should Facebook people about it on Facebook. Facebook suddenly looks less frivolous, faddy and familiar and more like something slightly out of control; on an unknown trajectory from a bloody birth of obsessive ambition, feeding frenzy chaos and casualty-strewn disputes... feel almost sullied using it, now. But the film is excellent - exactly what I hoped it'd be.
Sun October 10, 2010, 12.55 pm: Gamugate: The bizarre but wonderful prospect of helium-headed, Heat-reading, gossip-junky X-factor fans having to gen up on Zimbabwean political affairs and the intricacies of UK immigration bureaucracy. Awesome.
Sat October 09, 2010, 00.50 am: 'Like' watch #2: Today's most disingenuous 'like' - "I don't hate you. I NOTHING you. Hate implies that I actually think about you". That's right, I care so little and think about you so rarely that I spend my time creating facebook 'like' pages about my feelings towards you. Just to prove this is the case, you understand...
Thu October 07, 2010, 23.20 pm: Alarmed at the "advice" being bandied around by needy romantics on these "like" pages: "If a girl looks sad....the best thing you can do no matter what is hug her". NO MATTER WHAT?! I assure you, "... but she looked a bit sad" is not going to carry much weight in that ensuing sexual harassment case.
Thu October 07, 2010, 15.40 pm: Must remember to build 15-20 mins "getting lost" time into any long journey that involves negotiating a sloppily sign-posted city (ie. all of them): A wrong turn ALWAYS happens, at least once (I mean really, signs saying simply "through-traffic" are not that much help - through to where? On what road?). I did, and it did, but it was ok because I had. And a good job too, or I'd have been embarrassingly early.
Wed October 06, 2010, 00.54 am: THE NEWS doesn't sleep, and neither does Thomas.
Mon October 04, 2010, 18.40 pm: My gods, does X factor continue to horrify... (let me answer that for you: Yes. Yes it does). I don't even know what that show thinks it IS any more - what's all this "homes of the rich and famous" and "cool young hopefuls play with wildlife" business? Not that I watched it of course, I intuited such with my omniscient psychic abilities. Of course.
Mon October 04, 2010, 18.01 pm: Synth/age concern: One key on the MS20 is out of tune; the LED screen on the JX8P has suddenly packed in; my hair is getting extremely thin at the front. I suppose you've got to expect such - these things were made in the late '70s/early 80's, after all.
Sat October 02, 2010, 19.53 pm: Coca-cola ad: "Tired out from the football?" (bloke enters) "Exhausted from shopping?" (girl enters)... man alive, Coke, haven't seen such empty, unimaginative gender stereotyping for a long while. Well done. Aren't you aware it's the 1990's now?
Fri October 01, 2010, 17.13 pm: "What have you done to prepare to enter the world of Journalism?": Well, I've got a piece of card, written "PRESS" on it and bought a fedora to stick it in. I've also practised saying "Stop the press!" and "Hold the phone!" in a New York accent. That about covers it, doesn't it?
Wed September 29, 2010, 20.36 pm: Had the "pleasure" of getting in and finding Home and Away on the telly today, and it struck me for the first time ever (well, since I was 14 at least): Why is it called that? Might seem like a silly pedantic question, but the the question is now haunting me, like that "What's hidden in an empty box" fortune cookie gem - why would ANYONE come up with that as a name for a soap?
Sun September 26, 2010, 19.01 pm: Only just started, but already getting the idea that getting shorthand up to 100wpm is going to break my balls and give me repetitive strain injury. It's apparently such a fine-honed skill that the TYPE OF PEN and TYPE OF PAPER can be critically important for your speed... presumably NOT HAVING ARTHRITICY HANDS might help, too. Oh dear. Oh dear me.
Fri September 24, 2010, 19.26 pm: Spider Saga pt.4: Worry no more, dear reader: Spider returned, rested and healthy, with a big fat fly supper to boot; Ledge averted bin-day apocalypse by a skilfully engineered web-relocation programme that all happened whilst I slept. And everyone lived happily ever after, hooray. Bored of spider-related updates now, not convinced there's enough material here for a great novel. ie. No car chases. Yet.
Fri September 24, 2010, 1.17 am: Spider Saga pt.3: Strange and sinister developments... observed smaller spider spin a thread to the centre of spider's web, resulting in minor altercation; later 2 smaller spiders were building webs onto our hero's web, whilst our hero attempted to fend them off. Later again... our hero was gone! Having invested in spider's plight, am disturbed. Have they killed him/her/it? Or was it, in fact, spider sexy-time?
Wed September 22, 2010, 12.37 pm: Spider Saga pt.2: ...Then spider decided to forego that hard-won wisdom and rebuild the web across the door again. *Sigh*. I didn't have the heart to destroy it a second time, so it's still there for now; but come Bin-Day of Doom, I will have to. To spider I must be like great cruel Zeus, whose wrath doth sweep away cities... spider could never understand that I simply wish to get to my bin.
Tue September 21, 2010, 22.36 pm: Spider Saga pt.1: In a tragic fluke of naive misjudgement, built it's web across my back door. With sad-eyed pity, I carefully plucked the strands of one side and attempted to re-attach it at an angle so I could pass: but, alas! Web wilted and was gone later. Next day, observed spider building a new one at said angle to allow passage - spider had learnt! I was heartened for the plight of spider.
Mon September 20, 2010, 13.50 pm: Today's most popular google.co.uk searches under letters of the alphabet: argos; bbc; currys; debenhams; ebay; facebook; google maps; hotmail; ikea; john lewis; klm; lotto; msn; next; o2; paypal; quidco; rightmove; sky; tesco; utube; vodaphone; weather; xe; youtube; zara. "Hmmm..." for the day: What does this tell us about our society's obsessions?
Sat September 18, 2010, 21.42 pm: The Ledge, for reasons clear only to himself, bought TWO bags of shallots, more than he's likely to get through before they go fungal. He has since been trying to palm shallots off on me. I have no use for shallots. But it was his birthday this week, so I bought him... another bag of shallots. Now we have alot of shallots. Ahem. Sorry - SHALLOT of shallots. Har har. Anyone want any shallots?
Wed September 15, 2010, 14.19 pm: You have caned someone else's superior-quality coffee almost single handedly. You feel you'd better replace it, like for like: Gold Blend simply will not do. Surveying the options, you settle on Kenco Columbian, which is "balanced and fruity"; though you are not sure how terms such as "balanced" and "fruity" are relevant to instant coffee, and suspect you may be in the presence of superior-quality Bulls***.
Mon September 13, 2010, 14.39 pm: As of today, and for the foreseeable future, I am NO LONGER A TEACHER. That, as Mr. B. Bunny* put it so well, is all, folks.
(*Mr B. Bunny never said such a thing. It was Mr. P. Pig.)
Mon September 13, 2010, 00.21 am: Rumours of my marriage and parenthood have been exaggerated... Just became aware that the last update, combined with current profile pic, may have led to believe I've been through a whirlwind pregnancy-and-engagement scenario... Fear not, fans, I'm still the barren, solitary oddball I always was (if slightly softened by events in the lives of my nearest n dearest). Not a functional human adult yet (*sniff*)...
Fri September 10, 2010, 14.04 pm: Big life events going on around me #2: Wedding hi-jinks... "reading" written... waist-coat dry-cleaned... "snazzy" shirt ironed... on route to Dorset with an overnight bag, a camera, a bunch of bananas, a Ledge and a copy of Alain de Botton's Consolations of Philosophy.
Tue September 07, 2010, 00.47 am: Well, he always did like to throw around platitudes about God, but really: No one wants or needs Stephen Hawking to start weighing in on theology debates. Give it a rest, Stephen, let the physics speak for itself and people make up their own minds - they will anyway. Tsk. Amateurs.
Mon September 06, 2010, 00.01 am: Familiarise yourself with the Cabinet: Michael Gove (Education) is that guy with the little-girl's pouty mouth. Liam Fox (Defence) always looks slightly troubled, presumably because these are troubled times. William Hague is not gay, but he is Foreign Secretary. The Baroness Warsi is "Minister Without Portfolio". Why hasn't she got a portfolio? Maybe she should work on building one up, y'know?
Fri September 03, 2010, 00.50 am: I want to welcome Untitled McKinnon #1 to the world, but, really, some events are too big for facebook status updates, so I will say no more. Hello, Bergerac.
Wed September 01, 2010, 22.33 pm: I split lemon barley squash on my computer keyboard. What '80s movies tell me will happen next: Keyboard will go "fzz", screen will go "bzzzyooooo..." and die, computer will burst into flames. What does happen next: Nothing. Keyboard still works fine. Conclusion: 1) Computers in the 80's were much more unstable; or, 2) '80s movies lie.
Tue August 31, 2010, 00.11 am: Intolerable vibes this God-forsaken Monday midnight. Or Tuesday now. You ever get in that mood where you simply can't relax and shut down? You're all pensive tension and vague worry for NO IDENTIFIABLE REASON? No? Just me then. It's probably due to the "condemned-man" downer that accompanies knowing I have only one day of holiday left... bummer.
Mon August 30, 2010, 02.16 am: Oooooh. Oh Woooooe! Oh Dooooom! Yes, it's dark by 9.30 and I am once again swathed in 3 layers of protection against the cruel world by the evening... Weep for the Summer: No more kicking about the house in vest and pants for me - Autumn has come to stand inappropriately close, with no regard for my personal space again.
Fri August 27, 2010, 14.06 pm: Searching for a dongle amongst peripherals I discovered technology that I didn't even know existed. Damn, this stuff is moving on fast. Surely it's only weeks before we get portable broadband access dongles we can slot directly into our eyeballs.
Fri August 27, 2010, 00.25 am: The Expendables: Not so much a story as a series of vignettes about absurdly macho men who aren't so much characters as pairings of characteristics: Wrestling n therapy guy; knives n girlfriend guy etc... topped with an extended fighty-fighty blowy-uppy set piece that appears to impart very little information as to why, exactly, all these people did the stuff they did. Obviously too high-brow for me: Over my head.
Tue August 24, 2010, 23.44 pm: So much "self-depreciation" issues from my mouth that I halve in value every year.
Mon August 23, 2010, 13.08 pm: Ledge suggested a "morning routine" to wake up and get you punching the air and saying "whoo!" to the new day: Star jumps > face in a sink of ice water > running on the spot > face in icy water > squat thrusts > face in icy water etc, etc. I suggested we do this together, relay style, and high five as we pass each other in the bathroom; the Ledge refused on grounds of hygiene.
Sat August 21, 2010, 19.31 pm: Gone almost a whole week without a status update, which must be some kind of record. Must have been a blessed relief for you all not to have my oddball whitterings clogging up your News Feed... well ruined that. Two things: 1) I am currently very amused by the term "fun biscuits" and am using it wherever possible. 2) I must go n feed kizzy-cat. Bye.
Mon August 16, 2010, 23.27 pm: I thought I'd be decadent and use TWO types of cheese on my cheese-on-toast. "They'll call me Tommy Two-Cheeses," I thought, "that's what they'll call me." Then to my horror I noticed my second cheese was two months out of date and mouldy. Ah, ain't that just always the way. Me and my ill-conceived aspirations. Tommy One-Cheese.
Sat August 14, 2010, 15.56 pm: If I put on a green body-stocking, staple cardboard petals round my face, saunter down to the Quarry in Shrewsbury and tell them I'm a flower, do you think they'll let me in for free?
Fri August 13, 2010, 18.08 pm: Feeling a bit fed up. Let's see what's on telly... Catty-dregs-fighting-over-money gameshow; Yuppie property-I-will-never-own show; Yuppie food-I-will-never-eat show; Makeover show; Soap; Catty-dregs-fighting-over-money reality show; Soap; Gameshow; Yuppie property-I-will-never-own show. Oh good. Now I'm properly depressed.
Thu August 12, 2010, 22.44 pm: When I was a kid I'd sneer and yuk at sickly-sweet girly-girls toys with all the bile and vitriol of any standard boy. But here's a thing: If it was an ANIMAL toy I would then feel a little guilty at having done so. Not with human-form toys, mind, only with animal toys. Not sure what to make of this fact - or what I expect YOU to make of this fact - 'cept that I've always been slightly conflicted. And quite weird.
Wed August 11, 2010, 14.28 pm: Some days, the first nasty coffee of the day is craved after from the moment you wake and cradles you like a tender motherly embrace; Today, the first nasty coffee of the day just tasted nasty, this sickly chemical fluid - and why you drink it baffles you. A deep metaphor in there somewhere about how ephemeral, elusive and changeable one's wants, needs and tastes can be. Two sugars? Really, though?
Mon August 09, 2010, 20.29 pm: "NAOMI CAMPBELL ACCUSED OF LYING IN WAR CRIMES TRIAL" - not a headline I ever expected to hear. What? You mean it's not plausible that she really thought they'd given her a "bag of dirty pebbles" as a gift? What's weird about giving people bags of dirty pebbles as gifts? That's what I got everyone last Christmas.
Sun August 08, 2010, 19.54 pm: Vanity issues #1: Double-taking every time I pass a mirror. Keep forgetting I've had a drastic hair-cut, and now the diameter of my head has been reduced by about a third. Sure, my increasingly shabby locks were causing me some distress before, all effeminate curling at the back and whispy, scraggly horror on top, but this turn of events is almost as distressing.
Sun August 08, 2010, 1.51 am: Picked up "A mother's (and other's) guide to breastfeeding". First 4 pages a bunch of bureaucratic jargon on the aims and objectives of said pamphlet which, being public sector myself n bombarded with such prose on a regular basis, made me angry... but overall effect: An informative read, if slightly uncomfortable. Learnt what "colostrum" was. Mmm. Not sure I'm ready for, or need to know, this information.
Thu August 05, 2010, 23.37 pm: Directions to Ali's: Get bus outside Waterloo. "Outside Waterloo" = about a km of surrounding roads. Good Luck. Get off bus within the "triumvirate of supermarkets". Turn right by curry house, white garage door. If Leanne shows up, don't freak out, it's Leanne. If a "big man" shows up, freak out, it's not Leanne. There are 13 types of tea in the cupboard but no coffee. That's not coffee, it's black mustard seeds.
Thu August 05, 2010, 00.43 am: Faced with a WALL OF GUFF at Bank tube station, Waterloo and City Line platform: Some posey pratt in Police sunglasses (be "YOUNIQUE"); an i-Slab ad suggesting I might like to access Facebook and Juliet Lewis videos on Youtube using my i-Slab; and Twilight f^"&ing Eclispe. Forgot how much being bludgeoned by the massive avalance of the same ads again and again on the underground gets to me after a couple of days.
Wed August 04, 2010, 13.04 pm: The good thing about football chants is that most of them are utterly generic, which means you can simply insert your team/colours into them and adopt them as your own. Thus demonstrating admirably in the process that there is NOTHING WHATSOEVER unique or special about your town or team. Well done.
Fri July 30, 2010, 16.23 pm: ~About Me~ #2: I have sat in alot of chairs. I own 4 pairs of "action slacks"/"tech pants". My star sign is uncertain. Derron Brown once asked me to recommend secondary Nietzsche literature on a dark rainy side-street. I am here now. I am also here now. And now. People tell me playing competitive team sports is fun, but I have played some and I just don’t know about that.
Fri July 30, 2010, 1.08 am: ~About Me~: My favourite blade of grass on my lawn is no.5246. My eye socket is 1 1/2 inches wide. I have been to Betws-y-Coed once. I enjoy the feeling of my vocal chords vibrating. A kid once asked me if I "went up and down stairs" to which I replied "yes." People tell me olives are nice, but I have tasted them and I just don't know about that.
Thu July 29, 2010, 15.57 pm: Dreams taunting me with happy visions of situations that once seemed possible but were never to be. Resulting melancholy on waking is bitter-sweet but sweetly bitter, and wistfully seductive. But, it's ultimately futile. Aimless and unproductive - a romantic fug to shake off. I'm sleeping too much and brooding too much. Do some work, Thomas.
Wed July 28, 2010, 14.30 pm: Next-door's trampoline is growing. It's now a safety-net-flanked monstrosity, the full width of the garden and apparently the only thing in it. The shed has gone to accommodate it. Is this normal? Is "sproinging up and down a bit" now such an essential activity in children's lives that people will give their whole garden over to it? Are they planning to go professional and train up Olympic athletes? Well... er... ok.
Mon July 26, 2010, 14.07 pm: Being a gentleman of leisure for the summer now, I decided to wander around the house for a prolonged period this morning in my underpants, which Pip tells me is a "liberating" experience to be had. However, all I felt was a persistent sense of unease that I was not "contained", and ill-prepared for combat.
Sun July 25, 2010, 4.41 am: On Nihilism: "...But my moroseness is probably about some girl or another – I don’t really have a problem with the meaninglessness of existence, that’s fine by me."
Sat July 24, 2010, 13.37 pm: Joy at being on holiday lasts approx. 7hrs. You have a £^*%ing avalanche of tasks and projects you've been thinking "I'll do that in the summer" about for months. Now summer is here you don't know if you want to do them any more, and can't remember half of them, but still they're there, increasing in urgency. This starts pressing on your mind roughly about 7hrs after finishing work. So much for holiday joy, dammit.
Fri July 23, 2010, 12.59 pm: "It's weird ennit?" drawls The Ledge, snapping out of his brief boozy snooze to accost me from his chair "When you look about... you can always see yer nose. It's always... there." Holy Michael J. Fox, he's right. And now I can't stop noticing it.
Thu July 22, 2010, 22.44 pm: Pharrell Williams out of The Neptunes/NERD may find it a really good thing to do to body-pop around in front of a camera surrounded by "honeeyz" whilst saying "Uh uh-uh uh uh". I, on the other hand, would feel embarrassed doing that.
Thu July 22, 2010, 1.32 pm: 2nd funniest thing I heard last week: That Anna thought the aliens in the ship that left E.T. behind were "E.T.'s mum and dad". 1st funniest thing I heard last week: "He might not even be called E.T. in his own language." "No, very possibly not."
Mon July 19, 2010, 20.43 pm: Facebook fatigue: Having reviewed everyone's latest status updates, I'm happy that everyone has stuff going on which is interesting to them; but I'm also kind of bored of hearing about everyone else's boring lives. I don't feel good about myself feeling bored about everyone else's boring lives though. Sorry about that.
Mon July 19, 2010, 1.42 pm: Tangled myself in knots writing about mathematical infinity, the big bang and quantum mechanics. Keep checking facts and revising what I'm saying to the point I've lost sight of what my point was supposed to be. Otherwise slept too much, watched a film about death and a film about dreams. Now feel so utterly not-of-this-world that I think I need to look at my utility bills or summat to re-engage with my life...
Sat July 17, 2010, 18.21 pm: "You can show her that you're kind and funny and sincere and thoughtful and charismatic and intelligent and deep, that you think the world of her, that you're capable of looking sexy in a shirt... but apparently none of this is any competition for a few token, stock-phrase compliments from a guy with big arms who isn't afraid to touch her knee."
Thu July 15, 2010, 22.41 pm: "Justin Bieber" - these are just words that I've heard. I don't know who he is. No report has convinced me that knowing who he is would enrich my experience in any way. I have no opinion on the entity "Justin Bieber" or his work. I'm not interested in "Justin Bieber".
Thu July 15, 2010, 00.33 pm: The most crushing dismissal of an artist's body of work I have ever heard: "I'm not interested in Meat Loaf - I mean, what's he on about?" (The Ledge, 2009)
Sun July 11, 2010, 20.03 pm: I am SURE I have had my hair cut on Sunday before; but not today. Every barnet sharpener is shut. No sexy-sexy style for Thomas, today - will have to wear the tired thinning mop for another week.
Sat July 10, 2010, 14.45 pm: Me: "Right, what've I got to do this weekend? Better make a list." Ledge: "Hark at Schindler, here."
Wed July 07, 2010, 22.38 pm: Bertie-cat rolls up all nonchalant bonhomie. "Rrrr-koowl" he says, with a rakish grin. He considers jumping up as I rough-palm the top of his beaming bonce; but as he does I open my laptop which whirrs and puffs. Bertie's eyes widen in almost audible "OMG". He clocks technology he will never understand and falters in confusion; decides it prudent to slink away and reflect on what he has just witnessed.
Mon July 05, 2010, 23.25 pm: Student A:"They're anti-abortion but pro-life." Student B:"Anti-abortion IS pro-life isn't it?" Me:"Yes it is." Student B:"Then why did he say 'but'?" Me:"I think he meant to say 'and' instead of 'but'." Student A:(shrugs) Student B:"Yeah he should have said 'and' instead of 'but'." Me:"Do you think he should have said 'and' instead of 'but'?" Student B:"Yeah, do you think so too?" Me:"Oh, I concur".
Fri July 02, 2010, 19.39 pm: Purchased a bottle of 'This Water' along with my coffee at the motorway services. Till assistant asked, matter-of-fact, "So, just the coffee and... That Water?" Yes. Only struck me afterwards I should have said more than just "yes" because it is rare to find a motorway services till assistant with such a subtle grasp of linguistic observation.
Tue June 29, 2010, 23.03 pm: Laptop has freed me from my desktop to work and web-browse anywhere. Now all I need is a hands-free neck-harness so that I can work and web-browse whilst playing sports; doing manual labour; or making love to a beautiful woman.*
* I don't do any of these things.
Tue June 29, 2010, 20.50 pm: It's so hot, looks like you have three beaks, crow.
Mon June 28, 2010, 22.14 pm: Interested to see how long the England flags stay up for. Is it unpatriotic to tear it down in disgust? Is it silly and sad to leave it up, like Christmas decorations in January? Vote now.
Fri June 25, 2010, 20.04 pm: Resent having to walk past table tennis tables to get to the refectory 'cause when I do a ball might sproing off in my direction: Then my politeness gland nudges me to stop it and pick it up; then my sport-phobic geek gland worries I might make a fool of myself by failing to catch it; then my grumpy gland insists there is no reason I should have to do this; then my politeness gland secretes slight guilt.
Thu June 24, 2010, 00.13 pm: Thanks to all for Birthday stuff n that. I assure you I WAS actually quite upbeat that day. It was a good day, even with all the work and business... content, happy. I know some good, good people and I love all my friends and my downbeat cynical wise-ass persona prevents me from expressing this most of the time. So there it is.
Tue June 22, 2010, 23.47 pm: 33, the Jesus age. Typed "age 33" into google. Got this: "As young adults enter the culminating phase of early adulthood (ages 33–45), they enter the settling down (ages 33–40) stage. By this time, their careers (at least the first one) has been established and a spouse found." Christ. This did not make me feel like a successful human being. But if it's any consolation, Jesus hadn't done that sh*t either.
Sun June 20, 2010, 14.32 pm: Had the mother of all weighty dreams, like some Tarkovsky-style ‘70s Russian art-house sci-fi, involving love, friendship, mortality, man’s isolation in the universe, astrophysics, aerospace engineering, the subjectivity of the passage of time, doubts about working for a spurious communal goal, and the purchasing of posh chocolates. Haunted, confused and emotionally exhausted as a result. What a way to start the day.
Sat June 19, 2010, 19.18 pm: I am going to buy a laptop so that I can update my facebook status and write my important ground-breaking novel. No, hang on, I can do that already. That should read: I am going to buy a laptop so that I can BE SEEN updating my facebook status and writing my important ground-breaking novel from a New York-style coffeeshop. This will make me feel "cosmopolitan", even though I am in Shrewsbury.
Fri June 18, 2010, 20.46 pm: Today I have sat and absorbed information of little consequence, or just sat; I have talked out information of little consequence, or just talked; I have facilitated essentially pointless activity that essentially anyone could have facilitated; I have consumed 3 snackfoods, 1 sandwich, 1 beer and 4 cigarettes. One of those days when you wonder why you exist.
Tue June 15, 2010, 19.35 pm: Can't really say I'm on top of everything at the moment. But neither am I buried under everything. In overview I would have to say I am currently "within" everything. Some things I am on top of. Other things I am at the bottom of and scrabbling to get up. No innuendo in that last sentence, you filth.
Mon June 14, 2010, 18.24 pm: Colleague walks into staff room: "I just bumped into a guy on the stairs... young guy, very sharply dressed, quite handsome - anyone know who he is?" Me: "Was it ME?"
Sat June 12, 2010, 20.21 pm: Paranoid feeling that I am in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" as I go about business during England game. Streets dead, flags everywhere, everyone locked in front of TV screens emitting eerie bee-like drone for reasons I will never understand. Convinced as soon as they clock me acting independently they will point, eyes rolling back in heads, emitting an unearthly howl. Before beating me death with blunt implements.
Sat June 12, 2010, 19.32 pm: is looking at you in "that too-familiar, continental way".
Tue June 8, 2010, 3:20 pm: Life: Or "the slow process of disillusionment" as I call it.
Tue June 8, 2010, 3:09 pm: Larkrise to Candleford #2: Maybe something did happen, but the fact that I've watched at least one full episode but have literally no memory of anything that occurred suggests, at least, that there was no car chase. Not that I particularly tend to recall car chases. In fact car chases are mostly very boring, so I don't know why I said that.
Mon June 7, 2010, 2:51 pm: Clocked Will.i.am in a white suit, surrounded by showgirls with this David Guetta grinning like a loon on some decks behind him, at the World Music Awards. He told me, a few times, that "I wanna go crazy". This did not really speak to me much about my life. Saw Cravendale... er, Cloverfield... on telly. The sense of panicked bewilderment and devastation did.
Mon June 7, 2010, 2:44 pm: Clocked Will.i.am in a white suit, surrounded by showgirls with this David Guetta grinning like a loon on some decks behind him, at the World Music Awards. He told me, a few times, that "I wanna go crazy". This did not really speak to me much about my life.
Sun June 6, 2010, 2:37 pm: Larkrise to Candleford: I watched that show more than once. Nothing £^*$ing happened.
Sun June 6, 2010, 5:03 am: For anyone who claims English pronunciation is in any way logical or consistent: Rough cough though plough through. Fffffffuuuuuu....
Sat June 5, 2010, 5:31 am: When a woman says "You've always got some answer to anything I say to you, haven't you?", "Well, yes, it's called having a conversation." is not the most tactful response.
Fri June 4, 2010, 12:10 pm: The Ledge found me in the lounge, absorbed with intelligent concentration in a broadsheet newspaper, like a proper adult. He sat down, I carried on reading. Then I looked up to find he had grabbed a paper too, to peruse with serious-minded intent, copying me. Except that I had The Times. He had the Admag. Bless.
Thu June 3, 2010, 6:51 pm: got a bit carried away. What was supposed to be a little blog article on "A Marxist Criticism of The Simon Cowell" turned into a 3,000 word essay, and, well, that was my day. And I'm not even a remotely a Marxist. No one's going to read that... but hell, as a way to just forget everything and crack on, I'd recommend the writing thing... all exited about the possibilities again, bless.
Tue June 1, 2010, 4:08 pm: “The girl always had better options.” That’s one for the tombstone.
Mon May 31, 2010, 5:40 pm: "Aw shucks. I have cooked the wrong meat for them again." or, to put it more succinctly (using the indigenous Australian language Bininj Gun-wok) "Abanyawoihwarrgahmarneganjginjeng." Learn a new word every day, kids.
Mon May 31, 2010, 5:18 am: The most accurate word I can think of to describe my mood is "untethered". I'll let you make up your mind as to whether that's a good mood or a bad mood. I sure as hell don't know.
Sun May 30, 2010, 6:07 am: was rooting for England to come last in Eurovision last night. Result.
Fri May 28, 2010, 9:35 am: won "most comedic teacher" (which is only right), but then felt pressured to say something funny in acceptance, failed, made some pitiful attempt, embarrassed self, cast a pall over my success. Did not win "best beard", but happy to bow to Richard's awesome face-fuzz. Half considered encouraging a student to do a Kanye West on my behalf, tho.
Tue May 25, 2010, 1:44 pm: "What for are we living... only Mr. God knows why." Couldn't have put it better myself. Latvia's Eurovision entry is a bleak, existential affair: "What for do people live until they die?" Indeed. "I've asked my uncle Joe, but he can't speak." My goodness. Mr. God have have mercy.
Sun May 23, 2010, 3:39 pm: Was incautious about opening carton of orange juice. Was incautious about sauntering out of the house with t-shirt covered in orange juice. Was incautious about sauntering into cinema in orangey t-shirt to see Prince of Persia. It was utter, utter guff.
Sat May 22, 2010, 5:39 pm: Have been sitting outside and looking at stars. Awesomely tranquil and balmy tonight, no hint of what might be brewing over the horizon. But you know something is, for better or worse... (the void scares me a bit).
Sat May 22, 2010, 8:20 am: Police advise pubs to bar football shirts during world cup games as precaution against the inevitable violence and thuggery that WILL take place regardless. Response from England fans: Dignified affront at all being tarred with same brush? No. They go knee-jerk jingoistic and lash out at ethnic minorities. Perception that all flag-waving shirt-wearing England fans are bigoted moronic thugs is reinforced. Well done.
Thu May 20, 2010, 3:49 pm: Sheesh.
Tue May 18, 2010, 10:01 am: Half way through your second sandwich you suddenly become aware of what you are doing. You have got home from work and immediately headed out into the garden to eat sandwiches whilst pacing up and down outside the back door. Why? Why do I feel the need to go outside in order to eat? Why am I pacing? That this has happened automatically, without thinking, disturbs me a little. Is this ok, or is this weird behaviour?
Mon May 17, 2010, 4:26 pm: Too tired to go out and get cigarettes = too tired to care about my own cravings. Might sound like a positive thing to you, but I'm not so sure... is this a sign of healthy will power or a sign of world-weary soul-rot? It comes to something when you're too despondent to even bother with your preferred vices...
Mon May 17, 2010, 10:12 am: You try to reverse park into a space that is too small. You get the angle wrong, left half in, half out, with no clear bonnet-swing trajectory. You pull out and try again. You get it wrong. You pull out and try again. You get it wrong. You sigh and sit there blocking the road for sullen moment. You are far too tired and lacking in concentration to be dealing with this sh*t.
Sun May 16, 2010, 3:56 pm: I'm squeezing the last few drops (minutes) out of this weekend, readers, like a sponge in a desert. Soon as I turn off tonight I'll be waking up in HIGH STRESS WEEK. So much going on next week I'm already getting the high-blood-pressure brain-freeze just thinking about it. (The weekend is the sponge. I am not the sponge. Why did you think I meant I was a sponge?)
Sat May 15, 2010, 5:02 am: is heartened and encouraged by the fact that there was, indeed, a celebrity hairdresser in the '50s and '60s who curiously insisted on going under the perhaps less than dignified moniker of "Mr. Teasy-Weasy". The fact that he also affected a fake French accent and a pencil-thin moustache pleases me even more. This is what life SHOULD be like. More of this kind of thing.
Fri May 14, 2010, 3:37 pm: Out all evening = fine. Come home = suddenly really cold. There really is something not right with the temperatures in this house. You could store your unsalted hams in here any time of year, they'd keep for ages.
Thu May 13, 2010, 11:53 am: is wearisome. Thomas Morton is weary, some. Thomas Morton is BONE-TIRED.
Tue May 11, 2010, 1:26 pm: Hurh hurh, imagine if, right, when they were waiting for Cameron to show up at the Queen's joint, right, INSTEAD, right, I had rocked up and got sworn in as Prime Minister and then delivered a speech in front of No. 10. Hurh hurh, imagine if SPIDERMAN had rocked up, right, and got sworn in as... You get the picture. F*$£ Eastenders.
Tue May 11, 2010, 11:36 am: Turn the telly on, folks, it's all going down! "Britain has no Prime Minister" - does this mean we are currently an anarchist state? Can we get away with stuff? I disturbed myself that my immediate response was "wow, lets go out and kill some people"... crikey, a bit dark that, dunno where that came from. Don't go out and kill anyone, kids. It's not nice.
Thu June 2, 2011, 22.49pm: Jeez, feels like I've got a lot on my plate tonight... which is ironic, 'cos I've not had any tea.
Wed June 1, 2011, 21.11pm: "Well, you have to be ruthless to be successful in business." Yes, but the same can be said of being successful at being a totalitarian dictator, and we don't insist on admiring them. There IS something in common there - power and success: You've got to be at least a bit of a nasty tw*t. As Ledge said: "That's THE number one rule."
Tue May 31, 2011, 21.42pm: I don't like being new, it makes me... anxious. Like one of those anxiety dreams where you go to school and then realise you've got a test and you've been going to the wrong class all term, and then you realise you're not wearing any trousers.
Mon May 30, 2011, 16.37pm: Ah, goodbyes - I'm not brilliant at them, never sure quite what to say. But really quite sad to be leaving the County Times - it's been utterly awesome, everyone's been massively supportive and let me do so much - a great environment to work in with really nice, cool and funny people, and I can't overstate how important that is. I love you all!
Sun May 29, 2011, 18.21pm: Other highlights: AC Grayling, whose calmly well-constructed argument was as impressive as his hair; and Mount Kimbie, who are apparently "in the vanguard of the post-dubstep diaspora". We were wandering how painfully hip the audience would be and how we would fit into that, but was ok - and they were awesome. I think, y'know, that they are in the very vanguard of the post-dubstep diaspora.
Sun May 29, 2011, 17.54pm: Hay celebrity walk-pasts: A familiar looking girl walked up giggling something to someone else about "tell them we're artists" and brushed past. Me and Al looked at each other. "That was Josie Long". I said. "Oh! I thought it was someone we knew from the Nags," he said, "I was wondering why she blanked us."
Sat May 28, 2011, 14.05pm: At the Hay festival(s), fresh from having to bite my tongue throughout the whole Nietzsche talk. Don't get me wrong, the panel said informed and interesting things but... well, I could have done better job. Arrogant, yes. But also true dammit.
Thu May 26, 2011, 17.41pm: Just had tea standing up in the kitchen because I "couldn't be bothered" to sit down. Which seems like some kind of paradox, I know - especially as I'm known for preferring baths to showers because "I can't be bothered to stand up"... But if you're cooking and washing up at the same counter, why not just stay put? More efficient. EFFICIENT TEA.
Tue May 24, 2011, 22.54pm: Just typed in "houseboat" into google images, and now I want one. I think I used to dream about such things when I was a very small child...
Tue May 24, 2011, 21.25pm: If you apply John Stuart Mill's harm principle to the court story I just wrote... well, I dunno, really. I guess the law doesn't always go along with John Stuart Mill's harm principle.
Sat May 21, 2011, 20.21pm: Public Relations: I spend a frankly unreasonable amount of brain energy worrying that I've done or said something that might have upset someone - but somehow this still fails to stop me saying or doing things that somehow manage to upset someone. Sigh. Saying and doing things is hard to get right, sometimes, y'know?
Sat May 21, 2011, 1.06am: L: "I saw a bloke who, back in biblical times, touched a boat." *long pause* M: "Oh, ok, we'll leave that anecdote there, then, shall we? No need to explain that one."
Sat May 21, 2011, 00.16am: Friday night failure: When you're rattling about the house at midnight with a glass of rum in your hand, bored, restless and staring into the dim swamp of ennui, from TV to computer to TV to computer to TV and then you realise - I could have gone out tonight. "Why didn't I go out tonight?" you ask yourself. And to your confusion, you discover you really don't know. Chrissakes.
Thu May 19, 2011, 18.08pm: The world is all wrong #5: So... calculating murderer Malcolm Webster managed to get two women to marry him, before killing one and attempting to kill the other. Fred West, Hitler, the list goes on... yet here's me, who can attempt some simple, light, charming banter with an eligible lady and get treated like I'm some kind of creepy weirdo. Just an observation... but seriously, WTF, y'know?
*I'm not saying my famous "light, charming banter" always gets the "creepy weirdo" treatment, of course - that would be a bit worrying - just that it HAS happened in the past...
Wed May 18, 2011, 22.06: What I have found out today #3: Naked short selling is the practice of selling on shares before you've actually finalised getting hold of them yourself (as far as I understand it)... which means stock brokers, Financial Times readers and assorted high-powered city types will discuss "naked shorts" in serious voices, and without a hint of irony. Which makes me titter. A lot. £*^$ing absurd.
Sun May 15, 2011, 13.08: SEEMED a good idea: Have Twitter up during Eurovision. "There'll be loads of funny comments from the Twittersphere" - there weren't. "I'll have loads of witty observations to tweet" - I didn't. And when everyone in the room started heckling "Tweet that! That's gold! Tweet that!" after every other sentence that came out their mouths, I told them all to £*^% off and turned it off in a huff.
*Too much tweet pressure.
Sat May 14, 2011, 21.10: Yeah, Blue - There's FOUR of you singing, why the bollox do you need BACKING SINGERS?
Sat May 14, 2011, 20.25: Wilde (On the Judderman with The Prisoner Balloon): "Can we cross these off as definite failures yet?"
Sat May 14, 2011, 17.52: Looking forward to seeing Blur represent us at Eurovision tonight. *pauses* Maybe I misheard that.
Tue May 10, 2011, 23.12pm: If I were a superstitious man, I might have taken that recent string of meaningless, mild co-incidences as signs pointing towards something. So it's a good job I'm not a superstitious man or I'd now be raging that those "signs" turned out to be... meaningless, mild coincidences. *shakes fist at gods* You won't get me like that again, gods! I've done the special ritual to protect me from superstition!
Mon May 09, 2011, 23.08pm: The last six months must've been the illest I've ever had, but have also seen the highest incidence of people telling me I look relaxed, healthy, "fresh of face" and "well". What to make of this? And if that's really the case, what the hell kind of corpse-like appearance was I polluting the world with before?
Sun May 8, 2011, 12.18pm: Making coffee this morning, something about the scene caught my eye - something was odd. The kettle looked different. Not very different - it was clearly my kettle - but its proportions seemed ever-so-slightly distorted. It was placed at an unusual angle. I turned it and it looked normal again. Conclusion - really hadn't expected it to look that way from the front. Have had kettle 7 years. Hmm.
Fri May 6, 2011, 22.46pm: BBC4 is giving me nostalgia shivers. 1991 - PWEI/Ride/Neds in a row - check it out, aging indie kids!
Fri May 6, 2011, 21.20pm: Referendum results: 68% "Nah". Or more accurately, I suspect, "What the hell is this? Pfff. Too busy. Not interested". Ah well, never mind eh?
Thu May 5, 2011, 13.51pm: Forget Clegg, forget "what type of person is voting for what" - do you want: MPs elected by the biggest minority in any area, and all other votes ignored - or - everyone in the area to wrangle out a compromise until one MP can be said to have at least 50% support? For my money, one is clearly more subtle, representative, and, dammit, democratic - and it ain't FPP.
Wed May 4, 2011, 22.06pm: At 33 years of age I have only now just learnt how to wind up a watch properly. Slightly embarrassed. (ie. Chairman Mao watch works fine, as long as kept wound frequently. Russian pocket watch was possibly fine all along.)
Mon May 2, 2011, 19.38pm: This has to be the most boringest essay I've ever had to write: "Changes in local government taxation in the last 40 years". Zero chance of working in any references to nazis or weird deep-sea creatures into this one. OR IS THERE...?
Sun May 1, 2011, 22.28pm: Long, strange, all-over-the-place weekend. Long, strange, all-over-the place couple of weeks, actually. Or couple of years. Or, well... long, strange, all-over-the-place life. Ergfhmn.
Fri April 29, 2011, 13.11pm: What did that remind me of... that's it! The end of Star Wars. Half expected to see Chewy (Harry "Wales"?) standing to side and going "rrrffffrrrrrrooowwwl" at a blooping R2D2 (The Queen?). Actually quite liked it all. A bit of indefensibly anachronistic over-the-top ritualistic nonsense is good for the soul. Reminds us society is really not the sober, rational thing we like to pretend it is...
Fri April 29, 2011, 10.49am: Live tweeting from the Royal Wedding, here, from my sofa in front of my telly. Lots of cars driving around. Lots of descriptions of dresses.
Wed April 27, 2011, 20.44pm: Something happened today that made me a bit world weary, Ledge said something funny about it, comment I stole from Pip.
*Sorry if today's status update is generic, it was submitted by a work experience monkey.
Tue April 26, 2011, 21.50pm: Have returned from Aberdeen like a conquering lion. A conquering lion with the trots.
Wed April 20, 2011, 14.41pm: Verbal ticks: I've long had a tendency to start sentences with "as I say..." even when saying something I haven't yet said - but why am I saying "basically" all the time now? As I say, it must be, basically, something to do with being a) sleep deprived and b) in a strange environment. As I say, basically your speech and thought patterns are just that bit more muddled and hesitant, basically. As I say.
Tue April 19, 2011, 5.02am: Unforseen hunger: the "breakfast" part of "bed and breakfast" is kind of redundant if you have to leave at 5am each morning. Haunted by the eggs and bacon I will miss. Eccles cakes. My breakfast was 2 1/2 eccles cakes today.
Sun April 17, 2011, 18.44pm: Preparing to be parachuted into a strange job in a strange city for a week. Expect I'll be expected to hit the ground running doing God-knows-what, with only a Joe Odber for guidance. Nervous.
Sat April 16, 2011, 14.05pm: By all "inside" accounts Prince William has a long history of 1) Wishing he could lead a normal life and not be part of the whole Royal side-show 2) Hatred of the media. Led me to an odd revelation the other day: My feelings of weary apathy about the hype, jingoism and bullshit pageantry surrounding the Royal wedding are almost certainly shared by... Prince William. "Go" and "figure".
Wed April 13, 2011, 20.40pm: Have decided the world is not ready for Rural Street Dance in 2D. People just ain't feeling my flow. Bagpuss soft toy is getting all the attention anyway, and now he wants to go solo and start his own crew. I'm returning to my first love: Tuvan throat singing.
Tue April 12, 2011, 23.10pm: Street dance routine going well. Have mastered throwing Bagpuss soft toy into back flips like that kid out of Diversity. I'm taking the bold move of going for the under-represented genre of "Rural" Street Dance, as opposed to "Urban". But, try as I might, just can't seem to get my moves to work in 3D.
Mon April 11, 2011, 21.20pm: Hmmm, how can I make a bit of extra cash... better get working on my Street Dance routine.
Mon April 11, 2011, 20.09pm: Applying for a career development loan has turned out to be a labyrinthine process - a bit like one of those dreams where you're trying to pack a bag but every time you go to leave you realise you left something out. Course'll be over before I get it at this rate, and not sure I'll even qualify for the loan anyway. Balls to it. I'll just not eat for the next three months.
Mon April 11, 2011, 00.25am: 'You know when you're on your own and you think of something embarrassing you did or said in the past, and then you make a random noise or say something random out loud to "cover up the thought"?' - The Ledge made me aware of this phenomenon. And yes, I do do that too.
Thu April 7, 2011, 20.58pm: Couple of years back, clothes shopping was alright. There'd be a smorgasbord of items to which I'd think "yep, I'm gonna look SHARP in that!". Couple of years back I'd listen to the radio/music channels and usually find SOMETHING that got me thinking "hey now, what's THAT?". Today: Nothing. Nothing at all. All is "pffff"... My tatses are now misaligned with society: I've gone out of fashion.
Wed April 6, 2011, 23.00pm: Parents and digital: Even though they haven't had an analogue TV for a good 5 years, Dad was still excited at the prospect of the digital switch over, if slightly muddled in expressing it - convinced the picture was sharper (and maybe it is), when the Saxon horde appeared on Midlands Today he proclaimed thusly: "Ooh, this'll look good in colour."
*In fairness, he did catch himself before finishing the word "colour". However he was not at all impressed when I responded to his grief at losing teletext with "Well, there's this thing called the internet now, Dad."
Mon April 4, 2011, 20.05pm: Tum ta tum ta tum. Pffff. Obobobob. Yawn. Man alive, facebook is dull and vacuous tonight.... Not YOUR posts, obviously, YOUR posts are diverting as always/YOU haven't posted anything? Oh that'll be why then. (delete as applicable) But everyone else's, well, gee, I'm not feeling the zip and zing of banter and intrigue on here tonight... are YOU? No. Quite.
Fri April 1, 2011, 14.03pm: I just drank a glass of lemonade. Haha! April fool! No I didn't I fooled you, I was lying and you believed me. (It was a glass of coke. Idiot.)
Thu March 31, 2011, 21.12pm: Whenever I buy smokes at a supermarket counter, there's always someone faffing about with lottery tickets or scratch-cards in front of me. I sigh. "What an irrational, desperate exercise in futility that is," I smugly think. Then I realise I'm queuing up to 're-up' for a chronic habit that's slowly causing lasting damage to my body, and reflect that I really shouldn't judge other people's futile habits...
Tue March 29, 2011, 22.23pm: Accosted by two teenage girls on the street: "scuse me can you give us a pound?" - now I'm normally a soft touch, but I was in a rush and suspicious of the authenticity of their cause, so I just muttered a distracted "no, sorry, nothing on me." Stopped to cross the road. They walked back down the street and as they passed one said "liar!"... *sigh*. That's all I've got to say - *sigh*.
Mon March 28, 2011, 17.35pm: Sorry about all the nonsense polls. It's not JUST silliness, it's "satire". But it IS also silliness.
Mon March 28, 2011, 00.45am: I am sorely tempted to go around adding the option of "Dragons" to every facebook poll I see. Pepsi or Cola? DRAGONS. Football or Rugby? DRAGONS.
Sat March 26, 2011, 19.06pm: Is everyone enjoying the "My Starbucks moment" ads on the right there? Look! Aspirational arty types go there to work on their play/book! Young hip students do their coursework there! Ladies "catch up on the goss" there! What do YOU do at Starbucks? I wanted to answer with "Undergo unnecessary neurosurgery performed by robots" but that wasn't one of the options.
Thu March 24, 2011, 00.28am: Just got back from covering John Beddoes meeting about restructuring of schools and sixth form in Powys... all very bitter-sweet familiar from my last year of teaching. Drove back via the A49, the exact route I used to drive every day to and from Ludlow. Got more than a bit misty eyed, thinking about the place and the people. Well, I was tired, y'know? That's what I'm telling myself.
Tue March 22, 2011, 23.55pm: Between-case lawyer banter: Lawyer1 - "I'm just speaking out loud for my own benefit. I expect you're all sick of the sound of my voice." Lawyer2 - "Well, all I'll say is that 'I'm not in a position to offer an opinion on that at present' - if you get my drift!" Lawyer1 - "Oh really? What if I come closer?!" Legal humour - Lawyers crack wise too.
Mon March 21, 2011, 19.48pm: +15 quid for a bag. +6 to select a seat (that you don't realise costs extra until the final break-down). +5 quid for NO F***ING REASON AT ALL (card transaction charge). F***ing air travel.
Sat March 19, 2011, 22.05pm: Rebecca Black - Friday: Yes, it sounds like a reedy robotic drone, most of the lyrics are so devoid of meaningful content she may as well be going "baahbaahbaahbaah", and it's about as relevant to my life as DARK TEUTONIC METAPHYSICS is to hers (to the extent I can barely comprehend what it is and it may aswell have been beamed into my eyes from Betelgeuse)... but it's a nice enough sunny pop ditty, eh?
Sat March 19, 2011, 15.09pm: "The cold's pretty much gone but I still can't breath through my nose when I lie down and I get this tickly cough every time I'm about to drift off." I said. "How on earth do you sleep at night?" said Matt Baker. Next thing I knew it was all over You Tube.
Thu March 17, 2011, 00.40am: Today's whiffle news: Statue of Michael Jackson to be erected outside Fulham's Craven Cottage Stadium. Well, of course. Why WOULDN'T they? Lilly Allen "steps away from fame" by having a reality TV show made about her. Alvin Hall is awesome at teaching. I did a story that referenced the "Cockchafer" today. Which is also known as the May Bug, or "Spang Beetle". That's "Spang Beetle".
Wed March 16, 2011, 00.35am: I feel like Mum-Ra. And not when he gets all buff.
Tue March 15, 2011, 21.24pm: Ill. Have already been ill twice this winter, n that's not including the pretty much constant "I think I'm coming down with something" feeling since Jan. Ridiculous. Sorry, folks not much in the way of "funny" from me tonight. But then there rarely is, if not for the same reasons.
Mon March 14, 2011, 18.19pm: 2 men in matching leather jackets on "Pointless" who go by the names of "Roxx" and "Myth". It's a shame isn't it?
*(Says a man still commonly referred to as "Noise")
Sun March 13, 2011, 14.18pm: Ask Cleverbot! - ME: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF BEING? CB: EXISTING IS ITS OWN MEANING. - Sounds good, but not convinced that's more than a philosophical cop-out platitude. I mean, what does it mean? CB is a moron. So followed up with - ME: WHAT IS EXISTING? CB: NOT A WORD. - Like something straight out of a Zen Koan. Was wrong to doubt the subtle wisdom of CB! At this point I was enlightened.
Sun March 13, 2011, 14.00pm: Ask Cleverbot! - Cleverbot displays weary existential ennui - Me: What’s been happening? CB: Nothing. Me: What do you know? CB: Everything. Me: What have you found out? CB: Peace and universal acceptance. Me: Oh aye? CB: It’s boring.
Sun March 13, 2011, 13.55pm: Ask Cleverbot! - Q: What do think about the Big Society? Cleverbot: I think that they are ok, but I’m not really a cat person. Are you?
Sat March 12, 2011, 12.43 pm: Hangover Saturdays: Saturday should be a busy get-things-done kind of affair; but with the late rise, the grey skies, the hangover and beginnings of a stinking cold, feels more like a listless Sunday. Was going to go up town for a coffee on my tod, but then thought that would be a bit of a shame. Then was going to blow the afternoon caning shorthand, but thought that would be a bit of a shame, too. Listless.
Sat March 12, 2011, 00.33 am: You throw a cigarette butt in the river. Then you feel guilt at the environmental damage you have done. As it floats away, two ducks detach from the bank and follow it before thinking better and turning back. You look out and wonder what the surrounding buildings are for. Some people walk past, doubtless wandering what you have stopped to look at. Just a man, walking home from a night out. Y'know?
Wed March 09, 2011, 21.50 pm: Ledge says he’s too busy to fill out the census. So I said I’d do it, and when I get to his pages I’ll hand it to him to scrawl “I’m too busy” across. But then he offered to fill out his pages in detail explaining for each question that he is too busy to answer it. He also suggested we make another person up and call him “Keith”. Or Mr. Busy.
Tue March 08, 2011, 23.38 pm: I'm giving up on my New Year's resolutions for lent.
Tue March 08, 2011, 18.47 pm: Happy crepe day. I'm giving up vowels for lent. Hppy crp dy.
Sun March 06, 2011, 22.53 pm: "Baby, I've been breaking glass in your room again. Listen! Don't look at the carpet, I drew something awful on it. See! You're such wonderful person, but you've got problems. Oh-oh. I'll never touch you." - Those, ladies and gentlemen, are the lyrics - in their entirety! - to David Bowie's "Breaking Glass" off the album "Low". Er... quite.
Sat March 05, 2011, 17.24 pm: The revolutionary dictatorship principle, as recently illustrated by "the people's" favourite and "fighter of oppression" Muammar "The Colonel" al-Gaddafi: Terms like “oppression” ,“freedom” and “the people” can mean whatever the hell you want them to mean in ideological power politics - as long as you’re happy to ignore the actual suffering of actual individuals you’re actually stomping on…
Thu March 03, 2011, 23.38 pm: The weary ennui of existence: When you take 20 minutes to iron 2 pairs of trousers and then notice as you put them away that they still look as creased as if you hadn't bothered. Your ironing is shit. EVERYTHING IS SHIT! I take this as a sign that I am evidently too superior for such mundane tasks and go back to thinking about moral relativism.
Thu March 03, 2011, 15.05 pm: Modern RnB-tinged chart hits: Oh, Jesus, haven't we had enough of that auto-tune/vocoder-treated warble-voice effect now? Hasn't it been done to death over the past f***ing decade? Please stop it. Also: Too many synthetic hand claps. Music in general has reached synthetic-hand-clap saturation point. If I hear one more synthetic hand clap in place of a snare drum it will be one too many. Thanks.
Tue March 01, 2011, 22.49 pm: Response within 2 seconds of being singled out by a stand-up: 1) Sheer terror 2) Overwhelming urge to come back with interesting response 3) Public pressure to not appear like a dick who thinks he's funny 4) Inability to think 5) Suspicion that answering honestly makes me look like dick anyway 6) Odd mix of embarrassment, joy and shame at having interacted but not interacted better.
*A situation in which you can only come across as either a) boring or b) strange. I think I somehow managed to achieve both.
Mon February 28, 2011, 22.14 pm: Current affairs-inspired song titles - I may have to form a Jazz Fusion outfit just to use these: 1) Dynamic Baby Gymnastics 2) Get Your Nationals Out 3) Brown Moment 4) Global Fiscal Stimulus 5) The Ombudsman 5) Soft Revolution 6) Deepwater Horizons 7) Public Sector Pay Freeze 8) Gender Fluidity 9) The European Commission 10) Churnalism. That's an album!
*Album: "We're In This Together" by Davey C and The Big Society. (Bonus Track: Squeezed Middle)
Sun February 27, 2011, 22.56 pm: Greg Wallace's potato wedges were very nice. Felt I needed to make an effort so arranged them prettily with chicken wings and spring onions in a pleasing symmetrical formation. But it wasn't good enough: Apart from the onions all of it was reddish brown, and I left no room to "smear my jus". Just as well as I hadn't made any "jus", and I wouldn't smear it if I had, not for no-one's money.
Sat February 26, 2011, 18.27 pm: Ledge is amused that I have bought Gregg Wallace potato wedges. Yes, ok, I have been heard calling him and Masterchef co-host John Torode "those two pretentious cocks", but that doesn't mean I hate the man, or won't eat his food. They were on offer and they looked nice. But Ledge insists I only bought them because they had Wallace's beaming mug on them. I will not rise to this.
*Ok. It was Wallace's beaming mug. His grinning mush was, in Wallace's own words, "like a warm cuddle".
Fri February 25, 2011, 18.26 pm: I love how everyone insists on referring to the new "High Speed Two" rail link between London and the North as "HS2", even though, while an abbreviation on paper, it's exactly the same amount of syllables when you say it. Still folks go for that whole numbers and letters thing - makes it sound modern and technological, like a games console or a film sequel. Folks go for that.
Thu February 24, 2011, 17.22 pm: What we didn't learn in Court Reporting: Is "Judge Judy" legally recognised as a court of law? I'm not totally sure it follows proper procedure, y'know...
Wed February 23, 2011, 23.35 pm: Yeah, go on, explain the joke - that’ll make it funnier: I find that women still resist swooning appropriately at my wit and charm, even when I give them proper instruction on why I am witty and charming. This continues to baffle me.
Tue February 22, 2011, 20.28 pm: Members vote to allow planning permission, against recommendations, but can't give a valid reason why... Chair will not pass vote without a valid reason to flunk the rules... No one will agree to defer to a later date... "What do we do now?" says someone. Uncharted waters - Very real possibility that we will all now just have to sit here and rot for the rest of time. Never imagined I would die this way.
Mon February 21, 2011, 17.47 pm: Early signs of middle-age: "When you go from looking at people your own age with with a baby and thinking 'aw, man, you really f***ed up your youth' to looking at people your own age with a baby and thinking 'aw, man, I really fucked up my youth'." - Pip said it not me, but Jesus, there's kind of something in that. No, I am not getting broody. But there's still kind of something in that.
* "Functioning-adult" inadequacy... The consistency of my cuss-word censorship is also inadequate...
Sun February 20, 2011, 1.45 am: Tonight's Million Pound Drop sprung this choice on one feckless pair: Lunch or Dragons? Yes, that's LUNCH... or DRAGONS. A dilemma we all face every day, I'm sure you agree.
Thu February 17, 2011, 18.03 pm: Thomas is listening to "Public Sector Pay-Freeze (part 2)" by Davey C and the Big Society.
Sun February 13, 2011, 23.36 pm: Annual Valentines Day response: 2009 - head threatened to explode in violent bile and hatred; 2010 - got all misty-eyed with wistful contemplations on the nature of love; this year - a shrug of the shoulders and “meh”. Valentines Day is about as relevant to my life as World Streetdance Day: Other people’s bullshit for other people to deal with. I’m happy for them - but "not interested".
Sat February 12, 2011, 14.30 pm: Note: Massively esoteric current-affairs puns, made in a near-impossible-to-pick-up-on fashion are not the comedy gold you might think they are: they are actually completely pointless. You would do well to remember this in future.
Fri February 11, 2011, 18.27 pm: Thomas is listening to "Step Down Street Party" by Hosni and the Soft Revolution.
Tue February 08, 2011, 22.22 pm: Me: "You know, my wit is very important to me..." Pip: "Yeah. It's not as important to us."
Mon February 07, 2011, 22.44 pm: Power of teh interwebs: Intrigued by the discordant guitar stabs filtering through the wall, I fed google what I could make out of the words (the charming refrain: "Kill him, already, kill him") saw a YouTube result for Shellac's "Prayer to God", presumed it was that, and it was. I may have a bleak sense of humour, but I found the song pretty funny, in a puerile, tongue-in-cheek kind of way.
Sat February 05, 2011, 14.17 pm: "You can tell a lot about someone by their shoes" some say, turning their nose up at your scuffed and shabby sneakers. Maybe. You can also tell a lot about someone by the fact that they think they can tell a lot about someone by their shoes - ie that they're overly impressed with superficial appearances and make glib unwarranted assumptions about people. I think "touché" is the word you're looking for.
Thu February 03, 2011, 18.55 pm: Brain melting: "The viscosity of one's brain is inversely proportional to the viscosity of the material you are contemplating." - I was, tragically, quite proud at having come up with that. Think about it - it works. (Note: Brains do not actually melt when thinking. It is a METAPHOR. A METAPHOR.)
Tue February 01, 2011, 21.07 pm: "The wearing of two coats layered is hot news." says The Guardian's G2 Style Briefing. Damn straight! I've been doing it for years, darlings. And "You should probably cut down on the wearing-five-layers thing," said Ledge. Oh? I don't bow to fashion, fashion bows to me! (for a brief moment every once in a while if I wait long enough).
Sun January 30, 2011, 20.04 pm: Scientist: "But it hasn't been tested! I can't guarantee..." Scary man pointing gun: "I can't guarantee THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY! Turn it on!" ...Ah, yes, the old movie clichés are the best. Remind me, though, next time someone starts a sentence with "I can't guarantee..." to shout back at them "I can't guarantee THE SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY!" - just to see how they react.
Sat January 29, 2011, 15.58 pm: "What exactly is the appeal of Facebook?" asked my non-FB-using friend the other day, "All I ever hear about it is that it provides a platform for people to be cocks on." I was about to answer, and then, alarmingly, had to pause for some serious thought... 'cause, honestly, I couldn't really disagree with his summation...
(I use it because it provides me with a platform for me to be a cock on.)
Wed January 26, 2011, 22.12 pm: Habit dictates that when I ask for something in a shop I either "blahblahblah, please" or "blahblahblah, cheers". But every once in a while I will get confused and say "blahblahblah, CHEESE". Which is kind of embarrassing. Then, occasionally will audibly hear myself say "blahblahblah, jizz" quite unintentionally. Have not so far said "plears", but that'd be ok, 'cos it'd just sound like I was posh.
Wed January 26, 2011, 00.35 am: Economic contraction shock!: How? How is this a shock to anyone exactly? The last 3-4months have been nothing but doom and gloom - all looming cuts and AGE OF AUSTERITY, slashed benefits, unemployment, bust businesses, the "big freeze", spiralling fuel costs, high inflation, tax rises and deficit, deficit, deficit... I mean was all this supposed to get people happily spending money again?
("...Wood for the trees" leaps, like a spring gazelle, to the lips.)
Mon January 24, 2011, 17.52 pm: "Life is just a slow, gentle and very productive form of combustion" - a Chemists view.
Sun January 23, 2011, 14.53 pm: Couldn't help but grin at overhearing the slick, charming pick-up routine that two fellas used on two ladies next to me at the bar get swiftly dismissed and end in stone walled awkwardness... makes you feel better about not bothering yourself. Still, got to admire that kind of direct, brazen approach - While, of course, I'd never be so gauche, I'd also just not have the balls.
Fri January 21, 2011, 19.01 pm: Listening to Balls try'n make it sound convincing that he spontaneously started agreeing with Miliband about cuts n that, un-coerced. Yes, of course, Balls. What a load of balls, Balls. Frankly I don't give two hoots whether the Shadow Cabinet are "all on the same page", I just want to see Balls give Osborne some shit. Some serious shit. Bring it.
Tue January 18, 2011, 20.35 pm: I took a tour of the new profile. It told me that horrible and embarrassing pictures people tagged of you will now be the first thing folks see on your profile, then demanded a bunch of personal details. I responded by deleting some personal info so there's less than there ever has been. F*** you, Facebook.
Mon January 17, 2011, 17.45 pm: Adorable Puppy Items: My toilet paper wants me to collect "puppy points" to go on "active days out" and get "adorable puppy items". Which is a kind offer, and I don't mean to be crude, but really I just wanted something to wipe my azz with. Ahem.
Mon January 17, 2011, 00.38 pm: High barnett, low word-count: Supposed to be writing, but it's late now and I'm feeling a bit flat. Unlike my hair, which is looking increasingly '80s bouffant comb-back - don't stare, circumstances have (again) just arranged it that way and I'm cutting the damn stuff tomorrow.
Thu January 13, 2011, 23.56 pm: The European Council should not be confused with the Council of the European Union, and the Council of Europe is something else entirely... Public affairs revision: Am I weeping, or is that my melted brain seeping out through my eyes?
Wed January 12, 2011, 23.03 pm: This week, every time I have something to gripe about I will add the suffix "...but it's ok, because I have the POWER OF RIGHTEOUSNESS on my side." - for no other reason than that it makes me chuckle in my kidneys.
Wed January 12, 2011, 00.56 am: "In the next few days, you'll be upgraded to the new profile, which offers to get rid of the status update you deliberately put at the top of your page and replace it with personal information and pictures that you don't want there... ahem, I mean offers you more ways to show and tell your story. For US to show and tell your story that is, not you." Thanks for that Facebook. Told you they'd force me eventually.
Mon January 10, 2011, 01.36 am: WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT ~1: Sherbet can be messy, with or without a liquorice dipping rod. This is what I have found out today.*
(*WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT ~2: Grown men should probably not be eating Sherbet Fountains. It is undignified. [Well, y'know, it was just lying about. Not going to eat itself.])
Sun January 09, 2011, 17.02 pm: Drove past a Cartridge World car which said "CARTRIDGE WORLD - Think about it". I thought about it, but even so couldn't work out, by the power of pure thought alone, what they wanted me think about.
Sat January 08, 2011, 17.10 pm: That strange New Year feeling: Time to knuckle down again and get on with things, I guess. "This could be the year stuff turns around for me and works out!" I think; but I say that every year, and a week in you realise life just kinda goes on as normal. Every New Year seems full of promising possibilities, but the problem with promising possibilities is that they disappear as things actually play out...
Tue January 04, 2011, 23.53 pm: Signs that you're not quite firing on all cylinders today: When going for a smoke you step outside, fumble for the matches, strike one, hold it up to your lips - only to get that odd confused feeling that something SIMPLY ISN'T RIGHT with this scenario... as you re-engage out of autopilot to find yourself pouting at lighted match with no cigarette in your mouth. What a knob.
Sat January 01, 2011, 16.29 pm: If anyone has seen my 2010 please let me know - I'm sure I went out with it last night, but I seem to have come home with this "2011" thing.
Sat January 01, 2011, 6.05 am: Yeah, Happy New Years (that's years, plural) and all that jazz... I am up later than you were. Light weight.
Fri December 31, 2010, 16.38 pm: Sheesh - CRAZY insomnia last night. At 7.30am, without a single minute's sleep, got up, pottered around house in dressing gown, had an apple and cigarette (decided against coffee), greeted the dawn like a bleary-eyed Buddha. Felt fine, full of energy. Then slept most of the day, now feel sluggish as a shell-less snail, gritty as a Ken Loach film and groggy as a pissed-up pirate, fresh for New Year's Eve. Huzzah.
Wed December 29, 2010, 19.33 pm: Halfway through shuffling around Tesco's, I stumbled upon an aisle called "Meal Solutions". Yes. "SOLUTIONS". Having already got a basket full of possible solutions to my meal-based problems, (ie. food) I passed it by. But I think I chuckled out loud, which possibly made me look like a freak, laughing at supermarket signs...
Mon December 27, 2010, 20.33 pm: L: "It's all melting, look. It's like one of those films where all the snow melts." N: "Mmm. Or like real life, when all the snow melts." L: "No, you know, one of those films where everything's dead and the snow queen dies and it all melts." N: "Oh yeah, one of THOSE films." L (getting frustrated): "Well, isn't it a legend, or Narnia or something?" N: "It is. A legend or Narnia or something."
Sat December 25, 2010, 19.28 pm: I do trust that we are all achieving our 2010 targets for sustained yuletide enjoyment.
Fri December 24, 2010, 17.38 pm: "Tiiiiiiis the seeeeeason, there's always Coca Colaaaaaaah!" - did that line in the ad used to make anyone else cringe? No? Just me then? *Shakes head* ...Well, it's here. Wrapping presents and grinning like a loon. Merry bobbins n that, folks.
Fri December 24, 2010, 16.06 pm: Who'd've thought the ideal soundtrack to weaving through the traffic on that final Christmas Eve afternoon shopping jaunt would be... a bit of Gary Numan. Excellent. Futuristic Synth Christmas.
Thu December 23, 2010, 00.04 am: I wonder how long it'll be before facebook forces me to adopt the new-look profile. The one reason why I haven't yet - statuses do not appear at the top. Shakes head. Shakes head indeed.
Mon December 20, 2010, 23.38 pm: "Informer, you know say daddy me snow, me a-go blame. A licky boom boom down." Well, yes. I'm sure this line is supposed to convey some kind of sense, but no matter how much I look at it, I just can't see it.
Sat December 18, 2010, 15.46 pm: "The window curtain ghost! Froze my heart and dust my throat..." - Beefheart is dead. Well, he'd been ill for a good two decades, but still makes me sad - are there any of my old heroes still left alive?... Actually, yes, yes there are. But Beefheart is dead.
Tue December 14, 2010, 15.00 pm: This week, I will be responding to anything anyone says by starting every sentence with "As Proust put it so well..." before just saying what I was going to say and failing to quote Proust - as part of my ongoing bid to A) sound like the most pretentious man on the planet and B) baffle everyone.
Mon December 13, 2010, 18.29 pm: Advertising BS detector: "Tough" dancing - the VW Polo is "tough and beautiful", just like those people's dancing, look. When I think of small VW cars, "urban tango" is, of course, what naturlly springs to mind, of course. This advert annoys The Ledge, which amuses me. "Who dances like that?" He says, "That's not tough" - I do, Ledge. My dancing is tough and beautiful.
Sun December 12, 2010, 19.34 pm: Another rare exposure to the Factor last night, which I didn't begrudge since it's diverting to "watch to hate" now and again. By the finals it really has become one massive promotional excercise, one big music-industry advertisment, hasn't it? A bit like those "advert feature" pages in magazines. One True Voice (I will be stickng to calling them that) will win because they will make the most money. Simple as that.
Fri December 10, 2010, 21.58 pm: Heat wave! Phew! What a scorcher. Like Barbados out there - Just strode down the street, all loose of limb, without going into a clenched huddle. Didn't even wear my gloves and my hands didn't even hurt. Got in my car, started it and went, no scraping or nuffin. In such a good mood I even initiated pleasant banter with a shop assistant. I have so much love for temperatures above zero right now...
Thu December 09, 2010, 00.12 am: 5431 - Haven't seen much of you since you became President of the USA. Bad luck on the the mid-term elections. I miss playing twister with you, Putin and Sarkozy. I don't have your Buffy box-set anymore, I lent it to Stephen Hawking. Remember that time we shared a sleeping bag with Lady Gaga at Everest base camp? Happy days.
Tue December 07, 2010, 23.38 pm: Was just accosted by an ad saying "Be Naughty on Facebook: Feeling Naughty?" And there was only a "Yes" button. I feel a bit soiled. No, facebook, no I don't really, not right now - I've got a stinking cold and I'm tired. And anyway, if I was feeling "naughty" it's none of your damn business and I sure as hell wouldn't be doing anything about it over facebook. Try Jason Manford.
Sun December 05, 2010, 15.08 pm: This week, whenever someone tells me about something that is really popular, successful and good, I will be responding with "Oh, yeah, the punters go for that..." - as part of my ongoing bid to sound like the most cynical, patronising and obnoxious man on the planet.
Thu December 02, 2010, 23.28 pm: What I hate about winter: 1) The cold. 2) The dark. 3) Being cold, in the dark. 4) Getting up in the cold and dark. 5) De-icing your car in the cold and dark. 6) Driving home from work in the dark... cold. 7) Everything being still and dead and cold and dark. 8) People telling you snow is "fun", whilst you're cold, and it's dark... have you spotted a theme yet?
Wed December 01, 2010, 22.02 pm: November is barely even cold in its grave and everyone is shaving off the face furniture. How disappointing, you fickle, fly-by-night, lightweight, fairweather moustache Judases, you.
Tue November 30, 2010, 18.51 pm: "Hyper-drive back online. Let's crank this baby up and see what she can do..." That was a cringesomely tragic use of sci-fi metaphor to refer to the boiler in my house, as if "cranking it up" is going to enable faster-than light travel to another galaxy, as opposed to simply make things a bit warmer. I feel a bit embarrassed that I said it now.
Mon November 29, 2010, 21.06 pm: Day 5 Report 2: Covered myself in seal fat and headed for the kitchen in a makeshift canoe. Evidence that Innuits had been there, but no food. Cut a hole in the ice to fish. No luck. Canoe became trapped in pack ice, had to return up stairs on ski. Ledge, snowblind and frostbitten, went out into the blizzard earlier with the words "I am just going to my room. I may be some time." He did not return.
Mon November 29, 2010, 19.15 pm: Day 5 Report: House is now like a series of airlocked chambers, only one or two of which are warm... ish. Have to remember to put your coat on the leave the room. Downstairs is a pretty bleak and desolate place - not venturing down there unless I need to. Is interfering a bit with... well, doing anything. So far just about resisting the urge to hibernate. Oh, but it looks pretty outside, woo-hoo.
Sun November 28, 2010, 1.34 am: Never thought that a small portable heater could make me so happy. Occasionally I will stick my face next to it and grin like a loon. Who knew moods were so dependent on simple temperature? This thing is not leaving my side. Ever.
Sat November 27, 2010, 15.21 pm: Oh, the snow. What "fun". Yes, it's "fun". We're having "fun". I'm cold.
Fri November 26, 2010, 22.28 pm: Reports: 3rd night in a row with no heating/hot water. It's f***ing brass monkeys. Inadvisable to take coat off. Inadvisable to stop moving around. Ledge n Anna have given up and gone to bed already, for warmth - before 10pm on a Friday night, for Moses sakes. Have spent some time standing by the open oven. This MOUSE is freezing. Dissatisfied with these circumstances... actually, a bit f***ing cross, y'know?
Thu November 25, 2010, 23.37 pm: I am about to have a "shath". No that's not rude. I'm running a bath using the shower (I decided on "shath" because having a "bower" sounded a bit scary). I have my reasons for this, but I won't tell you why; it's a long story and besides, I don't have to justify myself to the likes of you.
Wed November 24, 2010, 22.17 pm: Note to self: Try to avoid sounding like the Black Eyed Peas in your status updates.
Tue November 23, 2010, 14.19 pm: "I'm high maintenance": Not sure when this became a proud boast rather than a sorry admission, since it does kind of translate as: "I'm shallow, greedy, self-obsessed and fickle". Y'know, not massively attractive; not the most warm, sexy, romantic pose you could be throwing out there, y'know? I dunno. Where's the romance in this rotten world?
Sun November 21, 2010, 15.54 pm: The Sunday afternoon routine: Get up in the pm. Be disgruntled about wasting the morning. Look at what you've got to get done today. Coffee and a cigarette. Think about going up town for a look about and a coffee later. Waste an hour on the internets. Have 'breakfast'. Piddle about with laundry. Have a bath. Have a look at facebook... oh too late to go up town now really. Getting dark. Have done nothing.
Sat November 20, 2010, 22.41 pm: Experiences of X-Factor 2010 thus far: Post-Gamugate I have seen only this: James me made sit through the Halloween special, including Thriller performed, to my uncomprehending bafflement, as an emotional power ballad. Today turned on to a wide-shot of the four Judges regally surveying a show-bizzed version of a Beatles song. Had to scrabble for the buttons before my teeth ground to dust and head exploded in rage.
Fri November 19, 2010, 19.50 pm: The Ledge's doom on Children in Need: "What they should do is, at the end have Cameron and Clegg come on and take away 25%... well, it's tough economic times." I'm still trying to work out exactly why he said this.
Wed November 17, 2010, 20.28 pm: Really not sure what is going on with my constitution. Feel fine if I don't eat, but then I eat, and it's a couple of hours of serious URGH. Is this a bug, or aggravated Yakult deficiency? I promise to re-asses my neglectful stance towards pro-biotic yoghurts. If I had one I'd take it. Probably wouldn't do anything though.
Tues November 16, 2010, 18.28 pm: Am extremely achy and tired, faintly nauseous, and a bit headswim. I think I might be ill - that or I'm experiencing the first rising vibes of an acid frenzy that I didn't know I was taking.
Sun November 14, 2010, 21.25 pm: Masterchef The Professionals - Michelin (that's mee-shall-on) star cooking. You will never cook this yourself, nor will you ever eat it on a regular enough basis to become a connoisseur - but still you sit there nodding along, grave of face "oh, yes, that's too many ingredients on a plate; oh, of course, the lime and coriander jus is too overpowering for that dish" - as if you know f***ing anything about it.
Wed November 10, 2010, 23.52 pm: 5 Pick-Up Moves That Really Work (as long as she likes the look of you - if she doesn't, any interest whatsoever will be labelled tragic and/or creepy regardless): 1. Don't be a total prick; 2. Don't be a total prick; 3. Don't be a total prick; 4. Don't be a total prick; 5. Actually, be a total prick, they always seem to get the girls.
Tue November 9, 2010, 19.44 pm: The composition of The House of Lords*: 662 Life Peers + 91 Hereditary Peers = 713 LORDS TEMPORAL. Lords Temporal can travel through time. Also, there are 25 LORDS SPIRITUAL. Lords Spiritual are ghosts. (*Some of this information may be inaccurate.)
Mon November 8, 2010, 16.13 pm: At one point, me and The Ledge were both standing in the kitchen scoffing huge bags of onion rings, bought independently from different shops, like a male version of synchronised menstruation cycles. Up next: Sitting in the lounge in identical thermal body-stockings. Well, Ledge keeps threatening to buy one, and with the constant teeth-vibrating temperature in this house I'm scarily drawn to the idea myself.
Sat November 6, 2010, 16.40 pm: They just used the word "crisp" (5 times in 2 minutes) to describe a room in Grand Designs. I'm looking around my lounge now. It's not very "crisp".
(It's "soggy".)
Sat November 6, 2010, 00.11 am: Broadband at the folks' place is down. But the man at TalkTalk head office couldn't tell Dad how long it would be before he could get through to someone who could tell him how long it would be before he could access the "customer feedback" email they'd sent him to tell them they were shit.
Tue November 2, 2010, 20.43 pm: "Did you know that if you type 20p into a well-known search engine, the fourth result it offers up are stories related to this very newspaper?" gloats Simon Kelner, editor of 'i'. That's nice Simon; but do you know what happens if you type i into a well-known search engine? You realise you've chosen a search-engine proof name for your new 'internet-generation' paper, that's what.
Mon November 1, 2010, 17.27 pm: All these updates about my new phone may lead some to believe that there's nothing much exciting or interesting happening in my life. Well, I assure that's... mmn. Actually pretty accurate, really. I mean I COULD tell you about how my law revision is going, but who wants to hear about that? I've got TEXT AUTO REFLOW on this device. Have you got TEXT AUTO REFLOW? Eh?
Sun October 31, 2010, 14.02 pm: Should warn folks that, if you put your mobile number in your facebook info, my phone's facebook-auto-sync thing automatically put's it in my phone book. Together with my tendency to accidentally select things as I swoosh around, the possibility of me randomly calling people I have no business calling is now disquietingly real. I sense impending social embarrassment.
Fri October 29, 2010, 15.10 pm: It's my birthday! (It's not my birthday). Yes. There is now something very wrong with the world - I have a touch screen phone. WHAT? Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... well, as soon as I've waited 3 hours for the damn thing to charge.
Mon October 25, 2010, 21.45 pm: Thomas Cleans Up #2: I hit upon a revolutionary idea: What if I take a couple of hours each week to attack a little bit at a time? And - Imagine this! - What if I DON'T STOP, and carry this principle to the rest of the house - forever? Imagine what could be accomplished! Then I realised this was called DOING REGULAR HOUSE WORK, and my mind was blown - I had gained insight into the lives of normal human beings.
Mon October 25, 2010, 21.29 pm: Thomas Cleans Up #1: 2 hrs and 3 full binbags after attacking the months-neglected floor-space devouring piles, I retreated to ponder the increasingly apparent problematics of my endeavour. "This isn't one task - it is many. There's the sorting and sifting of the piles, yes - but also the question of shelf space; sundry surfaces to be rationalised; the dust issue; items to be washed; the carpet..." I grew pensive.
Sat October 23, 2010, 17.00 pm: You want to take some snackfood with you for the day, but only have a large bag of dry roasted peanuts. Mid-morning you open this up to take a swig or two, folding the top and placing it carefully in your bag so as not to spill any. Later, you open your bag to discover everything in a sea of loose dry-roasted peanuts. This causes you to experience feelings of sadness.
Tue October 19, 2010, 19.24 pm: Was quite surprisingly taken with the girl behind the Oswestry Orthopaedic Hospital pharmacy counter today. But then, even the most charming and effervescent 2 minute discussion on how and when to take one's medication does not seamlessly flow into "So, hey, do you want to get a coffee sometime?"... so I said "Thank you. Bye." instead. But I said it in a charming and effervescent way. Sigh.
Sun October 17, 2010, 15.25 pm: Don't turn on the TV, Thomas... Soap omnibi. Technicolour credits of some 1950s historical epic. Aw, man, it's all a bit Sunday today, isn't it?
Sat October 16, 2010, 00:25 pm: If I hear the words SPENDING REVIEW one more SPENDING REVIEW time, I think I might SPENDING REVIEW... well, get very tired of SPENDING REVIEW those words SPENDING REVIEW indeed. Which since SPENDING REVIEW that's all that's going to be SPENDING REVIEW in the news next week, is pretty SPENDING REVIEW likely - can we agree to just call it "the CSR" from now on? SPENDING REVIEW.
Wed October 13, 2010, 22.45 pm: Well, I was wrong. 2 nibs, a film review, and an interview leading to a 1,000 word feature article (that in fairness, may have to be edited some). Not bad for a first day. But I did make the tea. Once, anyway.
Wed October 13, 2010, 00.21 am: "New guy in the workplace" apprehension: I think tomorrow I will mostly be making tea. Sigh. I commanded classes once... (ok, "commanded" may not be quite the right term...)
Sun October 10, 2010, 23.54 pm: Taking in the Facebook movie, it's only proper I should Facebook people about it on Facebook. Facebook suddenly looks less frivolous, faddy and familiar and more like something slightly out of control; on an unknown trajectory from a bloody birth of obsessive ambition, feeding frenzy chaos and casualty-strewn disputes... feel almost sullied using it, now. But the film is excellent - exactly what I hoped it'd be.
Sun October 10, 2010, 12.55 pm: Gamugate: The bizarre but wonderful prospect of helium-headed, Heat-reading, gossip-junky X-factor fans having to gen up on Zimbabwean political affairs and the intricacies of UK immigration bureaucracy. Awesome.
Sat October 09, 2010, 00.50 am: 'Like' watch #2: Today's most disingenuous 'like' - "I don't hate you. I NOTHING you. Hate implies that I actually think about you". That's right, I care so little and think about you so rarely that I spend my time creating facebook 'like' pages about my feelings towards you. Just to prove this is the case, you understand...
Thu October 07, 2010, 23.20 pm: Alarmed at the "advice" being bandied around by needy romantics on these "like" pages: "If a girl looks sad....the best thing you can do no matter what is hug her". NO MATTER WHAT?! I assure you, "... but she looked a bit sad" is not going to carry much weight in that ensuing sexual harassment case.
Thu October 07, 2010, 15.40 pm: Must remember to build 15-20 mins "getting lost" time into any long journey that involves negotiating a sloppily sign-posted city (ie. all of them): A wrong turn ALWAYS happens, at least once (I mean really, signs saying simply "through-traffic" are not that much help - through to where? On what road?). I did, and it did, but it was ok because I had. And a good job too, or I'd have been embarrassingly early.
Wed October 06, 2010, 00.54 am: THE NEWS doesn't sleep, and neither does Thomas.
Mon October 04, 2010, 18.40 pm: My gods, does X factor continue to horrify... (let me answer that for you: Yes. Yes it does). I don't even know what that show thinks it IS any more - what's all this "homes of the rich and famous" and "cool young hopefuls play with wildlife" business? Not that I watched it of course, I intuited such with my omniscient psychic abilities. Of course.
Mon October 04, 2010, 18.01 pm: Synth/age concern: One key on the MS20 is out of tune; the LED screen on the JX8P has suddenly packed in; my hair is getting extremely thin at the front. I suppose you've got to expect such - these things were made in the late '70s/early 80's, after all.
Sat October 02, 2010, 19.53 pm: Coca-cola ad: "Tired out from the football?" (bloke enters) "Exhausted from shopping?" (girl enters)... man alive, Coke, haven't seen such empty, unimaginative gender stereotyping for a long while. Well done. Aren't you aware it's the 1990's now?
Fri October 01, 2010, 17.13 pm: "What have you done to prepare to enter the world of Journalism?": Well, I've got a piece of card, written "PRESS" on it and bought a fedora to stick it in. I've also practised saying "Stop the press!" and "Hold the phone!" in a New York accent. That about covers it, doesn't it?
Wed September 29, 2010, 20.36 pm: Had the "pleasure" of getting in and finding Home and Away on the telly today, and it struck me for the first time ever (well, since I was 14 at least): Why is it called that? Might seem like a silly pedantic question, but the the question is now haunting me, like that "What's hidden in an empty box" fortune cookie gem - why would ANYONE come up with that as a name for a soap?
Sun September 26, 2010, 19.01 pm: Only just started, but already getting the idea that getting shorthand up to 100wpm is going to break my balls and give me repetitive strain injury. It's apparently such a fine-honed skill that the TYPE OF PEN and TYPE OF PAPER can be critically important for your speed... presumably NOT HAVING ARTHRITICY HANDS might help, too. Oh dear. Oh dear me.
Fri September 24, 2010, 19.26 pm: Spider Saga pt.4: Worry no more, dear reader: Spider returned, rested and healthy, with a big fat fly supper to boot; Ledge averted bin-day apocalypse by a skilfully engineered web-relocation programme that all happened whilst I slept. And everyone lived happily ever after, hooray. Bored of spider-related updates now, not convinced there's enough material here for a great novel. ie. No car chases. Yet.
Fri September 24, 2010, 1.17 am: Spider Saga pt.3: Strange and sinister developments... observed smaller spider spin a thread to the centre of spider's web, resulting in minor altercation; later 2 smaller spiders were building webs onto our hero's web, whilst our hero attempted to fend them off. Later again... our hero was gone! Having invested in spider's plight, am disturbed. Have they killed him/her/it? Or was it, in fact, spider sexy-time?
Wed September 22, 2010, 12.37 pm: Spider Saga pt.2: ...Then spider decided to forego that hard-won wisdom and rebuild the web across the door again. *Sigh*. I didn't have the heart to destroy it a second time, so it's still there for now; but come Bin-Day of Doom, I will have to. To spider I must be like great cruel Zeus, whose wrath doth sweep away cities... spider could never understand that I simply wish to get to my bin.
Tue September 21, 2010, 22.36 pm: Spider Saga pt.1: In a tragic fluke of naive misjudgement, built it's web across my back door. With sad-eyed pity, I carefully plucked the strands of one side and attempted to re-attach it at an angle so I could pass: but, alas! Web wilted and was gone later. Next day, observed spider building a new one at said angle to allow passage - spider had learnt! I was heartened for the plight of spider.
Mon September 20, 2010, 13.50 pm: Today's most popular google.co.uk searches under letters of the alphabet: argos; bbc; currys; debenhams; ebay; facebook; google maps; hotmail; ikea; john lewis; klm; lotto; msn; next; o2; paypal; quidco; rightmove; sky; tesco; utube; vodaphone; weather; xe; youtube; zara. "Hmmm..." for the day: What does this tell us about our society's obsessions?
Sat September 18, 2010, 21.42 pm: The Ledge, for reasons clear only to himself, bought TWO bags of shallots, more than he's likely to get through before they go fungal. He has since been trying to palm shallots off on me. I have no use for shallots. But it was his birthday this week, so I bought him... another bag of shallots. Now we have alot of shallots. Ahem. Sorry - SHALLOT of shallots. Har har. Anyone want any shallots?
Wed September 15, 2010, 14.19 pm: You have caned someone else's superior-quality coffee almost single handedly. You feel you'd better replace it, like for like: Gold Blend simply will not do. Surveying the options, you settle on Kenco Columbian, which is "balanced and fruity"; though you are not sure how terms such as "balanced" and "fruity" are relevant to instant coffee, and suspect you may be in the presence of superior-quality Bulls***.
Mon September 13, 2010, 14.39 pm: As of today, and for the foreseeable future, I am NO LONGER A TEACHER. That, as Mr. B. Bunny* put it so well, is all, folks.
(*Mr B. Bunny never said such a thing. It was Mr. P. Pig.)
Mon September 13, 2010, 00.21 am: Rumours of my marriage and parenthood have been exaggerated... Just became aware that the last update, combined with current profile pic, may have led to believe I've been through a whirlwind pregnancy-and-engagement scenario... Fear not, fans, I'm still the barren, solitary oddball I always was (if slightly softened by events in the lives of my nearest n dearest). Not a functional human adult yet (*sniff*)...
Fri September 10, 2010, 14.04 pm: Big life events going on around me #2: Wedding hi-jinks... "reading" written... waist-coat dry-cleaned... "snazzy" shirt ironed... on route to Dorset with an overnight bag, a camera, a bunch of bananas, a Ledge and a copy of Alain de Botton's Consolations of Philosophy.
Tue September 07, 2010, 00.47 am: Well, he always did like to throw around platitudes about God, but really: No one wants or needs Stephen Hawking to start weighing in on theology debates. Give it a rest, Stephen, let the physics speak for itself and people make up their own minds - they will anyway. Tsk. Amateurs.
Mon September 06, 2010, 00.01 am: Familiarise yourself with the Cabinet: Michael Gove (Education) is that guy with the little-girl's pouty mouth. Liam Fox (Defence) always looks slightly troubled, presumably because these are troubled times. William Hague is not gay, but he is Foreign Secretary. The Baroness Warsi is "Minister Without Portfolio". Why hasn't she got a portfolio? Maybe she should work on building one up, y'know?
Fri September 03, 2010, 00.50 am: I want to welcome Untitled McKinnon #1 to the world, but, really, some events are too big for facebook status updates, so I will say no more. Hello, Bergerac.
Wed September 01, 2010, 22.33 pm: I split lemon barley squash on my computer keyboard. What '80s movies tell me will happen next: Keyboard will go "fzz", screen will go "bzzzyooooo..." and die, computer will burst into flames. What does happen next: Nothing. Keyboard still works fine. Conclusion: 1) Computers in the 80's were much more unstable; or, 2) '80s movies lie.
Tue August 31, 2010, 00.11 am: Intolerable vibes this God-forsaken Monday midnight. Or Tuesday now. You ever get in that mood where you simply can't relax and shut down? You're all pensive tension and vague worry for NO IDENTIFIABLE REASON? No? Just me then. It's probably due to the "condemned-man" downer that accompanies knowing I have only one day of holiday left... bummer.
Mon August 30, 2010, 02.16 am: Oooooh. Oh Woooooe! Oh Dooooom! Yes, it's dark by 9.30 and I am once again swathed in 3 layers of protection against the cruel world by the evening... Weep for the Summer: No more kicking about the house in vest and pants for me - Autumn has come to stand inappropriately close, with no regard for my personal space again.
Fri August 27, 2010, 14.06 pm: Searching for a dongle amongst peripherals I discovered technology that I didn't even know existed. Damn, this stuff is moving on fast. Surely it's only weeks before we get portable broadband access dongles we can slot directly into our eyeballs.
Fri August 27, 2010, 00.25 am: The Expendables: Not so much a story as a series of vignettes about absurdly macho men who aren't so much characters as pairings of characteristics: Wrestling n therapy guy; knives n girlfriend guy etc... topped with an extended fighty-fighty blowy-uppy set piece that appears to impart very little information as to why, exactly, all these people did the stuff they did. Obviously too high-brow for me: Over my head.
Tue August 24, 2010, 23.44 pm: So much "self-depreciation" issues from my mouth that I halve in value every year.
Mon August 23, 2010, 13.08 pm: Ledge suggested a "morning routine" to wake up and get you punching the air and saying "whoo!" to the new day: Star jumps > face in a sink of ice water > running on the spot > face in icy water > squat thrusts > face in icy water etc, etc. I suggested we do this together, relay style, and high five as we pass each other in the bathroom; the Ledge refused on grounds of hygiene.
Sat August 21, 2010, 19.31 pm: Gone almost a whole week without a status update, which must be some kind of record. Must have been a blessed relief for you all not to have my oddball whitterings clogging up your News Feed... well ruined that. Two things: 1) I am currently very amused by the term "fun biscuits" and am using it wherever possible. 2) I must go n feed kizzy-cat. Bye.
Mon August 16, 2010, 23.27 pm: I thought I'd be decadent and use TWO types of cheese on my cheese-on-toast. "They'll call me Tommy Two-Cheeses," I thought, "that's what they'll call me." Then to my horror I noticed my second cheese was two months out of date and mouldy. Ah, ain't that just always the way. Me and my ill-conceived aspirations. Tommy One-Cheese.
Sat August 14, 2010, 15.56 pm: If I put on a green body-stocking, staple cardboard petals round my face, saunter down to the Quarry in Shrewsbury and tell them I'm a flower, do you think they'll let me in for free?
Fri August 13, 2010, 18.08 pm: Feeling a bit fed up. Let's see what's on telly... Catty-dregs-fighting-over-money gameshow; Yuppie property-I-will-never-own show; Yuppie food-I-will-never-eat show; Makeover show; Soap; Catty-dregs-fighting-over-money reality show; Soap; Gameshow; Yuppie property-I-will-never-own show. Oh good. Now I'm properly depressed.
Thu August 12, 2010, 22.44 pm: When I was a kid I'd sneer and yuk at sickly-sweet girly-girls toys with all the bile and vitriol of any standard boy. But here's a thing: If it was an ANIMAL toy I would then feel a little guilty at having done so. Not with human-form toys, mind, only with animal toys. Not sure what to make of this fact - or what I expect YOU to make of this fact - 'cept that I've always been slightly conflicted. And quite weird.
Wed August 11, 2010, 14.28 pm: Some days, the first nasty coffee of the day is craved after from the moment you wake and cradles you like a tender motherly embrace; Today, the first nasty coffee of the day just tasted nasty, this sickly chemical fluid - and why you drink it baffles you. A deep metaphor in there somewhere about how ephemeral, elusive and changeable one's wants, needs and tastes can be. Two sugars? Really, though?
Mon August 09, 2010, 20.29 pm: "NAOMI CAMPBELL ACCUSED OF LYING IN WAR CRIMES TRIAL" - not a headline I ever expected to hear. What? You mean it's not plausible that she really thought they'd given her a "bag of dirty pebbles" as a gift? What's weird about giving people bags of dirty pebbles as gifts? That's what I got everyone last Christmas.
Sun August 08, 2010, 19.54 pm: Vanity issues #1: Double-taking every time I pass a mirror. Keep forgetting I've had a drastic hair-cut, and now the diameter of my head has been reduced by about a third. Sure, my increasingly shabby locks were causing me some distress before, all effeminate curling at the back and whispy, scraggly horror on top, but this turn of events is almost as distressing.
Sun August 08, 2010, 1.51 am: Picked up "A mother's (and other's) guide to breastfeeding". First 4 pages a bunch of bureaucratic jargon on the aims and objectives of said pamphlet which, being public sector myself n bombarded with such prose on a regular basis, made me angry... but overall effect: An informative read, if slightly uncomfortable. Learnt what "colostrum" was. Mmm. Not sure I'm ready for, or need to know, this information.
Thu August 05, 2010, 23.37 pm: Directions to Ali's: Get bus outside Waterloo. "Outside Waterloo" = about a km of surrounding roads. Good Luck. Get off bus within the "triumvirate of supermarkets". Turn right by curry house, white garage door. If Leanne shows up, don't freak out, it's Leanne. If a "big man" shows up, freak out, it's not Leanne. There are 13 types of tea in the cupboard but no coffee. That's not coffee, it's black mustard seeds.
Thu August 05, 2010, 00.43 am: Faced with a WALL OF GUFF at Bank tube station, Waterloo and City Line platform: Some posey pratt in Police sunglasses (be "YOUNIQUE"); an i-Slab ad suggesting I might like to access Facebook and Juliet Lewis videos on Youtube using my i-Slab; and Twilight f^"&ing Eclispe. Forgot how much being bludgeoned by the massive avalance of the same ads again and again on the underground gets to me after a couple of days.
Wed August 04, 2010, 13.04 pm: The good thing about football chants is that most of them are utterly generic, which means you can simply insert your team/colours into them and adopt them as your own. Thus demonstrating admirably in the process that there is NOTHING WHATSOEVER unique or special about your town or team. Well done.
Fri July 30, 2010, 16.23 pm: ~About Me~ #2: I have sat in alot of chairs. I own 4 pairs of "action slacks"/"tech pants". My star sign is uncertain. Derron Brown once asked me to recommend secondary Nietzsche literature on a dark rainy side-street. I am here now. I am also here now. And now. People tell me playing competitive team sports is fun, but I have played some and I just don’t know about that.
Fri July 30, 2010, 1.08 am: ~About Me~: My favourite blade of grass on my lawn is no.5246. My eye socket is 1 1/2 inches wide. I have been to Betws-y-Coed once. I enjoy the feeling of my vocal chords vibrating. A kid once asked me if I "went up and down stairs" to which I replied "yes." People tell me olives are nice, but I have tasted them and I just don't know about that.
Thu July 29, 2010, 15.57 pm: Dreams taunting me with happy visions of situations that once seemed possible but were never to be. Resulting melancholy on waking is bitter-sweet but sweetly bitter, and wistfully seductive. But, it's ultimately futile. Aimless and unproductive - a romantic fug to shake off. I'm sleeping too much and brooding too much. Do some work, Thomas.
Wed July 28, 2010, 14.30 pm: Next-door's trampoline is growing. It's now a safety-net-flanked monstrosity, the full width of the garden and apparently the only thing in it. The shed has gone to accommodate it. Is this normal? Is "sproinging up and down a bit" now such an essential activity in children's lives that people will give their whole garden over to it? Are they planning to go professional and train up Olympic athletes? Well... er... ok.
Mon July 26, 2010, 14.07 pm: Being a gentleman of leisure for the summer now, I decided to wander around the house for a prolonged period this morning in my underpants, which Pip tells me is a "liberating" experience to be had. However, all I felt was a persistent sense of unease that I was not "contained", and ill-prepared for combat.
Sun July 25, 2010, 4.41 am: On Nihilism: "...But my moroseness is probably about some girl or another – I don’t really have a problem with the meaninglessness of existence, that’s fine by me."
Sat July 24, 2010, 13.37 pm: Joy at being on holiday lasts approx. 7hrs. You have a £^*%ing avalanche of tasks and projects you've been thinking "I'll do that in the summer" about for months. Now summer is here you don't know if you want to do them any more, and can't remember half of them, but still they're there, increasing in urgency. This starts pressing on your mind roughly about 7hrs after finishing work. So much for holiday joy, dammit.
Fri July 23, 2010, 12.59 pm: "It's weird ennit?" drawls The Ledge, snapping out of his brief boozy snooze to accost me from his chair "When you look about... you can always see yer nose. It's always... there." Holy Michael J. Fox, he's right. And now I can't stop noticing it.
Thu July 22, 2010, 22.44 pm: Pharrell Williams out of The Neptunes/NERD may find it a really good thing to do to body-pop around in front of a camera surrounded by "honeeyz" whilst saying "Uh uh-uh uh uh". I, on the other hand, would feel embarrassed doing that.
Thu July 22, 2010, 1.32 pm: 2nd funniest thing I heard last week: That Anna thought the aliens in the ship that left E.T. behind were "E.T.'s mum and dad". 1st funniest thing I heard last week: "He might not even be called E.T. in his own language." "No, very possibly not."
Mon July 19, 2010, 20.43 pm: Facebook fatigue: Having reviewed everyone's latest status updates, I'm happy that everyone has stuff going on which is interesting to them; but I'm also kind of bored of hearing about everyone else's boring lives. I don't feel good about myself feeling bored about everyone else's boring lives though. Sorry about that.
Mon July 19, 2010, 1.42 pm: Tangled myself in knots writing about mathematical infinity, the big bang and quantum mechanics. Keep checking facts and revising what I'm saying to the point I've lost sight of what my point was supposed to be. Otherwise slept too much, watched a film about death and a film about dreams. Now feel so utterly not-of-this-world that I think I need to look at my utility bills or summat to re-engage with my life...
Sat July 17, 2010, 18.21 pm: "You can show her that you're kind and funny and sincere and thoughtful and charismatic and intelligent and deep, that you think the world of her, that you're capable of looking sexy in a shirt... but apparently none of this is any competition for a few token, stock-phrase compliments from a guy with big arms who isn't afraid to touch her knee."
Thu July 15, 2010, 22.41 pm: "Justin Bieber" - these are just words that I've heard. I don't know who he is. No report has convinced me that knowing who he is would enrich my experience in any way. I have no opinion on the entity "Justin Bieber" or his work. I'm not interested in "Justin Bieber".
Thu July 15, 2010, 00.33 pm: The most crushing dismissal of an artist's body of work I have ever heard: "I'm not interested in Meat Loaf - I mean, what's he on about?" (The Ledge, 2009)
Sun July 11, 2010, 20.03 pm: I am SURE I have had my hair cut on Sunday before; but not today. Every barnet sharpener is shut. No sexy-sexy style for Thomas, today - will have to wear the tired thinning mop for another week.
Sat July 10, 2010, 14.45 pm: Me: "Right, what've I got to do this weekend? Better make a list." Ledge: "Hark at Schindler, here."
Wed July 07, 2010, 22.38 pm: Bertie-cat rolls up all nonchalant bonhomie. "Rrrr-koowl" he says, with a rakish grin. He considers jumping up as I rough-palm the top of his beaming bonce; but as he does I open my laptop which whirrs and puffs. Bertie's eyes widen in almost audible "OMG". He clocks technology he will never understand and falters in confusion; decides it prudent to slink away and reflect on what he has just witnessed.
Mon July 05, 2010, 23.25 pm: Student A:"They're anti-abortion but pro-life." Student B:"Anti-abortion IS pro-life isn't it?" Me:"Yes it is." Student B:"Then why did he say 'but'?" Me:"I think he meant to say 'and' instead of 'but'." Student A:(shrugs) Student B:"Yeah he should have said 'and' instead of 'but'." Me:"Do you think he should have said 'and' instead of 'but'?" Student B:"Yeah, do you think so too?" Me:"Oh, I concur".
Fri July 02, 2010, 19.39 pm: Purchased a bottle of 'This Water' along with my coffee at the motorway services. Till assistant asked, matter-of-fact, "So, just the coffee and... That Water?" Yes. Only struck me afterwards I should have said more than just "yes" because it is rare to find a motorway services till assistant with such a subtle grasp of linguistic observation.
Tue June 29, 2010, 23.03 pm: Laptop has freed me from my desktop to work and web-browse anywhere. Now all I need is a hands-free neck-harness so that I can work and web-browse whilst playing sports; doing manual labour; or making love to a beautiful woman.*
* I don't do any of these things.
Tue June 29, 2010, 20.50 pm: It's so hot, looks like you have three beaks, crow.
Mon June 28, 2010, 22.14 pm: Interested to see how long the England flags stay up for. Is it unpatriotic to tear it down in disgust? Is it silly and sad to leave it up, like Christmas decorations in January? Vote now.
Fri June 25, 2010, 20.04 pm: Resent having to walk past table tennis tables to get to the refectory 'cause when I do a ball might sproing off in my direction: Then my politeness gland nudges me to stop it and pick it up; then my sport-phobic geek gland worries I might make a fool of myself by failing to catch it; then my grumpy gland insists there is no reason I should have to do this; then my politeness gland secretes slight guilt.
Thu June 24, 2010, 00.13 pm: Thanks to all for Birthday stuff n that. I assure you I WAS actually quite upbeat that day. It was a good day, even with all the work and business... content, happy. I know some good, good people and I love all my friends and my downbeat cynical wise-ass persona prevents me from expressing this most of the time. So there it is.
Tue June 22, 2010, 23.47 pm: 33, the Jesus age. Typed "age 33" into google. Got this: "As young adults enter the culminating phase of early adulthood (ages 33–45), they enter the settling down (ages 33–40) stage. By this time, their careers (at least the first one) has been established and a spouse found." Christ. This did not make me feel like a successful human being. But if it's any consolation, Jesus hadn't done that sh*t either.
Sun June 20, 2010, 14.32 pm: Had the mother of all weighty dreams, like some Tarkovsky-style ‘70s Russian art-house sci-fi, involving love, friendship, mortality, man’s isolation in the universe, astrophysics, aerospace engineering, the subjectivity of the passage of time, doubts about working for a spurious communal goal, and the purchasing of posh chocolates. Haunted, confused and emotionally exhausted as a result. What a way to start the day.
Sat June 19, 2010, 19.18 pm: I am going to buy a laptop so that I can update my facebook status and write my important ground-breaking novel. No, hang on, I can do that already. That should read: I am going to buy a laptop so that I can BE SEEN updating my facebook status and writing my important ground-breaking novel from a New York-style coffeeshop. This will make me feel "cosmopolitan", even though I am in Shrewsbury.
Fri June 18, 2010, 20.46 pm: Today I have sat and absorbed information of little consequence, or just sat; I have talked out information of little consequence, or just talked; I have facilitated essentially pointless activity that essentially anyone could have facilitated; I have consumed 3 snackfoods, 1 sandwich, 1 beer and 4 cigarettes. One of those days when you wonder why you exist.
Tue June 15, 2010, 19.35 pm: Can't really say I'm on top of everything at the moment. But neither am I buried under everything. In overview I would have to say I am currently "within" everything. Some things I am on top of. Other things I am at the bottom of and scrabbling to get up. No innuendo in that last sentence, you filth.
Mon June 14, 2010, 18.24 pm: Colleague walks into staff room: "I just bumped into a guy on the stairs... young guy, very sharply dressed, quite handsome - anyone know who he is?" Me: "Was it ME?"
Sat June 12, 2010, 20.21 pm: Paranoid feeling that I am in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" as I go about business during England game. Streets dead, flags everywhere, everyone locked in front of TV screens emitting eerie bee-like drone for reasons I will never understand. Convinced as soon as they clock me acting independently they will point, eyes rolling back in heads, emitting an unearthly howl. Before beating me death with blunt implements.
Sat June 12, 2010, 19.32 pm: is looking at you in "that too-familiar, continental way".
Tue June 8, 2010, 3:20 pm: Life: Or "the slow process of disillusionment" as I call it.
Tue June 8, 2010, 3:09 pm: Larkrise to Candleford #2: Maybe something did happen, but the fact that I've watched at least one full episode but have literally no memory of anything that occurred suggests, at least, that there was no car chase. Not that I particularly tend to recall car chases. In fact car chases are mostly very boring, so I don't know why I said that.
Mon June 7, 2010, 2:51 pm: Clocked Will.i.am in a white suit, surrounded by showgirls with this David Guetta grinning like a loon on some decks behind him, at the World Music Awards. He told me, a few times, that "I wanna go crazy". This did not really speak to me much about my life. Saw Cravendale... er, Cloverfield... on telly. The sense of panicked bewilderment and devastation did.
Mon June 7, 2010, 2:44 pm: Clocked Will.i.am in a white suit, surrounded by showgirls with this David Guetta grinning like a loon on some decks behind him, at the World Music Awards. He told me, a few times, that "I wanna go crazy". This did not really speak to me much about my life.
Sun June 6, 2010, 2:37 pm: Larkrise to Candleford: I watched that show more than once. Nothing £^*$ing happened.
Sun June 6, 2010, 5:03 am: For anyone who claims English pronunciation is in any way logical or consistent: Rough cough though plough through. Fffffffuuuuuu....
Sat June 5, 2010, 5:31 am: When a woman says "You've always got some answer to anything I say to you, haven't you?", "Well, yes, it's called having a conversation." is not the most tactful response.
Fri June 4, 2010, 12:10 pm: The Ledge found me in the lounge, absorbed with intelligent concentration in a broadsheet newspaper, like a proper adult. He sat down, I carried on reading. Then I looked up to find he had grabbed a paper too, to peruse with serious-minded intent, copying me. Except that I had The Times. He had the Admag. Bless.
Thu June 3, 2010, 6:51 pm: got a bit carried away. What was supposed to be a little blog article on "A Marxist Criticism of The Simon Cowell" turned into a 3,000 word essay, and, well, that was my day. And I'm not even a remotely a Marxist. No one's going to read that... but hell, as a way to just forget everything and crack on, I'd recommend the writing thing... all exited about the possibilities again, bless.
Tue June 1, 2010, 4:08 pm: “The girl always had better options.” That’s one for the tombstone.
Mon May 31, 2010, 5:40 pm: "Aw shucks. I have cooked the wrong meat for them again." or, to put it more succinctly (using the indigenous Australian language Bininj Gun-wok) "Abanyawoihwarrgahmarneganjginjeng." Learn a new word every day, kids.
Mon May 31, 2010, 5:18 am: The most accurate word I can think of to describe my mood is "untethered". I'll let you make up your mind as to whether that's a good mood or a bad mood. I sure as hell don't know.
Sun May 30, 2010, 6:07 am: was rooting for England to come last in Eurovision last night. Result.
Fri May 28, 2010, 9:35 am: won "most comedic teacher" (which is only right), but then felt pressured to say something funny in acceptance, failed, made some pitiful attempt, embarrassed self, cast a pall over my success. Did not win "best beard", but happy to bow to Richard's awesome face-fuzz. Half considered encouraging a student to do a Kanye West on my behalf, tho.
Tue May 25, 2010, 1:44 pm: "What for are we living... only Mr. God knows why." Couldn't have put it better myself. Latvia's Eurovision entry is a bleak, existential affair: "What for do people live until they die?" Indeed. "I've asked my uncle Joe, but he can't speak." My goodness. Mr. God have have mercy.
Sun May 23, 2010, 3:39 pm: Was incautious about opening carton of orange juice. Was incautious about sauntering out of the house with t-shirt covered in orange juice. Was incautious about sauntering into cinema in orangey t-shirt to see Prince of Persia. It was utter, utter guff.
Sat May 22, 2010, 5:39 pm: Have been sitting outside and looking at stars. Awesomely tranquil and balmy tonight, no hint of what might be brewing over the horizon. But you know something is, for better or worse... (the void scares me a bit).
Sat May 22, 2010, 8:20 am: Police advise pubs to bar football shirts during world cup games as precaution against the inevitable violence and thuggery that WILL take place regardless. Response from England fans: Dignified affront at all being tarred with same brush? No. They go knee-jerk jingoistic and lash out at ethnic minorities. Perception that all flag-waving shirt-wearing England fans are bigoted moronic thugs is reinforced. Well done.
Thu May 20, 2010, 3:49 pm: Sheesh.
Tue May 18, 2010, 10:01 am: Half way through your second sandwich you suddenly become aware of what you are doing. You have got home from work and immediately headed out into the garden to eat sandwiches whilst pacing up and down outside the back door. Why? Why do I feel the need to go outside in order to eat? Why am I pacing? That this has happened automatically, without thinking, disturbs me a little. Is this ok, or is this weird behaviour?
Mon May 17, 2010, 4:26 pm: Too tired to go out and get cigarettes = too tired to care about my own cravings. Might sound like a positive thing to you, but I'm not so sure... is this a sign of healthy will power or a sign of world-weary soul-rot? It comes to something when you're too despondent to even bother with your preferred vices...
Mon May 17, 2010, 10:12 am: You try to reverse park into a space that is too small. You get the angle wrong, left half in, half out, with no clear bonnet-swing trajectory. You pull out and try again. You get it wrong. You pull out and try again. You get it wrong. You sigh and sit there blocking the road for sullen moment. You are far too tired and lacking in concentration to be dealing with this sh*t.
Sun May 16, 2010, 3:56 pm: I'm squeezing the last few drops (minutes) out of this weekend, readers, like a sponge in a desert. Soon as I turn off tonight I'll be waking up in HIGH STRESS WEEK. So much going on next week I'm already getting the high-blood-pressure brain-freeze just thinking about it. (The weekend is the sponge. I am not the sponge. Why did you think I meant I was a sponge?)
Sat May 15, 2010, 5:02 am: is heartened and encouraged by the fact that there was, indeed, a celebrity hairdresser in the '50s and '60s who curiously insisted on going under the perhaps less than dignified moniker of "Mr. Teasy-Weasy". The fact that he also affected a fake French accent and a pencil-thin moustache pleases me even more. This is what life SHOULD be like. More of this kind of thing.
Fri May 14, 2010, 3:37 pm: Out all evening = fine. Come home = suddenly really cold. There really is something not right with the temperatures in this house. You could store your unsalted hams in here any time of year, they'd keep for ages.
Thu May 13, 2010, 11:53 am: is wearisome. Thomas Morton is weary, some. Thomas Morton is BONE-TIRED.
Tue May 11, 2010, 1:26 pm: Hurh hurh, imagine if, right, when they were waiting for Cameron to show up at the Queen's joint, right, INSTEAD, right, I had rocked up and got sworn in as Prime Minister and then delivered a speech in front of No. 10. Hurh hurh, imagine if SPIDERMAN had rocked up, right, and got sworn in as... You get the picture. F*$£ Eastenders.
Tue May 11, 2010, 11:36 am: Turn the telly on, folks, it's all going down! "Britain has no Prime Minister" - does this mean we are currently an anarchist state? Can we get away with stuff? I disturbed myself that my immediate response was "wow, lets go out and kill some people"... crikey, a bit dark that, dunno where that came from. Don't go out and kill anyone, kids. It's not nice.
Sun May 9, 2010, 2:28 pm: You spend the day in semi-catatonic state, result of mild hang-over, over-sleep and afternoon in front of computer. You only realise full extent when purchasing groceries at shop. Poor check-out staff try their best to elicit response from your inert form. They are bright and cheery but you can only give them cold dead shark eyes. You feel bad about this after.
Sat May 8, 2010, 6:25 pm: Right, let's sort this out: I have never, ever, heard anyone say fish SKIN is NICE. Yes, you can tolerate it, if it's cooked up, as part of the dish, but NO ONE would say, like the Ledge, that it's the "best part". I mean - SCALES, for Moses sakes. That's like saying that chalky rubbery shit around Brie is "the best part". Come on - I surely can't be alone in thinking this is just some kind of bonkers view...
Fri May 7, 2010, 5:24 pm: It may be 1.20am, but I am going to fry up some well seasoned eggs. Yearh, 'cos that's how I roll, muthacrushas. (I said mother CRUSHERS).
Fri May 7, 2010, 9:59 am: Parliament is well hung.
Fri May 7, 2010, 9:59 am: reports: "Election Multiscreen" not as exciting as it sounded. Jeremy Vine dancing around in The Matrix funnier than channel 4's slightly odd and uneasy "isn't the election fun kids?" coverage (apart from Brooker). Man with fist held in the air behind Gordon Brown for the duration of his constituency speech a bizarre highlight.
Thu May 6, 2010, 2:54 pm: Hunkered down for a night of speculative whiffle. Analysis: "The exits polls mean naff all. But if they didn't mean naff all they would mean this." Great stuff, thanks, this is clearly not a waste of time at all, is it? (I love it). Obama ftw.
Thu May 6, 2010, 11:07 am: Have exercised my democratic rights, I voted for Obama. Ledge took a piece of toast to the polling booth.
Wed May 5, 2010, 3:32 pm: Gunna have a bath. Why not have a shower? Pfff. Have to stand up n sh*t. Hassle.
Tue May 4, 2010, 4:01 pm: has surprised himself today by the thought that he might actually be evil. Have always taken for granted that I'm the archetypal harmless nice guy, but have to admit I am an increasingly assured and relentless purveyor of soul-corrupting doubt and insidious, seductive nihilism, that might be interpreted by many as playing for the wrong side altogether... Oh well. Whoops.
Mon May 3, 2010, 11:40 am: *SATIRE* David Cameron wants a "nude erection". The conservatives will show us a "nude erection". I think that's what he said. *SATIRE*
Sun May 2, 2010, 9:00 am: Problem: Listless, lethargic, dispirited, despondent. Proposed solution: Get out the house, stride angrily about a bit. Is that likely to help? Dunno. Will report back.
Sat May 1, 2010, 5:36 am: 1st student: "We love you as you are, Tom, but wouldn't it be brilliant if you were gay... I mean, not gay, camp..." 2nd student: "He is a bit." Charming. Thanks for that, girls.
Thu April 29, 2010, 2:36 pm: is just a sort of bigoted woman
Sun April 25, 2010, 3:00 pm: "Put the steel back in the soul and return to grim reality" Yes! That's definitely a song title.
Sat April 24, 2010, 9:19 am: "When you kill a spider, it gets reincarnated as a cabbage." How would one ever FIND THIS INFORMATION OUT? Was it proven by scientists in tests?
Fri April 23, 2010, 4:23 pm: mmm. urg.
Thu April 22, 2010, 3:02 pm: used to think politics was boring until I discovered the joys of making knowing cynical comments at 1) anything that comes out of a polticians mouth and 2) the absurdities of the media coverage of it. Spent a nice evening trading such with my dad at the telly. Makes one feel all adult and intelligent. Give it a go.
Wed April 21, 2010, 3:45 pm: Look at the sky. First contrail for a week today.
Wed April 21, 2010, 10:20 am: Cold again today. Pay attention. It's not officially warm until Morton has shed his winter coat.
Tue April 20, 2010, 1:42 pm: is stylish. That is I AM style. (Ish).
Sun April 18, 2010, 10:39 am: didn't realise that all this time what he's been having to start the day is a "prostitute's breakfast".
Sun April 18, 2010, 4:35 am: must distract himself from himself. Stop it. Do some work or summat.
Sat April 17, 2010, 1:32 pm: does not want to change his status update because he likes the last one too much. Whoops.
Thu April 15, 2010, 9:59 am: apologises to air travellers. I opened my mouth and this thick black cloud of volcanic ash came out, on account of the dark, tarry bile and cynicism in my black, black soul. Sorry. Last time I did this I killed a lot of dinosaurs - my bad.
Thu April 15, 2010, 5:51 am: Myth: Cats are sleek and elegant creatures. Reality: Rustling foliage. Badumph! More rustling foliage. Cat falls out of tree. Cat pauses, confused. Cat tries to look dignified as it walks away.
Tue April 13, 2010, 3:18 pm: Work finished for the day, time to start drinking. Uncertain whether drinking spiced rum makes me a rugged pirate or a perfumed dandy. Both, probably.
Mon April 12, 2010, 10:54 am: "THEY" are keping me away from Stonehenge because "THEY" know that if I go there when the planets are correctly aligned the "SECRETS OF THE ANCIENTS" will be revealed unto me and that will create anti-matter and the world will go "pop".
Fri April 9, 2010, 8:10 am: drinks asda's own ~@Exotic Juice@~ (made from freshly squeezed exotics), because he's a broad minded cosmopolitan man of the world.
Thu April 8, 2010, 6:56 am: It's far too nice outside to be stuck inside doing school work. I should be stuck inside p*ssing about n facebook instead. Oh. I am.
Wed April 7, 2010, 3:51 pm: wants to know why everyone is using the phrase "man-up" all the time now. It's not a new term, but it must have been in some film/TV show over the last 6 months or so because since around Christmas I keep hearing people say it. (Not to me personally, you understand. Ok, occasionally to me personally).
Mon April 5, 2010, 5:32 pm: Am sitting looking at a headless Lindt Easter Bunny. I have eaten it's head. It's body is sat there all cutesy, but it's neck is just a hollow stump. I feel a niggling sense of shame and remorse, even though the animal is only chocolate. Y'know, it never feels quite right when you're biting off it's eyes.
Mon April 5, 2010, 2:56 pm: I really am trying not to make this track turn into a prog rock monstrosity, but frankly those sombre mellotron tones will not be contained in the standard 4 minute verse-chorus-verse structure. I know, I'll call it "post-rock", and my credibility will remain intact!
Sun April 4, 2010, 8:35 am: Anna insists on doing an egg hunt. Anna: "Why don't we do it in the Garden?" Ledge: "I don't want to do it in the Garden!" Anna: "Why?" Me: "He'll look like a knob."
Sat April 3, 2010, 6:51 am: The only time you're ever likely to hear me describe someone's "buns" as "hot" is when they are also "cross".
Fri April 2, 2010, 7:59 am: Why is Humpty Dumpty an egg? Where does it say it's an egg in the rhyme? Why would an egg be sitting on a wall? Why are kings HORSES trying to put an egg back together? Even if it is an egg, why has it got a face and arms and legs? How did this interpretation even happen? Is it Lewis Carroll's fault? Sometimes stuff baffles me, y'know?
Mon March 29, 2010, 2:05 pm: Have run out of washing up liquid. Is it ok to wash your dishes with that evaporating hand gel stuff? Is it? I have.
Sun March 28, 2010, 11:45 am: "Blondes have more fun." Mmm, that's right, because all us dark-hairs are busy being serious, brooding and morose. This IS basically racism, isn't it?
Sat March 27, 2010, 7:38 pm: Oh yeah. It's the time of year when "they" decide to p*ss about with time to f@*& up my body clock for, frankly, no good reason. Forgot about that.
Fri March 26, 2010, 11:34 am: 's weather responses are out of kilter with other folks it seems... "Isn't it wet and miserable!" say them. "Thank Zeus it's warmed up and raining again!" says me. Rain = dynamic movement, growth, life juice, spring underway. Snow and ice = static stillness, dead, grim, constant to-the-bone discomfort. Rain is king! And comforting in the squinty light of the harsh early-morning get up.
Wed March 24, 2010, 10:20 am: Yeah, I've got squeaky shoes. My owners put them on me to stop me catching birds.
Tue March 23, 2010, 2:10 pm: You have absent mindedly filled your coffee mug to the brim with boiling water. It is too hot to take a sip, too full to add more milk or cold water, there is nowhere to tip a bit out and you don't have time to wait for it to cool (This philosophical paradox is known as "Morton's dilemma" and has been pondered over for 400 years).
Sun March 21, 2010, 3:38 pm: is a "small, mobile, intelligent unit".
Fri March 19, 2010, 5:09 pm: "Is there an orange light on top of that van?" CHECKLIST: 1) Is there a van over there? Yes > 2) Does it have a light on top? Yes > 3) Is the light orange? Yes > RESULTS: Either it's an orange light on top of that van or a TRUE UFO.
Thu March 18, 2010, 4:14 pm: "Nietzsche spent his entire life writing many tl;dr books in which he rants/complains/bitches/moans about how everybody else has it all wrong." ~ pretty accurate summary from ED
Tue March 16, 2010, 4:37 pm: "Don't know much about history; don't know much-a biology; don't know much 'bout the science book; don't know much about the French I took" Well you're a £^8%in' waste of space then, aren't you? "The science book" indeed.
Mon March 15, 2010, 5:05 pm: If you're planning on bouncing off the old iron-spring bed frame that's propped against the wall outside the bathroom, do it with your back. Don't do it forwards. Hurts your face.
Mon March 15, 2010, 3:16 pm: "The heart has it's reasons, which reason does not know."
Sat March 13, 2010, 2:19 pm: reluctantly admits that one in every hundred of these "fan groups" can be slightly amusing. However, now some opportunist sh*tehawk has worked out that you can hide everything and entice people to join your "hilarious" group with vague promises. As your attorney I suggest you tell any such site to go £*^& themselves. God dammit. They'll be asking for money next.
Fri March 12, 2010, 8:06 pm: 's recurring response to life: "Oh Jesus, what's happening now? And what am I supposed to be doing about it?" - Life as a constant bewildering prodding and kicking from all attempts at a settled state of contented rest... such modest ambitions really shouldn't be so hard to achieve!
Tue March 9, 2010, 12:12 pm: Colleague: "You're looking a bit like Columbo today." Me: "You mean the mac? Yeah, it's my detective's mac. Or sex offender's mac. One of the two." Colleague: "No I meant the stoop." Me: "Oh. Right. Well, obviously I'm affecting that as a fashion choice aswell." A little snappy dialogue makes the day go with a zing.
Fri March 5, 2010, 4:15 pm: is resurrected, like Lazarus. Not just plain Lazarus, SELF-RAISING Lazarus.
Fri March 5, 2010, 11:57 am: is now retaining fluids.
Thu March 4, 2010, 7:15 am: top tips (on Dad's advice): Jordans Country Crisp is indeed easy to "keep down". Enjoyed a whole bowl, and no ill-effects!
Wed March 3, 2010, 2:35 pm: reports: Today has been tricky to stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time. Luckily, toilet breaks have kept me on my toes. Is it safe to eat now?
Tue March 2, 2010, 1:45 pm: just projectile vomited a hell of a lot of orangey-red stuff. From both ends. Body appears to have gone into "dirty protest".
Sun February 28, 2010, 12:13 pm: Perilously close to some kind of critical melt-down...
Fri February 26, 2010, 2:34 pm: ME: "It's been a heavy week. I'm parsed." (pause) "Is 'parsed' word?" LEDGE: (looks at swanky internets phone) "To parse: To break a sentence down into its component parts of speech with an explanation of the form, function, and syntactical relationship of each part." ME: "Uh. Yeah, that's right. That's what I am. I'm parsed."
Tue February 23, 2010, 3:54 pm: is fully aware that as, a member of my sex, I have to apologise for CRIME and WAR. (But in my defence, neither of them were actually me.)
Sun February 21, 2010, 9:48 am: mourns the passing of half term, and sighs in poignant regret at the true deep tragedy of the matter: That I did not get a haircut. Not one hair was cut on my wanton bonce. Damn you hair! O why must you mock my ineffectual time management?
Fri February 19, 2010, 7:32 pm: Not Funny In Itself #2: Come on now! Farting has not been FUNNY IN ITSELF since early childhood. If a confident guff punctuates a particularly significant situation, then fine... but a simple common-or-garden boff or bum-gust outside of any amusing set of circumstances is no more remarkable then taking a piss or swallowing some food - and as unmoving amusement-wise as the word "wee-wee" (which at 5 was HIL-AR-I-OUS).
Wed February 17, 2010, 5:33 pm: Not Funny In Itself #1: Come on now. If there's a particularly funny situation you found yourself in, or thing that you did, when you were drunk, then fine... But "hurr I'm getting drunk tonight" or "hurr I was smashed last night" is NOT FUNNY IN ITSELF - or even remarkable in any way. Trust me. This is my doom on the matter, and I am right.
Tue February 16, 2010, 7:40 am: Q: "Why has he got a sports car?" A: "'Cos he's into doing sports. In his car."
Mon February 15, 2010, 5:59 pm: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charlie Brown, Peanuts. Never has anything more profound been said about peanut butter. (Alright, enough, Valentine's Day is over *shudder*.)
Mon February 15, 2010, 12:33 pm: There is a time and a place for Heuy Lewis and The News's "Power of Love". This is not it.
Sun February 14, 2010, 12:48 pm: constantly hears people equating ROMANTIC LOVE with general COMPASSION - as if they're the same thing, which has always struck me as bogus and misleading... romantic love is the most selfish thing in the world, because it forsakes everyone and everything else in the world for the sake of THIS ONE PERSON - and their attention, approval and confirmation of YOU.
Sat February 13, 2010, 8:26 pm: No bitter rant this Valentine ’s Day. Instead I will bow down, 'cause love SHOULD be bowed down to. It fills life with purpose and colour, or strips it away again on unknowable whim; it’s a bottomless well of unintentional emotional violence; makes enemies out of friends for reasons that refuse to listen to reason; and no one can stop or control it. So, yea, I prostrate myself, and quake in fear and awe.
Fri February 12, 2010, 3:08 pm: has come out the other side. I love all my people! We know our own.
Thu February 11, 2010, 10:57 am: God damn life. Damn it all to hell! (Warning: this statement is what Nietzsche would call "anti-life", and not a psychologically healthy attitude to be taking.)
Wed February 10, 2010, 4:49 pm: has so far disdained the use of the "c" word (not the one YOU'RE thinking of, you filth) to express his sentiments to Helen and James. It's too easy and cliche'd for my lips, and doesn't seem to cover it. Instead I'll say I'm mad-time made up about this and it makes me grin to think of it every time I think of it and that's king. It's Boom! It fars me out. That is all.
Tue February 9, 2010, 4:44 pm: change is in the air folx. Big things are afoot, stormy weather on the horizon, Great Cthulhu stirs from his slumber... or maybe not, but it don't half feel like it today!
Mon February 8, 2010, 2:11 pm: "Richard II was the first monarch to insist upon being refered to as 'his majesty'", says Dimbleby (I quite like that show, even if the music does appear to have been imported from THE MOVIES) Because, you see, he was a terminally vain, self-aggrandising, power-mad flattery-whore with delusions of divinity. So why do we still use the term, again...? (Did a lot for the arts though. The cock.)
Sun February 7, 2010, 6:22 pm: has spent the entire day doing good, productive planning work. I've been hellish driven, razor-sharp focussed, no procrastination, no faffing about, and quite a lot of quality goods to show for my efforts. But am I satisfied? No, 'cos I spent so much time on that, that didn't get chance to do that one batch of marking. Jesus, being a teacher is like being Catholic, the guilt just don't let up.
Sat February 6, 2010, 8:47 am: The infuriatingly ephemeral nature of my business-like effieciency: Yesterday I was WELL in "The Zone", all business and organization, and it seemed EASY. Suddenly, today, I have no idea where "The Zone" is or what it even looks like, let alone how to get in it. Everything is fuzzy and chaotic and beyond my ken and I keep getting distracted by wallpaper...
Thu February 4, 2010, 12:23 pm: Overused turns of phrase in songs #1: "Opened up the door". As in "You have opened up the door" = hackneyed old metaphor. Obviously on autopilot when writing them lyrics. Please make your lyrical communication more vibrant, evocative and interseting, or at least play about with the metaphor a bit to show some self-awareness. Not good enough.
Tue February 2, 2010, 2:06 pm: Oh, hey. Did you say you wanted to see some very weird, creepy deep-sea creatures? Yeah, that's what I thought you said. Well it just so happens I've just done a trawl for some on The You Tube. See "below". Oh, Yes.
Mon February 1, 2010, 4:15 pm: POLICE FOLLOW THIS VAN ...said the Group 4 Securicor ve-hi-cle I was behind this morning. "No they don't" I thought. "I DO".
Sun January 31, 2010, 10:32 am: Shocking gaps in knowledge #1: Do canals hook up with rivers? Y'know, in the sense that you can kick about on a barge like some kind of Harrison Ford and, if you wanted to, cruise on out on to the Severn? Logically, practically and historically this would make sense, but a quick canvas of pub opinion concluded that NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW THIS FOR CERTAIN. This resulted in cognitive unease.
Sat May 8, 2010, 6:25 pm: Right, let's sort this out: I have never, ever, heard anyone say fish SKIN is NICE. Yes, you can tolerate it, if it's cooked up, as part of the dish, but NO ONE would say, like the Ledge, that it's the "best part". I mean - SCALES, for Moses sakes. That's like saying that chalky rubbery shit around Brie is "the best part". Come on - I surely can't be alone in thinking this is just some kind of bonkers view...
Fri May 7, 2010, 5:24 pm: It may be 1.20am, but I am going to fry up some well seasoned eggs. Yearh, 'cos that's how I roll, muthacrushas. (I said mother CRUSHERS).
Fri May 7, 2010, 9:59 am: Parliament is well hung.
Fri May 7, 2010, 9:59 am: reports: "Election Multiscreen" not as exciting as it sounded. Jeremy Vine dancing around in The Matrix funnier than channel 4's slightly odd and uneasy "isn't the election fun kids?" coverage (apart from Brooker). Man with fist held in the air behind Gordon Brown for the duration of his constituency speech a bizarre highlight.
Thu May 6, 2010, 2:54 pm: Hunkered down for a night of speculative whiffle. Analysis: "The exits polls mean naff all. But if they didn't mean naff all they would mean this." Great stuff, thanks, this is clearly not a waste of time at all, is it? (I love it). Obama ftw.
Thu May 6, 2010, 11:07 am: Have exercised my democratic rights, I voted for Obama. Ledge took a piece of toast to the polling booth.
Wed May 5, 2010, 3:32 pm: Gunna have a bath. Why not have a shower? Pfff. Have to stand up n sh*t. Hassle.
Tue May 4, 2010, 4:01 pm: has surprised himself today by the thought that he might actually be evil. Have always taken for granted that I'm the archetypal harmless nice guy, but have to admit I am an increasingly assured and relentless purveyor of soul-corrupting doubt and insidious, seductive nihilism, that might be interpreted by many as playing for the wrong side altogether... Oh well. Whoops.
Mon May 3, 2010, 11:40 am: *SATIRE* David Cameron wants a "nude erection". The conservatives will show us a "nude erection". I think that's what he said. *SATIRE*
Sun May 2, 2010, 9:00 am: Problem: Listless, lethargic, dispirited, despondent. Proposed solution: Get out the house, stride angrily about a bit. Is that likely to help? Dunno. Will report back.
Sat May 1, 2010, 5:36 am: 1st student: "We love you as you are, Tom, but wouldn't it be brilliant if you were gay... I mean, not gay, camp..." 2nd student: "He is a bit." Charming. Thanks for that, girls.
Thu April 29, 2010, 2:36 pm: is just a sort of bigoted woman
Sun April 25, 2010, 3:00 pm: "Put the steel back in the soul and return to grim reality" Yes! That's definitely a song title.
Sat April 24, 2010, 9:19 am: "When you kill a spider, it gets reincarnated as a cabbage." How would one ever FIND THIS INFORMATION OUT? Was it proven by scientists in tests?
Fri April 23, 2010, 4:23 pm: mmm. urg.
Thu April 22, 2010, 3:02 pm: used to think politics was boring until I discovered the joys of making knowing cynical comments at 1) anything that comes out of a polticians mouth and 2) the absurdities of the media coverage of it. Spent a nice evening trading such with my dad at the telly. Makes one feel all adult and intelligent. Give it a go.
Wed April 21, 2010, 3:45 pm: Look at the sky. First contrail for a week today.
Wed April 21, 2010, 10:20 am: Cold again today. Pay attention. It's not officially warm until Morton has shed his winter coat.
Tue April 20, 2010, 1:42 pm: is stylish. That is I AM style. (Ish).
Sun April 18, 2010, 10:39 am: didn't realise that all this time what he's been having to start the day is a "prostitute's breakfast".
Sun April 18, 2010, 4:35 am: must distract himself from himself. Stop it. Do some work or summat.
Sat April 17, 2010, 1:32 pm: does not want to change his status update because he likes the last one too much. Whoops.
Thu April 15, 2010, 9:59 am: apologises to air travellers. I opened my mouth and this thick black cloud of volcanic ash came out, on account of the dark, tarry bile and cynicism in my black, black soul. Sorry. Last time I did this I killed a lot of dinosaurs - my bad.
Thu April 15, 2010, 5:51 am: Myth: Cats are sleek and elegant creatures. Reality: Rustling foliage. Badumph! More rustling foliage. Cat falls out of tree. Cat pauses, confused. Cat tries to look dignified as it walks away.
Tue April 13, 2010, 3:18 pm: Work finished for the day, time to start drinking. Uncertain whether drinking spiced rum makes me a rugged pirate or a perfumed dandy. Both, probably.
Mon April 12, 2010, 10:54 am: "THEY" are keping me away from Stonehenge because "THEY" know that if I go there when the planets are correctly aligned the "SECRETS OF THE ANCIENTS" will be revealed unto me and that will create anti-matter and the world will go "pop".
Fri April 9, 2010, 8:10 am: drinks asda's own ~@Exotic Juice@~ (made from freshly squeezed exotics), because he's a broad minded cosmopolitan man of the world.
Thu April 8, 2010, 6:56 am: It's far too nice outside to be stuck inside doing school work. I should be stuck inside p*ssing about n facebook instead. Oh. I am.
Wed April 7, 2010, 3:51 pm: wants to know why everyone is using the phrase "man-up" all the time now. It's not a new term, but it must have been in some film/TV show over the last 6 months or so because since around Christmas I keep hearing people say it. (Not to me personally, you understand. Ok, occasionally to me personally).
Mon April 5, 2010, 5:32 pm: Am sitting looking at a headless Lindt Easter Bunny. I have eaten it's head. It's body is sat there all cutesy, but it's neck is just a hollow stump. I feel a niggling sense of shame and remorse, even though the animal is only chocolate. Y'know, it never feels quite right when you're biting off it's eyes.
Mon April 5, 2010, 2:56 pm: I really am trying not to make this track turn into a prog rock monstrosity, but frankly those sombre mellotron tones will not be contained in the standard 4 minute verse-chorus-verse structure. I know, I'll call it "post-rock", and my credibility will remain intact!
Sun April 4, 2010, 8:35 am: Anna insists on doing an egg hunt. Anna: "Why don't we do it in the Garden?" Ledge: "I don't want to do it in the Garden!" Anna: "Why?" Me: "He'll look like a knob."
Sat April 3, 2010, 6:51 am: The only time you're ever likely to hear me describe someone's "buns" as "hot" is when they are also "cross".
Fri April 2, 2010, 7:59 am: Why is Humpty Dumpty an egg? Where does it say it's an egg in the rhyme? Why would an egg be sitting on a wall? Why are kings HORSES trying to put an egg back together? Even if it is an egg, why has it got a face and arms and legs? How did this interpretation even happen? Is it Lewis Carroll's fault? Sometimes stuff baffles me, y'know?
Mon March 29, 2010, 2:05 pm: Have run out of washing up liquid. Is it ok to wash your dishes with that evaporating hand gel stuff? Is it? I have.
Sun March 28, 2010, 11:45 am: "Blondes have more fun." Mmm, that's right, because all us dark-hairs are busy being serious, brooding and morose. This IS basically racism, isn't it?
Sat March 27, 2010, 7:38 pm: Oh yeah. It's the time of year when "they" decide to p*ss about with time to f@*& up my body clock for, frankly, no good reason. Forgot about that.
Fri March 26, 2010, 11:34 am: 's weather responses are out of kilter with other folks it seems... "Isn't it wet and miserable!" say them. "Thank Zeus it's warmed up and raining again!" says me. Rain = dynamic movement, growth, life juice, spring underway. Snow and ice = static stillness, dead, grim, constant to-the-bone discomfort. Rain is king! And comforting in the squinty light of the harsh early-morning get up.
Wed March 24, 2010, 10:20 am: Yeah, I've got squeaky shoes. My owners put them on me to stop me catching birds.
Tue March 23, 2010, 2:10 pm: You have absent mindedly filled your coffee mug to the brim with boiling water. It is too hot to take a sip, too full to add more milk or cold water, there is nowhere to tip a bit out and you don't have time to wait for it to cool (This philosophical paradox is known as "Morton's dilemma" and has been pondered over for 400 years).
Sun March 21, 2010, 3:38 pm: is a "small, mobile, intelligent unit".
Fri March 19, 2010, 5:09 pm: "Is there an orange light on top of that van?" CHECKLIST: 1) Is there a van over there? Yes > 2) Does it have a light on top? Yes > 3) Is the light orange? Yes > RESULTS: Either it's an orange light on top of that van or a TRUE UFO.
Thu March 18, 2010, 4:14 pm: "Nietzsche spent his entire life writing many tl;dr books in which he rants/complains/bitches/moans about how everybody else has it all wrong." ~ pretty accurate summary from ED
Tue March 16, 2010, 4:37 pm: "Don't know much about history; don't know much-a biology; don't know much 'bout the science book; don't know much about the French I took" Well you're a £^8%in' waste of space then, aren't you? "The science book" indeed.
Mon March 15, 2010, 5:05 pm: If you're planning on bouncing off the old iron-spring bed frame that's propped against the wall outside the bathroom, do it with your back. Don't do it forwards. Hurts your face.
Mon March 15, 2010, 3:16 pm: "The heart has it's reasons, which reason does not know."
Sat March 13, 2010, 2:19 pm: reluctantly admits that one in every hundred of these "fan groups" can be slightly amusing. However, now some opportunist sh*tehawk has worked out that you can hide everything and entice people to join your "hilarious" group with vague promises. As your attorney I suggest you tell any such site to go £*^& themselves. God dammit. They'll be asking for money next.
Fri March 12, 2010, 8:06 pm: 's recurring response to life: "Oh Jesus, what's happening now? And what am I supposed to be doing about it?" - Life as a constant bewildering prodding and kicking from all attempts at a settled state of contented rest... such modest ambitions really shouldn't be so hard to achieve!
Tue March 9, 2010, 12:12 pm: Colleague: "You're looking a bit like Columbo today." Me: "You mean the mac? Yeah, it's my detective's mac. Or sex offender's mac. One of the two." Colleague: "No I meant the stoop." Me: "Oh. Right. Well, obviously I'm affecting that as a fashion choice aswell." A little snappy dialogue makes the day go with a zing.
Fri March 5, 2010, 4:15 pm: is resurrected, like Lazarus. Not just plain Lazarus, SELF-RAISING Lazarus.
Fri March 5, 2010, 11:57 am: is now retaining fluids.
Thu March 4, 2010, 7:15 am: top tips (on Dad's advice): Jordans Country Crisp is indeed easy to "keep down". Enjoyed a whole bowl, and no ill-effects!
Wed March 3, 2010, 2:35 pm: reports: Today has been tricky to stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time. Luckily, toilet breaks have kept me on my toes. Is it safe to eat now?
Tue March 2, 2010, 1:45 pm: just projectile vomited a hell of a lot of orangey-red stuff. From both ends. Body appears to have gone into "dirty protest".
Sun February 28, 2010, 12:13 pm: Perilously close to some kind of critical melt-down...
Fri February 26, 2010, 2:34 pm: ME: "It's been a heavy week. I'm parsed." (pause) "Is 'parsed' word?" LEDGE: (looks at swanky internets phone) "To parse: To break a sentence down into its component parts of speech with an explanation of the form, function, and syntactical relationship of each part." ME: "Uh. Yeah, that's right. That's what I am. I'm parsed."
Tue February 23, 2010, 3:54 pm: is fully aware that as, a member of my sex, I have to apologise for CRIME and WAR. (But in my defence, neither of them were actually me.)
Sun February 21, 2010, 9:48 am: mourns the passing of half term, and sighs in poignant regret at the true deep tragedy of the matter: That I did not get a haircut. Not one hair was cut on my wanton bonce. Damn you hair! O why must you mock my ineffectual time management?
Fri February 19, 2010, 7:32 pm: Not Funny In Itself #2: Come on now! Farting has not been FUNNY IN ITSELF since early childhood. If a confident guff punctuates a particularly significant situation, then fine... but a simple common-or-garden boff or bum-gust outside of any amusing set of circumstances is no more remarkable then taking a piss or swallowing some food - and as unmoving amusement-wise as the word "wee-wee" (which at 5 was HIL-AR-I-OUS).
Wed February 17, 2010, 5:33 pm: Not Funny In Itself #1: Come on now. If there's a particularly funny situation you found yourself in, or thing that you did, when you were drunk, then fine... But "hurr I'm getting drunk tonight" or "hurr I was smashed last night" is NOT FUNNY IN ITSELF - or even remarkable in any way. Trust me. This is my doom on the matter, and I am right.
Tue February 16, 2010, 7:40 am: Q: "Why has he got a sports car?" A: "'Cos he's into doing sports. In his car."
Mon February 15, 2010, 5:59 pm: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." - Charlie Brown, Peanuts. Never has anything more profound been said about peanut butter. (Alright, enough, Valentine's Day is over *shudder*.)
Mon February 15, 2010, 12:33 pm: There is a time and a place for Heuy Lewis and The News's "Power of Love". This is not it.
Sun February 14, 2010, 12:48 pm: constantly hears people equating ROMANTIC LOVE with general COMPASSION - as if they're the same thing, which has always struck me as bogus and misleading... romantic love is the most selfish thing in the world, because it forsakes everyone and everything else in the world for the sake of THIS ONE PERSON - and their attention, approval and confirmation of YOU.
Sat February 13, 2010, 8:26 pm: No bitter rant this Valentine ’s Day. Instead I will bow down, 'cause love SHOULD be bowed down to. It fills life with purpose and colour, or strips it away again on unknowable whim; it’s a bottomless well of unintentional emotional violence; makes enemies out of friends for reasons that refuse to listen to reason; and no one can stop or control it. So, yea, I prostrate myself, and quake in fear and awe.
Fri February 12, 2010, 3:08 pm: has come out the other side. I love all my people! We know our own.
Thu February 11, 2010, 10:57 am: God damn life. Damn it all to hell! (Warning: this statement is what Nietzsche would call "anti-life", and not a psychologically healthy attitude to be taking.)
Wed February 10, 2010, 4:49 pm: has so far disdained the use of the "c" word (not the one YOU'RE thinking of, you filth) to express his sentiments to Helen and James. It's too easy and cliche'd for my lips, and doesn't seem to cover it. Instead I'll say I'm mad-time made up about this and it makes me grin to think of it every time I think of it and that's king. It's Boom! It fars me out. That is all.
Tue February 9, 2010, 4:44 pm: change is in the air folx. Big things are afoot, stormy weather on the horizon, Great Cthulhu stirs from his slumber... or maybe not, but it don't half feel like it today!
Mon February 8, 2010, 2:11 pm: "Richard II was the first monarch to insist upon being refered to as 'his majesty'", says Dimbleby (I quite like that show, even if the music does appear to have been imported from THE MOVIES) Because, you see, he was a terminally vain, self-aggrandising, power-mad flattery-whore with delusions of divinity. So why do we still use the term, again...? (Did a lot for the arts though. The cock.)
Sun February 7, 2010, 6:22 pm: has spent the entire day doing good, productive planning work. I've been hellish driven, razor-sharp focussed, no procrastination, no faffing about, and quite a lot of quality goods to show for my efforts. But am I satisfied? No, 'cos I spent so much time on that, that didn't get chance to do that one batch of marking. Jesus, being a teacher is like being Catholic, the guilt just don't let up.
Sat February 6, 2010, 8:47 am: The infuriatingly ephemeral nature of my business-like effieciency: Yesterday I was WELL in "The Zone", all business and organization, and it seemed EASY. Suddenly, today, I have no idea where "The Zone" is or what it even looks like, let alone how to get in it. Everything is fuzzy and chaotic and beyond my ken and I keep getting distracted by wallpaper...
Thu February 4, 2010, 12:23 pm: Overused turns of phrase in songs #1: "Opened up the door". As in "You have opened up the door" = hackneyed old metaphor. Obviously on autopilot when writing them lyrics. Please make your lyrical communication more vibrant, evocative and interseting, or at least play about with the metaphor a bit to show some self-awareness. Not good enough.
Tue February 2, 2010, 2:06 pm: Oh, hey. Did you say you wanted to see some very weird, creepy deep-sea creatures? Yeah, that's what I thought you said. Well it just so happens I've just done a trawl for some on The You Tube. See "below". Oh, Yes.
Mon February 1, 2010, 4:15 pm: POLICE FOLLOW THIS VAN ...said the Group 4 Securicor ve-hi-cle I was behind this morning. "No they don't" I thought. "I DO".
Sun January 31, 2010, 10:32 am: Shocking gaps in knowledge #1: Do canals hook up with rivers? Y'know, in the sense that you can kick about on a barge like some kind of Harrison Ford and, if you wanted to, cruise on out on to the Severn? Logically, practically and historically this would make sense, but a quick canvas of pub opinion concluded that NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW THIS FOR CERTAIN. This resulted in cognitive unease.
Tue January 26, 2010, 1:04 pm: Salmon sandwiches from the petrol station + dry roasted nuts + monster munch + banana = EASY TEA.
Mon January 25, 2010, 3:31 pm: is a little bored of himself tonight, which is not an inedible dish, but rather bland and unpalatable. Normal service will be resumed as soon as Thomas can reboot his ego. (Thomas also enjoys the use of mixed metaphors). Thomas.
Sun January 24, 2010, 7:21 am: Being un-athletic is ANTI-AMERICAN dammit. Don't mess with Football.
Fri January 22, 2010, 3:31 pm: Has been missing ENO NIGHT! Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wed January 20, 2010, 4:06 pm: today pondered the odd style of aging musicians who have been in the music industry so long they've been subsumed by it. The tinted glasses, ponytails and earings that want to suggest hip rocknroll rebellion but are a touch too immaculate; the expensive clothes that look like they're only ever worn once and chucked before they get comfortable. Ringo Starr. I'm thinking of Ringo Starr. Maybe Robin Gibb.
Sat January 16, 2010, 11:11 am: It's raining inside my outside toilet, and if you open the door it sprays your face. A lovely new water-feature for the garden, then.
Sat January 16, 2010, 9:12 am: It's raining inside my outside toilet. I'm not being weird, this is just a matter-of-fact statement of a matter of fact. Where the £*$% is that plumber?
Fri January 15, 2010, 4:41 pm: "is one of the many forms of oppression i was talking about." - Pip Bayley.
Thu January 14, 2010, 4:15 pm: enjoys the way his black leather gloves make everything he holds look sinister.
Wed January 13, 2010, 10:31 am: Say, do you think we might get a bit of snow this year?
Tue January 12, 2010, 1:44 pm: eats intimidatingly expensive chocolates. On ice.
Tue January 12, 2010, 1:30 pm: eats intimidatingly expensive chocolates.
Mon January 11, 2010, 2:19 pm: Dark Teutonic Metaphysics.
Sun January 10, 2010, 8:25 am: To get up or not get up: My dreams are interesting at the moment, full of the promise of adventure, wierdness, intrigue and romance. My reality is cold, dark, bunged-up and uncomfortable, and full of the promise of work, hassle, listlessness and not much else. Sigh. That's it, I've had enouh of this shitty time of year, now, it's clearly messing with my brain chemicals.
Fri January 8, 2010, 10:57 am: 20 minutes of engine warming and sanding down and chipping away at the concrete-like ice on BOTH SIDES of the windscreen and the "heater" is still kicking out a chilly breeze and nothing has melted anywhere, not even on the bonnet. B****cks to this, I'm doing the kettle thing... And it was like using a super-power - POOM! In a flash the ice is gone. Take that, weather. I am MAN!
Thu January 7, 2010, 2:02 pm: concludes that the most popular colour for bras is very clearly either black or pink. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this vital information, however.
Wed January 6, 2010, 4:41 pm: THE COLOUR FROM OUTER SPACE
Wed January 6, 2010, 3:33 pm: Unusual penomena #1: It's rare that I suffer from serious insomnia nowadays (though I used to a lot in my "youth") but every now and again I have a night when I hardly sleep at all, usually for no apparent reason. For the past couple of years every time this happens I'll find out the next day that my Dad also had such a night. Last night was one of those nights, and sure enough...
Wed January 6, 2010, 2:05 am: has found out his workplace is closed today via his tutees' facebook status updates. This isn't the way lines of communication are supposed to work is it? Is this what the official protocol is, now?
Mon January 4, 2010, 3:41 pm: Philosophy cosmetics skin moisturiser says: "Where there is hope there can be faith. Where there is faith miracles can happen". But Nietzsche says: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." and "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." Hmmmm.
Mon January 25, 2010, 3:31 pm: is a little bored of himself tonight, which is not an inedible dish, but rather bland and unpalatable. Normal service will be resumed as soon as Thomas can reboot his ego. (Thomas also enjoys the use of mixed metaphors). Thomas.
Sun January 24, 2010, 7:21 am: Being un-athletic is ANTI-AMERICAN dammit. Don't mess with Football.
Fri January 22, 2010, 3:31 pm: Has been missing ENO NIGHT! Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wed January 20, 2010, 4:06 pm: today pondered the odd style of aging musicians who have been in the music industry so long they've been subsumed by it. The tinted glasses, ponytails and earings that want to suggest hip rocknroll rebellion but are a touch too immaculate; the expensive clothes that look like they're only ever worn once and chucked before they get comfortable. Ringo Starr. I'm thinking of Ringo Starr. Maybe Robin Gibb.
Sat January 16, 2010, 11:11 am: It's raining inside my outside toilet, and if you open the door it sprays your face. A lovely new water-feature for the garden, then.
Sat January 16, 2010, 9:12 am: It's raining inside my outside toilet. I'm not being weird, this is just a matter-of-fact statement of a matter of fact. Where the £*$% is that plumber?
Fri January 15, 2010, 4:41 pm: "is one of the many forms of oppression i was talking about." - Pip Bayley.
Thu January 14, 2010, 4:15 pm: enjoys the way his black leather gloves make everything he holds look sinister.
Wed January 13, 2010, 10:31 am: Say, do you think we might get a bit of snow this year?
Tue January 12, 2010, 1:44 pm: eats intimidatingly expensive chocolates. On ice.
Tue January 12, 2010, 1:30 pm: eats intimidatingly expensive chocolates.
Mon January 11, 2010, 2:19 pm: Dark Teutonic Metaphysics.
Sun January 10, 2010, 8:25 am: To get up or not get up: My dreams are interesting at the moment, full of the promise of adventure, wierdness, intrigue and romance. My reality is cold, dark, bunged-up and uncomfortable, and full of the promise of work, hassle, listlessness and not much else. Sigh. That's it, I've had enouh of this shitty time of year, now, it's clearly messing with my brain chemicals.
Fri January 8, 2010, 10:57 am: 20 minutes of engine warming and sanding down and chipping away at the concrete-like ice on BOTH SIDES of the windscreen and the "heater" is still kicking out a chilly breeze and nothing has melted anywhere, not even on the bonnet. B****cks to this, I'm doing the kettle thing... And it was like using a super-power - POOM! In a flash the ice is gone. Take that, weather. I am MAN!
Thu January 7, 2010, 2:02 pm: concludes that the most popular colour for bras is very clearly either black or pink. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this vital information, however.
Wed January 6, 2010, 4:41 pm: THE COLOUR FROM OUTER SPACE
Wed January 6, 2010, 3:33 pm: Unusual penomena #1: It's rare that I suffer from serious insomnia nowadays (though I used to a lot in my "youth") but every now and again I have a night when I hardly sleep at all, usually for no apparent reason. For the past couple of years every time this happens I'll find out the next day that my Dad also had such a night. Last night was one of those nights, and sure enough...
Wed January 6, 2010, 2:05 am: has found out his workplace is closed today via his tutees' facebook status updates. This isn't the way lines of communication are supposed to work is it? Is this what the official protocol is, now?
Mon January 4, 2010, 3:41 pm: Philosophy cosmetics skin moisturiser says: "Where there is hope there can be faith. Where there is faith miracles can happen". But Nietzsche says: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." and "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." Hmmmm.
Sun January 3, 2010, 5:32 pm: Think I may have blanked some people on Greyfriars bridge earlier. I'm all ill and that, mind all cotton wool and the light was behind them so I couldn't see proper... and then they said "hello" as I passed them. Might have grunted distractedly as brain went "hang on, someone's saying hello to me", but walked on regardless. If that was you, let me know. Won't promise an actual apology, but I'd like to know, y'know.
Sat January 2, 2010, 8:06 am: 2000 n Zen! Already the age Bill Hicks died at, this is the year I hit JESUS AGE. So I'm preparing my Sermon on The Mount* now, and if I'm not nailed to a rudimentary wooden structure for my controversial teachings by 2011, frankly I'll be disappointed.
Fri January 1, 2010, 1:47 pm: is STILL catastrophically impaired by hangover. I feel like I'm made out of dust and gravel. That's been hit over the head with a shovel and is packed too densely around the back of my eyes. You go on with 2010, I'm just going to make do with 2009 for a bit longer until I've got more energy.
Fri January 1, 2010, 9:42 am: is well hung. Over. Well hung over.
Thu December 31, 2009, 8:29 am: Tonight I'm going to sit in a chair and brood upon what I have achieved these past 10 years. Maybe draw a wall chart. Mmmm. On second thoughts, if I do that I might not make it into 2010, so I'll go out and get p!ssed instead.
Thu December 31, 2009, 7:53 am: offers a fruity, delicate taste with a bouquet of ripe fruit and spring flowers.
Wed December 30, 2009, 8:19 am: "Cointreau is both intense and gentle, warming and refreshing, bitter and sweet." What's that, ladies? You thought that was describing me? Oh, shush, ladies, stop it, you'll make me blush.
Mon December 28, 2009, 10:13 am: It says "R U 21" on the door of Focusdoitall. Clever, that, using moronic text-speak to talk to "da kidz", 'cos to them, see, that says "Excuse me, but have you attained the distinguished vintage of 21 years of age?" - Whereas to me, see, it's more likely to get the response "Didn't I own the Star-Wars figure of him?" or "Wasn't that a Prince song?"
Sun December 27, 2009, 6:41 pm: I am going out to buy cigarettes. It is 1.30 in the morning. Or at least that was what I was supposed to be doing but instead I've sat here for 15 minutes in my coat and scarf staring at this screen, and now I'm writing this. Why? Well shrug my shoulders. I have no idea. I think my life is just so exciting that I'm experiencing some sort of existential catatonia. Um.
Sat December 26, 2009, 9:39 am: reports: Strategy Of Shrugging Off Any Residual Niggling Feelings That I SHOULD Be Feeling Christmassy Results In Nice, Pleasant Christmas Shock. No cycle of faint frustration, guilt, disappointment and anti-climax that usually accompanies festive period these days... Good! Now if I can just get through New Year in the same fashion (and psychologically intact)...
Thu December 24, 2009, 5:26 pm: has got to go help Santa on his rounds now. I'll try not to leave a mess when I'm in YOUR house.
Tue December 22, 2009, 5:20 pm: The trouble with having time off at Christmas is that everyone's busy doing "Christmas", and there's all this "Christmas" to do.
Mon December 21, 2009, 9:48 am: Mmm. As a vote of no confidence in Cowell it's great, and the band, ever the champaign socialists, are giving their share of the profits to charity, but... you do know that RATM are on the same record label as Joe McElderly, don't you? You did know that, didn't you? Never play against the house, folks, the house always wins. The "Man" has got it covered every which way. No escape.
Sun December 20, 2009, 11:32 am: is drinking the coffee of decadent excess. Yeah, hey, why not have honey instead of sugar? Huh? And while we're at it, hot damn, let's use cream. And, say - a dash of rum? Is that going too far?.... I'd better keep a look out for any passing French revolutionaries, or they'll have my head. Let those £@amp;amp;amp;ers eat "cake".
Sat December 19, 2009, 3:34 pm: God, it's hard to live with myself sometimes. My neuroses exasperate even me: The problem with suddenly having time on your hands is that you start to worry over futile things that you didn't have time to worry about before. And you keep on catching yourself feeling guilty about not doing work... No, Thomas, if there's one time you DON'T have to do work it's the first weekend of the holidays, you massive, massive loon.
Fri December 18, 2009, 10:40 am: I can think about buying stuff for people now. And doing leisurely things. I bought a couple of items of extravagant food. And then I saw a tree with lights on and thought "That looks nice" - yeah, ok, I MIGHT be feeling a bit Christmas now. But in a low-key way - don't push it.
Thu December 17, 2009, 3:50 pm: will stop mentioning how exhausted and overworked I am, or how I've had to pummel myself into the ground just to get the necessary done, dammit, etc. etc. (It's getting a bit yawnsome isn't it?) But I will say tonight was my first work-free night for over two weeks. So how did I spend it? Well, stuck in my car for over an hour in Church £@%&ing Stretton, and then crashed out asleep until now. "Yay". Party.
Tue December 15, 2009, 1:28 pm: You know when you turn your digital camera off and on again to get that last bit of juice in the batteries to last a bit longer? You know when you shake your dying lighter to try n conjure up those final fumes? Well that's what it feels like I've been doing to my brain that last couple of days... concentration gone? Stand up, slap your face, chug some coffee... ah, see, another 25 mins in me yet...
Sun December 13, 2009, 7:20 am: "Greek breakfast" (coffee and cigarettes) at 1pm; An hour or so putting off marking (ie. now); marking 'til 7ish; Big tea with the folks; More marking 'til mental shut-down in the small hours... ah, yes, it must be Sunday. - God didn't have to put up with this kind of malarkey, He made sure He had a nice rest (I'm obviously not as efficient a deity).
Sat December 12, 2009, 9:58 am: Hello, everyone. Hello.... Mmm, I just felt like saying hello. Hi there.
Fri December 11, 2009, 12:27 pm: CAN read Lady Gaga's poker face.
Wed December 9, 2009, 4:02 pm: fancies getting some leather gloves. Where does one buy leather gloves?
Sun December 6, 2009, 9:47 am: is not Christmas's target audience or marketing demographic, anymore. I feel kind of like I do about "Twilight: New Moon" - yeah, I COULD show some interest in it, but it's not FOR the likes of me, is it? I await my 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve, see if they can convince me otherwise.
Sat December 5, 2009, 10:41 am: want's to know why it's suddenly everyone's birthday this week? When did that happen?
Thu December 3, 2009, 3:35 pm: won first prize in a raffle yesterday. What did I win, y'say? Well, gather round, reader, let me tell you: I won a slip of paper informing me that the raffle holder wasn't going to give me my prize because she wanted to keep it herself. Charming. This is possibly the most outrageous behaviour I have ever fallen victim to - so much so that it kept me chuckling for the rest of the day... thanks Soph.
Tue December 1, 2009, 4:48 pm: The box that was asking me to turn myself into a cartoon is now asking me to go Santa myself. I don't know what this means, but it sounds damn rude. And when it comes to inventing new pointless ways to distract oneself from the futility of existence, this has got to take the "biscuit"... Oh, wait, that could refer to facebook in general, couldn't it?
Tue December 1, 2009, 3:14 pm: I grew my winter coat too soon, and now I'm not feeling the benefit.
Mon November 30, 2009, 5:10 pm: doesn't really understand why the box at the side there keeps demanding I turn myself into a cartoon. Or why this is considered a life-enhancing thing to do.
Sat November 28, 2009, 7:30 pm: Please do not read this sentence.
Wed November 25, 2009, 11:53 am: is holding illness at bay with overwork. Not the most functional strategy, but I've not got much choice in the matter.
Tue November 24, 2009, 4:53 pm: and Pip Bayley may have been mistaken for a gay couple when shopping "together" at ASDA this weekend. Secretly I didn't mind though - at least I'm being mistaken for a functioning adult in a healthy relationship as opposed to a lonesome loser with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than shop for groceries 'cos all his friends are doing "couple things". Yeah, ok, the latter wouldn't really be a "mistake".
Sun November 22, 2009, 11:13 am: Advertising B.S. detector #2: LG LED TV ad - Ah yes, the existential ennui of modern rat-race life. What, pray tell, is the solution to this grinding daily dispair? A £*%$ing FLATSCREEN TELLY. Of course! Buy stuff! With tokens from your monotonous stifling grey job! Jesus £*amp;amp;amp;ing wept, where's Karl Marx when you need him?
Sat November 21, 2009, 10:45 am: Children in need is a wonderful thing. But I never actually want to watch any of it, because I'm unsettled by the fact that I can't tell whether the smiles are real or not.
Fri November 20, 2009, 2:00 pm: does not currently own a pair of "lounge pants"/"slouch trousers". After admiring the astonishing array of multi-coloured multi-patterned hosiery on display today, I feel this may have been an oversight.
Wed November 18, 2009, 3:23 pm: Them "Killers" lot have got their work cut out for them if they want to convince me that lines like "Are we human, or are we dancer? My signs are vital, my hands are cold" aren't pure meaningless pretentious bullshit.
Mon November 16, 2009, 4:21 pm: Slight humiliation #352: Already feeling a bit self-conscious 'cos I was carrying a tray of curry across a blustery courtyard (there is no "cool" way to do this), a disaster of biblical proportions occurred when the wind took my popadom, blew it clean away and dashed it on the stony ground. Then some kids walked by and laughed, oblivious to my feelings of loss. Life is cruel, folks, life is cruel.
Sun November 15, 2009, 6:14 pm: Now kick me in the gentlemen if I'm being "male" about this but: If we want to get rid of female titles that designate marital status for no good reason, then if women just started using "Mrs" no matter what, no one could tell and "Miss" would quietly fade into history. All adding yet another option (Ms) seems to have done is give us 3 designations - married/unmarried/touchy feminist. (I'm ducking for cover, now).
Sat November 14, 2009, 12:08 pm: "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" said, apparently, Oscar Wilde (though there's no proof of this). Why? Where's the justification? 'Cos frankly: No, it's not. Slapstick is - any backwards 5 year old will laugh at someone slipping on a banana skin, but will they get the well-placed dry ironic aside? Eh? Sounds to me like a crap comeback to something that was probably extremely witty.
Wed November 11, 2009, 3:47 pm: did serious detective work today to find out where the stationery order from before the holidays had gone. So I immersed myself in the sleazy underworld of admin and finance, there was a car chase and some fisticuffs down an alleyway. Turns out the rumours of a central stationery stash are a myth, the order never went through. Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
Mon November 9, 2009, 2:15 pm: hears that various ex-kids of his will be appearing on Waterloo Road this Wednesday. This is very exciting, and I'm proper made-up for them and that. The only niggle is that... well, I've got to watch crapping Waterloo Road this Wednesday.
Sun November 8, 2009, 6:46 am: keeps hearing people say "I'm a lover, not a fighter". The two aren't mutually exclusive, y'know. I'm both. Yep. Sexy Combat.
Wed November 4, 2009, 4:27 pm: A Larry David quote: "I mean, who likes enthusiasm? It’s sickening, isn’t it? To see enthusiastic people when you’re miserable. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to ask 'How’s everything?' and hear: 'Fabulous! Things are fantastic! I feel great!' No. You want to hear: 'Ehhhh, you know.'"
Tue November 3, 2009, 12:54 pm: is SO web 2.0
Mon November 2, 2009, 2:06 pm: walked into some kind of fly holocaust today. Dead flies all over the carpet, hordes of living ones at the window... but relieved to find it's not just MY room. I don't want any cracks about my hygiene, I do not have a corpse stashed in the stationary cupboard, and no, I am not actually Beelzebub. Though I'm sure some students suspect that I am.
Sat January 2, 2010, 8:06 am: 2000 n Zen! Already the age Bill Hicks died at, this is the year I hit JESUS AGE. So I'm preparing my Sermon on The Mount* now, and if I'm not nailed to a rudimentary wooden structure for my controversial teachings by 2011, frankly I'll be disappointed.
Fri January 1, 2010, 1:47 pm: is STILL catastrophically impaired by hangover. I feel like I'm made out of dust and gravel. That's been hit over the head with a shovel and is packed too densely around the back of my eyes. You go on with 2010, I'm just going to make do with 2009 for a bit longer until I've got more energy.
Fri January 1, 2010, 9:42 am: is well hung. Over. Well hung over.
Thu December 31, 2009, 8:29 am: Tonight I'm going to sit in a chair and brood upon what I have achieved these past 10 years. Maybe draw a wall chart. Mmmm. On second thoughts, if I do that I might not make it into 2010, so I'll go out and get p!ssed instead.
Thu December 31, 2009, 7:53 am: offers a fruity, delicate taste with a bouquet of ripe fruit and spring flowers.
Wed December 30, 2009, 8:19 am: "Cointreau is both intense and gentle, warming and refreshing, bitter and sweet." What's that, ladies? You thought that was describing me? Oh, shush, ladies, stop it, you'll make me blush.
Mon December 28, 2009, 10:13 am: It says "R U 21" on the door of Focusdoitall. Clever, that, using moronic text-speak to talk to "da kidz", 'cos to them, see, that says "Excuse me, but have you attained the distinguished vintage of 21 years of age?" - Whereas to me, see, it's more likely to get the response "Didn't I own the Star-Wars figure of him?" or "Wasn't that a Prince song?"
Sun December 27, 2009, 6:41 pm: I am going out to buy cigarettes. It is 1.30 in the morning. Or at least that was what I was supposed to be doing but instead I've sat here for 15 minutes in my coat and scarf staring at this screen, and now I'm writing this. Why? Well shrug my shoulders. I have no idea. I think my life is just so exciting that I'm experiencing some sort of existential catatonia. Um.
Sat December 26, 2009, 9:39 am: reports: Strategy Of Shrugging Off Any Residual Niggling Feelings That I SHOULD Be Feeling Christmassy Results In Nice, Pleasant Christmas Shock. No cycle of faint frustration, guilt, disappointment and anti-climax that usually accompanies festive period these days... Good! Now if I can just get through New Year in the same fashion (and psychologically intact)...
Thu December 24, 2009, 5:26 pm: has got to go help Santa on his rounds now. I'll try not to leave a mess when I'm in YOUR house.
Tue December 22, 2009, 5:20 pm: The trouble with having time off at Christmas is that everyone's busy doing "Christmas", and there's all this "Christmas" to do.
Mon December 21, 2009, 9:48 am: Mmm. As a vote of no confidence in Cowell it's great, and the band, ever the champaign socialists, are giving their share of the profits to charity, but... you do know that RATM are on the same record label as Joe McElderly, don't you? You did know that, didn't you? Never play against the house, folks, the house always wins. The "Man" has got it covered every which way. No escape.
Sun December 20, 2009, 11:32 am: is drinking the coffee of decadent excess. Yeah, hey, why not have honey instead of sugar? Huh? And while we're at it, hot damn, let's use cream. And, say - a dash of rum? Is that going too far?.... I'd better keep a look out for any passing French revolutionaries, or they'll have my head. Let those £@amp;amp;amp;ers eat "cake".
Sat December 19, 2009, 3:34 pm: God, it's hard to live with myself sometimes. My neuroses exasperate even me: The problem with suddenly having time on your hands is that you start to worry over futile things that you didn't have time to worry about before. And you keep on catching yourself feeling guilty about not doing work... No, Thomas, if there's one time you DON'T have to do work it's the first weekend of the holidays, you massive, massive loon.
Fri December 18, 2009, 10:40 am: I can think about buying stuff for people now. And doing leisurely things. I bought a couple of items of extravagant food. And then I saw a tree with lights on and thought "That looks nice" - yeah, ok, I MIGHT be feeling a bit Christmas now. But in a low-key way - don't push it.
Thu December 17, 2009, 3:50 pm: will stop mentioning how exhausted and overworked I am, or how I've had to pummel myself into the ground just to get the necessary done, dammit, etc. etc. (It's getting a bit yawnsome isn't it?) But I will say tonight was my first work-free night for over two weeks. So how did I spend it? Well, stuck in my car for over an hour in Church £@%&ing Stretton, and then crashed out asleep until now. "Yay". Party.
Tue December 15, 2009, 1:28 pm: You know when you turn your digital camera off and on again to get that last bit of juice in the batteries to last a bit longer? You know when you shake your dying lighter to try n conjure up those final fumes? Well that's what it feels like I've been doing to my brain that last couple of days... concentration gone? Stand up, slap your face, chug some coffee... ah, see, another 25 mins in me yet...
Sun December 13, 2009, 7:20 am: "Greek breakfast" (coffee and cigarettes) at 1pm; An hour or so putting off marking (ie. now); marking 'til 7ish; Big tea with the folks; More marking 'til mental shut-down in the small hours... ah, yes, it must be Sunday. - God didn't have to put up with this kind of malarkey, He made sure He had a nice rest (I'm obviously not as efficient a deity).
Sat December 12, 2009, 9:58 am: Hello, everyone. Hello.... Mmm, I just felt like saying hello. Hi there.
Fri December 11, 2009, 12:27 pm: CAN read Lady Gaga's poker face.
Wed December 9, 2009, 4:02 pm: fancies getting some leather gloves. Where does one buy leather gloves?
Sun December 6, 2009, 9:47 am: is not Christmas's target audience or marketing demographic, anymore. I feel kind of like I do about "Twilight: New Moon" - yeah, I COULD show some interest in it, but it's not FOR the likes of me, is it? I await my 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve, see if they can convince me otherwise.
Sat December 5, 2009, 10:41 am: want's to know why it's suddenly everyone's birthday this week? When did that happen?
Thu December 3, 2009, 3:35 pm: won first prize in a raffle yesterday. What did I win, y'say? Well, gather round, reader, let me tell you: I won a slip of paper informing me that the raffle holder wasn't going to give me my prize because she wanted to keep it herself. Charming. This is possibly the most outrageous behaviour I have ever fallen victim to - so much so that it kept me chuckling for the rest of the day... thanks Soph.
Tue December 1, 2009, 4:48 pm: The box that was asking me to turn myself into a cartoon is now asking me to go Santa myself. I don't know what this means, but it sounds damn rude. And when it comes to inventing new pointless ways to distract oneself from the futility of existence, this has got to take the "biscuit"... Oh, wait, that could refer to facebook in general, couldn't it?
Tue December 1, 2009, 3:14 pm: I grew my winter coat too soon, and now I'm not feeling the benefit.
Mon November 30, 2009, 5:10 pm: doesn't really understand why the box at the side there keeps demanding I turn myself into a cartoon. Or why this is considered a life-enhancing thing to do.
Sat November 28, 2009, 7:30 pm: Please do not read this sentence.
Wed November 25, 2009, 11:53 am: is holding illness at bay with overwork. Not the most functional strategy, but I've not got much choice in the matter.
Tue November 24, 2009, 4:53 pm: and Pip Bayley may have been mistaken for a gay couple when shopping "together" at ASDA this weekend. Secretly I didn't mind though - at least I'm being mistaken for a functioning adult in a healthy relationship as opposed to a lonesome loser with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than shop for groceries 'cos all his friends are doing "couple things". Yeah, ok, the latter wouldn't really be a "mistake".
Sun November 22, 2009, 11:13 am: Advertising B.S. detector #2: LG LED TV ad - Ah yes, the existential ennui of modern rat-race life. What, pray tell, is the solution to this grinding daily dispair? A £*%$ing FLATSCREEN TELLY. Of course! Buy stuff! With tokens from your monotonous stifling grey job! Jesus £*amp;amp;amp;ing wept, where's Karl Marx when you need him?
Sat November 21, 2009, 10:45 am: Children in need is a wonderful thing. But I never actually want to watch any of it, because I'm unsettled by the fact that I can't tell whether the smiles are real or not.
Fri November 20, 2009, 2:00 pm: does not currently own a pair of "lounge pants"/"slouch trousers". After admiring the astonishing array of multi-coloured multi-patterned hosiery on display today, I feel this may have been an oversight.
Wed November 18, 2009, 3:23 pm: Them "Killers" lot have got their work cut out for them if they want to convince me that lines like "Are we human, or are we dancer? My signs are vital, my hands are cold" aren't pure meaningless pretentious bullshit.
Mon November 16, 2009, 4:21 pm: Slight humiliation #352: Already feeling a bit self-conscious 'cos I was carrying a tray of curry across a blustery courtyard (there is no "cool" way to do this), a disaster of biblical proportions occurred when the wind took my popadom, blew it clean away and dashed it on the stony ground. Then some kids walked by and laughed, oblivious to my feelings of loss. Life is cruel, folks, life is cruel.
Sun November 15, 2009, 6:14 pm: Now kick me in the gentlemen if I'm being "male" about this but: If we want to get rid of female titles that designate marital status for no good reason, then if women just started using "Mrs" no matter what, no one could tell and "Miss" would quietly fade into history. All adding yet another option (Ms) seems to have done is give us 3 designations - married/unmarried/touchy feminist. (I'm ducking for cover, now).
Sat November 14, 2009, 12:08 pm: "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" said, apparently, Oscar Wilde (though there's no proof of this). Why? Where's the justification? 'Cos frankly: No, it's not. Slapstick is - any backwards 5 year old will laugh at someone slipping on a banana skin, but will they get the well-placed dry ironic aside? Eh? Sounds to me like a crap comeback to something that was probably extremely witty.
Wed November 11, 2009, 3:47 pm: did serious detective work today to find out where the stationery order from before the holidays had gone. So I immersed myself in the sleazy underworld of admin and finance, there was a car chase and some fisticuffs down an alleyway. Turns out the rumours of a central stationery stash are a myth, the order never went through. Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
Mon November 9, 2009, 2:15 pm: hears that various ex-kids of his will be appearing on Waterloo Road this Wednesday. This is very exciting, and I'm proper made-up for them and that. The only niggle is that... well, I've got to watch crapping Waterloo Road this Wednesday.
Sun November 8, 2009, 6:46 am: keeps hearing people say "I'm a lover, not a fighter". The two aren't mutually exclusive, y'know. I'm both. Yep. Sexy Combat.
Wed November 4, 2009, 4:27 pm: A Larry David quote: "I mean, who likes enthusiasm? It’s sickening, isn’t it? To see enthusiastic people when you’re miserable. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to ask 'How’s everything?' and hear: 'Fabulous! Things are fantastic! I feel great!' No. You want to hear: 'Ehhhh, you know.'"
Tue November 3, 2009, 12:54 pm: is SO web 2.0
Mon November 2, 2009, 2:06 pm: walked into some kind of fly holocaust today. Dead flies all over the carpet, hordes of living ones at the window... but relieved to find it's not just MY room. I don't want any cracks about my hygiene, I do not have a corpse stashed in the stationary cupboard, and no, I am not actually Beelzebub. Though I'm sure some students suspect that I am.
Wed October 28, 2009, 11:18 am: is so God-damn terminally bored of vampires. Stupid pantomime posturing grr-aren't-we-dark-n-cool-n-scary-n-sexy metal band rejects in stupid superficial cliche regurgitating adolescent goth wish-fulfillment bollox. They're supposed to be centuries old immortals, so why do they act like stupid adolescent goth metal band rejects? Can't we come up with some new gothic horror ideas? I was tired of this sh*t in 2003.
Mon October 26, 2009, 6:45 pm: has got to go, he's got an egg on.
Fri October 23, 2009, 12:53 pm: Advertising B.S. detector #1: "National Geographic has experienced some of the worlds most authentic and natural smelling fragrances." (Ambi-pur air fresheners). How exactly is a WHIFF "authentic"? Is there real Alaskan glacier in that box? Does it refuse to put on a front trying to smell like what it's not? Has it always remembered it's roots even though it's rich and successful now? IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
Thu October 22, 2009, 4:13 pm: Well, question time, eh? Was a bit like Jerry Springer at times... hee hee, good telly. Seriously, though folks: While I may have a reputation for making light of such serious issues, that is precisely the point - you will never, ever convince me to take anyone with rigid, militant, extremist views seriously enough to throw my lot in with them. I'm just too fundamentally the wry devil's-advocate-playing cynic.
Wed October 21, 2009, 10:21 am: Non-existant turns of phrase #2: To "Diet Pepsi" an item - To annoyingly put the bottle/box/bag/packaging back in the fridge/cupboard/pantry even though it is empty. Michael j. Fox has clearly done this with his bottle of Diet Pepsi in the "legendary" 80's ad. eg. "I looked in thecupboard only to find that somebody had Diet Pepsi'd the mince pies".
Mon October 19, 2009, 4:24 pm: has learnt, in one of the more pointless ongoing staff-room conversations, that "lime green" is not simply any pale, light green, but a specific bright, luminous yellowy-green tone that should not be confused with "olive", "apple", "meadow" or, er, "frog". Consider me educated.
Fri October 16, 2009, 12:40 pm: curiously found a pair of unused blue rubber gloves (of the type you get at petrol stations) in the boot of his car the other day, that he has never laid eyes on before. How they got there is a serious @mYSteRy@, and I'm slightly disturbed by their presence. This either means 1) Someone is trying to frame me for murder; or 2) I am Tyler Durden.
Thu October 15, 2009, 3:16 pm: 's rotten, rotten, rotten luck. F*&$in' luck.
Wed October 14, 2009, 12:10 pm: does not use emoticons, so you will have to interpret as you will. Mainly because I've not yet found emoticons for 1) gleeful sarcasm 2) dry irony 3) the knowing look 4) wild surmise. Frankly all of my written output comes under one of those. And everything that comes out of cake-hole, too.
Mon October 12, 2009, 11:42 am: Hey all you miserable single folks out there! If you really want to feel the icy wind of lonely oblivion howl through your soul, just take a look at this fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Falling-asleep-while-cuddling/81785496623?ref=nf Go on, treat yourself, take a look. I think I was just sick in my mouth a little.
Sat October 10, 2009, 11:38 am: feels the time has come to DO SOMETHING about the squalid Dickensian hovel that is his bedroom. Nothing MOVES in there. It just gets put in endless space-devouring piles that stratify and fossilise for years. Don't get me wrong, it's never going to be sleek, Spartan and functional (this is ME after all) but it could at least be a more clean, pleasant and roomy Dickensian hovel.
Thu October 8, 2009, 10:48 am: The more party conference bullshit rhetoric I hear, the more sympathetic I get with Plato's "beast" analogy for democracy. Me n the Ledge are thinking of instigating a dictatorship - who's up for it?
Wed October 7, 2009, 3:36 pm: has co-written and delivered "the funniest line in Canada", apparently. But it's too rude and offensive to print here, and anyway, makes no sense at all out of context.
Tue October 6, 2009, 1:56 pm: Estimated time between nasal drippage events is currently approximately 2 seconds less than the time it takes me to put a tissue in the bin in the kitchen and run upstairs to get another tissue. Dammit.
Mon October 5, 2009, 4:03 pm: would like to use his noggin for various tasks such as breathing, eating, participating in sparkling conversation and thinking very hard about issues of extreme, profound importance to mankind - but my noggin has decided its one purpose in life is to be a snot generating machine. Stupid noggin.
Sun October 4, 2009, 11:03 am: has two sugars in his coffee. I'm not sweet enough already. Infact I'm very, very bitter.
Fri October 2, 2009, 10:32 am: Don't cross the road whilst talking in the phone, kids. You might have enough attention to deal with the traffic, but you might not notice that there's NO PAVEMENT on the other side, just a grassy verge and I had walk BACK ACROSS the road like an complete idiot. I mean YOU'LL have to. I didn't do that, obviously. Obviously.
Thu October 1, 2009, 11:09 am: "Who's she going out with now? The Dalai Lama?" - as overheard snippets of conversation go, that's brilliant - though I have no idea who it was referring to or what prompted such a sarcastic comment, it still made me smile for almost two minutes.
Tue September 29, 2009, 3:51 pm: accidentally found himself in the "adult cereals" section at Sainsburys. Didn't know where to look - I kid you not, there really is an "adult cereals" section. Bit racy for my tastes, I'll stick with Coco-pops, thank you very much.
Sun September 27, 2009, 12:17 pm: thinks, frankly, anything over 40" is £@$#ing ridiculous.
Sat September 26, 2009, 7:08 am: still blames Madonna for Britney Spears' meltdown. "Come on Britney lose control" said she when they did that song together. Britney took her literally. The reality of "losing control" ain't so cool and sexy as it sounds, is it, eh?
Fri September 25, 2009, 10:40 am: Make sure that's a TAXI number you got out of the yellow pages, not a TAXIDERMIST. When you roll out of a club "tired and emotional", expecting a quick and convenient whizz home to bed, the last thing you want is a guy to rock up with an array of stuffed animals instead. That's the last thing you want.
Mon September 21, 2009, 5:13 pm: is now terrified he's going to get the call from Gok to go on "how to look good naked" because 1) the sheer wrongness of my students putting me up for it would probably appeal to most TV producers and 2) I'd be sorely, sorely tempted to actually do it, which would be even more wrong. But it won't happen - Gok'll take one look and say "There's nothing I can teach this man. He looks too good already." You know it.
Sun September 20, 2009, 3:55 pm: is staring a stark, dangerous proposition in the face. Previously dismissed such things as an absurdity; idea alone causes revolt in the very core of my being... but today, weary and drained like half hour-old chewing-gum, it seems less peverse, even INVITING... am I actually going to do this? Yes. The fabled EARLY NIGHT is calling. Am I becoming - gasp! - a responsible adult? *SHUDDER*. The horror, the horror.
Wed September 16, 2009, 2:31 pm: is actually really quite a vain man. So vain, infact, that I probably think that song is about me. Don't I? Don't I? ...which is kind of paradoxical since I'm also acutely aware how absurd my vanity is, especially for someone as resolutely low-maintenance as myself. But the picture on my new ID badge looks hellish suave, and yes, I am pleased, and yes, it does matter. What an idiot.
Tue September 15, 2009, 12:11 pm: There appears to have been a REALITY ERROR - I'm certain Keith Floyd died years ago, so how he can just have died again is beyond me. Anyway none too happy to see him or Swayze go. Could have done with both of them sticking around.
Mon September 14, 2009, 3:25 pm: The Penguin Guide to Punctuation says: " 'Norway has applied for EC membership, Sweden is expected to do the same.' ...there are two complete statements here, but the first one has been punctuated only with a comma. This is not possible." Well, clearly it is possible. It just happened. Look, it's right there, you can read it and everything.
Sun September 13, 2009, 11:58 am: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #3: "You wanna play me then you better get this: I got 15 different versions of Tetris!"
Sat September 12, 2009, 10:14 am: honestly loved being fed an hour of head-mess bullshit by Derron Brown - feel like I've been hustled, but found the experience delicious all the same, which I know is a bit peverse. It's not about the trick itself, it's all about how you dress it up, folks.
Fri September 11, 2009, 2:09 pm: FORMALLY WELCOMES LITTLE REES IN TO THE WORLD! Hello little Rees.
Thu September 10, 2009, 4:40 pm: will be 'trested to see what my mate Derron has to say about his lottery shenanigans tomorrow. If it was just slight of hand or camera trickery I'll be disappointed... but that's not what he does - it's got to be cleverer than that. What I really want to know is - did he buy a ticket?
Wed September 9, 2009, 2:21 pm: was hassled by teenage girls at Sainbury's cash point this evening. They seemed disappointed that they didn't phase me one bit - but then, they weren't to know that my day job involves being hassled by teenage girls... ad nauseum.
Tue September 8, 2009, 5:19 pm: has no idea why a copy of "perfect wedding" magazine has appeared in his house. When I said I was going to marry myself I WAS joking. But maybe "myself" has other ideas... I have been acting kind of funny around me lately...
Mon September 7, 2009, 3:27 pm: needs a stiff restorative drink to strengthen the sinews and summon up the blood. Hot damn, it's time for Work Thomas to step up to the plate. Long, hard, insane term ahead - here we go again. Bring it!
Sat September 5, 2009, 6:56 pm: Non-existent turns of phrase #1: "Like a cat with a door" - cat may have no real desire to go through the door, but if it's shut, simply cannot leave it alone. Once cat knows it's open, cat will wander off without further thought of that portal and find another closed door to worry about. People can be like this too - not with doors, I mean - I'm being metaphorical, kids!
Wed September 2, 2009, 6:07 pm: has another pointless project to make life more interesting - just made an xl spreadsheet to log my moods, sleep patterns and nature of events in my life against the phase of the moon. Yes, really. Let's see if there's anything in it at all... though I expect all it will tell me is that I'm a consistently morose, sleep deprived neurotic. Next up: sun-spot activity vs. the fluctuating popularity of Girls Aloud.
Mon August 31, 2009, 9:06 am: "It's getting better every day" sing the Mamas and the Papas on that advert for beds. Who would sing such a rotten, smug thing on the last day of the summer holidays? Don't they know I've got to go back to work tomorrow? Don't they know there's a credit crunch on? Have they no common human decency?
Sun August 30, 2009, 9:08 am: Wedding shouts to Giss n Gaynor! I'm on my way, and I'm getting togged up sharp, mind. Watch you don't cut yo'self.
Sat August 29, 2009, 11:43 am: is not used to being the drunkest person in the room. I think I compared Jesus to Timothy Leary last night (hey, kids, drop out and follow me!), questioned His work ethic, accused the Buddha of being a world weary escapist pessimist and speculated that they both might have been gay. No one asked me to do this, and it didn't help my card game. Blasphemy never does.
Thu August 27, 2009, 5:54 pm: is looking upon you with wild surmise. (You know what wild surmise looks like.)
Tue August 25, 2009, 3:06 pm: has reached that time of year when "things I was supposed to do to make my life easier before the new school year" suddenly pop into one's noggin at an alarming rate and JUST KEEP ON COMING to the extent that one realises there is no possible way they will all happen before the start of term. Ah, boobies.
Sat August 22, 2009, 11:56 am: is so glad X-Factor is back for another weary, sisyphean round. Ah! The sound of Cowell's cynical corporate juggernaut chewing up and spitting out naive, vulnerable people for the sake of a bit of manipulative, pantomime, tabloid "emotional" human drama to rake in the ratings. And that's just the winners... "what a wonderful world" indeed. So £*%&in' glad.
Fri August 21, 2009, 12:05 pm: is back from Venice, it's all canals and art and churches n that. My keks were hip, my Euros are gone and I didn't wear socks. I don't have a tan. I seem to be incapable of getting a tan. Most of us ghostly white types burn easily, but my undead palour seems to be fire-proof. Ah, well, pale is aristocratic, I'll leave ruddy tans for the peasants who have to work in fields with the sun beating down n that.
Sun August 16, 2009, 3:30 am: is going to Venus for the next few days, it's all canals and art and churches and that. Got some hip new keks and a fist full of Euros and don't plan on wearing socks most of the time if I can help it. Will report back. (Venice, I meant Venice).
Sat August 15, 2009, 4:24 am: is ever so slightly misty-eyed at saying goodbye to all the Concord folks for another year. I even had a strange dream about you all last night. Don't worry, there were no inappropriately erotic Freudian overtones. At least not as far as my conscious self is aware.
Thu August 13, 2009, 8:08 pm: ponders how a bit of light and warmth makes one stretch out and relax compared to one's huddled-up winter self, hiding in one's den in layers of clothing as a defence against the world. No surprise that people from hot countries are reknowned for being more physically and emotionally open and less tense and guarded and stand-offish than us up-tight Northern Europeans. It's the weather. Simple as that.
Wed August 12, 2009, 7:36 pm: feels bittersweet towards the Shrewsbury Flower Show because, readers, living in this town as long as I have, it has always for me marked the End of Summer. Once them fireworks are upon us you know that, like David Bowie in the 80's, there may be some good stuff still to come, but frankly we all know the best is behind us now.
Tue August 11, 2009, 8:48 pm: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #2: "Snap your fingers, I can't snap mine/Some *&^%$£"!*& has got to keep time/I used to crack my knuckles but that weren't nice/I still bite my nails and that's a vice..." (Stevie Touch and the Lonesomes - "Snap Your Finders [I Can't Snap Mine]")
Sun August 9, 2009, 2:37 pm: has been criminally neglecting the Acapulco shirts this summer. What have I been thinking? Where's my head been at? Where ARE all my Hawaiin's? Time to dig them out, dust them off and WEAR the muthaf**kas.
Fri August 7, 2009, 8:00 pm: says: Whoah, yeah. Another good night catching up with folks at Concord... sorry I had to leave while things were still in full swing, sorry I didn't say goodbye to everyone, or even get to talk to everyone properly - too many people and too little time... and sorry I'm currently too inebriated to do much more than apologise about stuff I probably don't need to apologis about. But still... Mmm... Whoah, yeah.
Thu August 6, 2009, 2:03 pm: has today done NOTHING - NOTHING AT ALL. If you're wondering just how little that is, it's about as much as Bros owe "you".
Tue August 4, 2009, 7:26 am: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #1 "Oh whoah, oh Suzy my sweet baby/I ain't gonna be home for dinner tonight/Them eggs will be lonesome, it ain't so easy/'Cos the stomach they would fill is on the asphalt by the traffic lights." (Stevie Touch and the Lonesomes - Suzy Eggs Shawadywady)
Sat August 1, 2009, 8:00 pm: really doesn't know WHAT TO DO in nightclubs anymore - making a prick of oneself on the dancefloor has lost it's appeal, charming conversation is effectively impossible, "pulling" is frankly absurd, and I'm hardly likely to kick back and "enjoy the music". So. "Wander about like a bored, surly, caged animal" it is, then. Can we go now?
Wed July 29, 2009, 11:28 am: Nietzschean chat up lines #1: "Do you not think that together each of us will be better and more free than either of us could be alone? Will you dare to come with me on all the paths of living and thinking?" - actual lines old N. used in a letter to a "ladyfriend". Appalling as a pick-up, obviously, but I actually think the sentiment is not bad, not bad at all...
Tue July 28, 2009, 2:10 pm: has spent the day reading, ruminating and whistfully daydreaming about what might be and what never was. Will return to the real world tomorrow. Or maybe not.
Sun July 26, 2009, 8:17 am: underwhelmed by how unimaginative people's "I have never" statements are when playing the drinking game "I have never". Always the same old crap. How about "I have never shared a sleeping bag with Archbishop Desmond Tutu/attained Buddhahood/danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight/hastened a Slow Loris/resurrected for the sins of mankind"?
Wed July 22, 2009, 8:26 am: Just brilliant to see everyone at Concord last night! Yes, my plan to leave around midnight went quite radically sideways, but it meant I got the full, authentic Concord experience - up to and including the "massively-sleep-deprived-breakfast-hall-scenario". Almost tempted to get on the bus to Alton Towers with everyone. No one would have noticed.
Tue July 21, 2009, 10:46 am: Ok. Rumours of my untimely demise were, perhaps, exaggerated... yet again a week of feeling all run down like I'm about to come down with something, only for nothing at all to materialise. I feel cheated - why can't I just hunker down and get on with being ill?
Sun July 19, 2009, 8:46 am: feels very odd. Very odd indeed. Very odd. Either someone slipped me something while I slept, and this is the first rising vibes of an acid frenzy, or the pig flu has finally got me. So this may be it, folks. A tearful "adeu!" to my public... and I always thought I'd die in Paris...
Sat July 18, 2009, 9:38 am: Mother recently revealed to me that as a newborn I was incredibly hard to get to go to sleep. I would have my "screaming time" around 1am and finally drift off around 3 and sleep through until 11. This was jaw-dropping, because it all sounded very familiar. This is what my bodyclock defaults to still, if I let it. And my "screaming time" is the same too.
Fri July 17, 2009, 10:40 am: is finished. Done.
Tue July 14, 2009, 12:29 pm: formally wlecomes The Ledge and Baulty back onto home soil after their 3 week tour of the States, and expects an informative and entertaining talk with slides and "funny stories" this weekend on what they "found out".
Mon July 13, 2009, 10:15 am: Thunderstorm over the Caradoc on the way home! Raaaahh! Made me want to stride out over the mountain tops and conduct the lightning with maniacal glee to summon the Elder Gods from their aeon-spanning slumber just beyond the fragile walls of this insignificant dimensional reality. But it was a bit wet, like, so I stayed in the car.
Sat July 11, 2009, 2:54 pm: has fallen off his chair AGAIN. One minute I'm going about my business at the computer, the next my ass is on the carpet and I'm looking at the underside of the desk. Got to get this chair fixed, all this kicking about on the deck is kind of undignified, y'know?
Sat July 11, 2009, 2:01 pm: "Grief was the only rational response to the news that an employee had spent three months devising a supermarket promotion based on an offer of stickers of cartoon characters called the Fimbles... Were there not more important ambitions to be met before Death showed himself on the horizon in his hooded black cloak, his scythe slung over his shoulder?"
Mon July 6, 2009, 4:40 pm: 's hair has been naturally arranging itself into a paint-brush fringe for the past week or so, much to his amusement. This couldn't last. It has finally collapsed under it's own weight now, prefering to gesture towards the turf than the heavens, and will not be persuaded stand erect without artificial assistance.
Sun July 5, 2009, 10:33 am: feels pretty high of brow after contributing plenty to 5 quick lectures and discussions on: free will and the self, the ability of evolution to explain what humanity is, technological enhancement of the brian and body and the impact of technology on social relationships.
Thu July 2, 2009, 12:20 pm: A shout out to all the Concord College returneees! Who there and who's square? I'm obviously square, but a visit or two must be arrranged at some point (I'm only down the road)... I'm feeling tired in sympathy with you all...
Mon June 29, 2009, 1:46 pm: "Some like it hot, and some sweat when the heat is on" says Robert Palmer and the Power Station. Yes, Robert, quite so. Since you're interested, Robert, though I've never been a sun-worshipper as such, I have no complaints about the heat. It makes me feel loose and well-oiled.
Sun June 28, 2009, 5:30 pm: wonders how many bands smashed up their instruments at Glastonbury this year? Jeez, at least find an original way to do it... now if they smashed 'em up in spontaneous un-orchestrated rage two songs into the set, THAT would be impressive. The rest of the set might be a little disappointing, however...
Sun June 28, 2009, 8:37 am: spends most of the week noting things to do when he gets a free moment, and wishing he had the time and energy to do them. Then, when he gets a free moment, he doesn't feel like doing any of them anymore, does none of them (even though he has nothing better to do) and then feels listless and frustrated. What's the score with that?
Sat June 27, 2009, 10:46 am: Is enjoying everyone's Micheal Jackson two-penneth in their status updates, a heady mix of heartfelt tributes and a dazzling array of black gags. Nothing more to add, really, except, I, of course, am pondering what Nietzsche would have made of Micheal Jackson's value system.
Fri June 26, 2009, 12:11 pm: feels he should make wise-assed, timely comment on MJ's shocking demise, but is wary of being glib and inappropriate. He was a human being after all. But, screw it, I don't believe for a second that it was a naturally occuring heart attack, in fact I'm not even convinced he's actually dead...
Tue June 23, 2009, 2:28 pm: had an extremely agreeable birthday weekend, capped off by Ghostbusters on the big screen - for one night only, which happened to be my birthday (some kind of synchronicity there - they clearly put it on just for me). The terrifying spectre of death is one year closer.
Sun June 21, 2009, 8:22 am: Biblical chat-up lines #3: "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead."; Biblical chat-up lines #4: "The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon."; Biblical chat-up lines #5: "Your temples behind your veil are like two halves of a pomegranate". You get the idea.
Fri June 19, 2009, 10:33 am: Biblical chat-up lines #2: "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies." (Song of Solomon 4:5) Racy stuff.
Thu June 18, 2009, 4:00 pm: Biblical chat-up lines #1: "Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing." (Song of Solomon 4:2)
Mon June 15, 2009, 9:50 am: Is still chuckling over the term "reverse boustrophedon". He would have incredible trouble explaining to anyone just why he finds this is so amusing.
Sun June 14, 2009, 11:02 am: is inscribed using a reverse boustrophedon.
Wed June 10, 2009, 4:18 pm: is teaching political philosophy. Considering doing "ideologies week": Communism Day where we call each other "comrade" and put "The People's..." in front of everything; Capitalism Day where they have to stomp on each other for profit; Anarchy Day, where they ignore all the rules; Fascism Day where they persecute some ethnic... on second thoughts, maybe not Fascism Day.
Sat June 6, 2009, 1:31 pm: feels sorry for Horatio. "Alas! poor Yorick. I knew him, HORATIO;" and "There are more things in heaven and earth, HORATIO, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." are how those quotes ACTUALLY go. Poor old Horatio is excised from not one, but TWO famous quotes. What bum rap. "No, really, he was talking to ME when he said that..."
Thu June 4, 2009, 5:26 pm: eats a lot of fish. But it's not enough. I need to eat more fish. There are too many fish in the world that I'm not eating. Say, I've just about exhausted mackrel and haddock, and I'm getting sick of salmon now too. Any other good fish I can try? I mean good, tasty, fish. Open to suggestions.
Tue June 2, 2009, 4:23 pm: It was destiny, y’say? So things turned out pretty good for you, then, huh? ‘Cos let’s face it, no one blathers about that BS when things have gone tits up – that’d be like admitting the gods obviously hate you.
Mon June 1, 2009, 2:16 pm: Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. I got to say it was a good day.
Sun May 31, 2009, 1:28 pm: is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (Yes, there was a Gideons in my hotel room).
Thu May 28, 2009, 4:14 am: 's milk is slightly on the turn. No, that's not a euphemism, or a metaphor, my actual milk, in the fridge, is actually slightly on the turn. What the hell did you think I meant?
Tue May 26, 2009, 2:32 pm: In the cineworld ad before the trailers a guy says "I like my movies to take me to the edge of adventure... and beyond!" Now what does that MEAN exactly, cineworld? Where IS the "edge" of adventure, and how does one go "beyond" it? Does that mean going INTO adventure or PAST it? Can one set up a deckchair at the edge and eat sandwiches?
Tue May 26, 2009, 6:54 am: is considering how bonkers the phrase "a short space of time" is when you really think about it. Is it some kind of Einstein reference?
Mon May 25, 2009, 5:16 am: is just this guy, y'know?
Fri May 22, 2009, 3:00 pm: rocks up, some s*** goes down and it all kicks off.
Tue May 19, 2009, 3:04 pm: The TV said: Oldest missing link fossil gets "the scientists" excited. I said: Who are "The Scientists"? Are they a pop group? The Ledge said: I bet it doesn't get the creationists excited. They'll probably say it was "drawn by a boy".
Sat May 16, 2009, 4:12 pm: voted for Portugal because it made me feel warm inside. Yes, I watched Eurovison. No, I'm not gay.
Wed May 13, 2009, 2:36 pm: has noticed that swine flu has failed to achieve box-office gold like the media was "hoping". Have I been affecting this face-mask for nothing? You'll see - come the autumn only me, Michael Jackson and Altern8 will be left alive! You'll see.
Sun May 10, 2009, 5:14 am: "The angelic chatter of bells pealed out over the dreaming vale, loud, bright and sharp like a well-dressed Timmy Mallet."
Fri May 8, 2009, 6:44 pm: (noun): A temporary resting place for strays and wastrels.
Tue May 5, 2009, 3:54 pm: (noun): A spiky, brittle, over-complicated thing, built upon a mushy blancmange of soppy infantile neediness.
Tue April 28, 2009, 1:11 pm: enjoys watching formulaic films so he can snort "huh, writes itself" every time something cliched happens.
Mon April 27, 2009, 2:50 pm: Things occurring with unusual frequency today: 1) Cars in front of me taking right turns on the way to work. God damn it. 2) Oiky yoofs on VERY SMALL bicycles on the way back from work (3! That's 3. Count 'em.) Is there some fad for VERY SMALL bikes I'm not aware of?
Thu April 23, 2009, 5:22 pm: is a global fiscal stimulus
Sun April 19, 2009, 6:48 am: was sitting in the garden with a cup of coffee and over heard his neighbours doing Abba karaoke (just lovely). Noticed for the first time that the lyrics to "I have a dream" repeatedly say "I'LL CROSS THE STREAMS, I have a dream." Never realised that Abba battled Gozer the Destructor.
Thu April 16, 2009, 11:05 am: is amusing himself by coming up with jokes that have such obvious punchlines that they go beyond crap and are barely jokes at all: What is a camel's favourate cigarettes? Camel lights. What is a cat's favourate chocolate bar? A Kitkat. Which band wrote the first book of the Bible? Genesis. If it doesn't get a weary sigh, you're not doing it right.
Sat April 11, 2009, 7:55 am: Eggs. Oh yeah, it's Easter, put eggs on everything. CHOCOLATE eggs. Why? Cos it's Easter, the egg time of year. No one knows or cares why - if you push em they'll dredge their memories for some frankly tangential link with Jesus dying n that, but it's really 'COS WE LIKE CHOCOLATE EGGS.
Wed April 8, 2009, 10:40 am: saw a busker playing what at first sounded like "Don't worry, be happy" by Bobby McFerrin. A guy started over as if to throw some money, and it then became clear it was actually "What's going on" by 4 Non-Blondes. The guy stopped in his tracks and wandered off again, disgusted. Can't say I blame him.
Sat April 4, 2009, 12:15 pm: has run himself into the ground again and the system is crashing alarmingly... Still, two weeks now with absolutely NOTHING to do - O! Blessed relief.
Wed April 1, 2009, 2:34 pm: says: Come on now! As if facebook would only be able to monitor profile usage by sending around... a chain letter! I ain't sending that thing to no-one. (Shame on you, Amos).
Thu March 26, 2009, 1:38 pm: was given the option of 3 colours for his free mini laptop. He was dared to get a pink one, so he got a pink one. Seemed funny at the time. Now it just sits there, all pink, casting aspersions on his manhood and making him feel like some kind of pervert.
Sun March 22, 2009, 4:30 pm: bought a Momiji for his mum. The box said "I like Dexy's Midnight Runners" on the side. Thomas has no idea why.
Sat March 21, 2009, 8:40 am: has various things to get amongst, but will be with you once he's got amongst them.
Wed March 18, 2009, 6:38 pm: is joking, of course...
Sun March 15, 2009, 5:56 pm: is a right old h-boss
Sat March 14, 2009, 11:00 am: sometimes walks upright on his hind legs
Thu March 12, 2009, 1:34 pm: is clearly maladapted to life. And makes for a crap adult.
Sun March 8, 2009, 5:25 pm: ain't got TIME for THAT jive!
Sat February 21, 2009, 8:20 pm: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fri February 20, 2009, 11:02 am: has fixed the boiler all on his own and is consequently feeling hellish manly. Maybe I'll go and buy some powertools or tinker about under the car bonnet next
Thu February 19, 2009, 6:55 am: has gone to London to see the Queen. Or "queeny" as Ali prefers to be called.
Mon February 16, 2009, 6:29 am: 's face has "always seemed to me like a chord that nature has sounded in just the right way"
Wed February 11, 2009, 5:37 pm: asks: What're you doing for valentines day? I plan to go boil myself in a vat of my own rage, bile and despair. £*%&ing valentines day.
Sun February 8, 2009, 5:23 pm: says riddle me this: Question: "I have a mouth but do not speak; I have a bed but do not sleep." What am I? Answer: Nicholas Lyndhurst
Thu February 5, 2009, 2:22 pm: , on reading "Existentialism is a Humanism" concludes that existentialism is... wait for it... a humanism
Tue February 3, 2009, 2:44 pm: thinks: The informer (snow) has melted away with a satisfied smile on its face, its work here done. Thanks, snow, for a couple of days of well-needed slack
Mon February 2, 2009, 10:30 am: thinks: Informer. You-no-say-daddy-me snow.
Fri January 30, 2009, 2:59 pm: thinks: Aw, goddamn Friday night again, another weekend to get through... Hang on, that doesn't seem right, does it?
Mon January 26, 2009, 3:41 pm: left a sense of urgency by the door and The Ledge tripped over it on his way in
Sun January 25, 2009, 12:28 pm: is full of some delicious sad-eyed weariness and acceptful melancholia. (I don't think acceptful is actually a word).
Thu January 22, 2009, 5:59 pm: knows what the piste state in Obergurgl is. Didn't want to know, but the telly told me anyway.
Wed January 21, 2009, 4:48 pm: gets surpirsed and baffled at actually feeling quite warm and glowy tonight. Why? Who knows the frankly unfathomable whims of my brain chemistry.
Wed January 21, 2009, 4:46 pm: gets surpirsed and baffled at actually feeling quite warm and glowy tonight. Had almost forgotten how that felt.
Sun January 18, 2009, 7:40 am: says balls to it all. And then some. Balls. A crapping wagon load of balls.
Wed January 14, 2009, 5:12 pm: has just learnt that David Bowie is responsible for the credit crunch. He should never have killed Ziggy Stardust.
Mon January 12, 2009, 5:43 pm: is comforted by the return of the rain like an old soggy friend. I am aware this is a strange thing to say, and a strange way to feel about some crappy weather.
Sun January 11, 2009, 9:05 am: has slithered back under the rock he crawled out from. Under.
Tue January 6, 2009, 2:44 pm: reports: Bottom falls out of Ghostbusters mug revealing light sensitive diode and speaker device. Device now heralds break of dawn with Ray Parker Jr.
Mon January 5, 2009, 4:19 pm: May not have been the most care-free yuletide but one still feels an intense melancholy taking the decs down. Yeah, ok, I never need much prompting for that
Sun January 4, 2009, 11:34 am: is a philosopher of the dangerous Perhaps
Fri January 2, 2009, 10:10 am: It's two thousand and FINE now, y'hear?
Wed December 31, 2008, 1:38 pm: says: Hey, isn't it about time we knocked this 2008 business on the head?
Mon December 29, 2008, 1:48 pm: says: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ubn5YEmp1Yk . That is all.
Sat December 27, 2008, 12:39 pm: 's christmas ghostbusters mug is behaving strangely
Thu December 25, 2008, 3:28 pm: writes a song. It is a festive Rock n Roll number. It is called: "Don't go out on Christmas Eve". Just a reminder to myself for next year.
Mon December 22, 2008, 8:44 am: wonders where Orientar is and why there are so many kings there
Thu December 18, 2008, 5:52 pm: is free to enjoy his hair
Tue December 16, 2008, 5:59 pm: has a million disperate urgent things to attend to brain is crashing want to cry and he's so stressed he's still banging on about it in his profile status. Wha?
Sun December 14, 2008, 10:57 am: is glad other people had a nice weekend. No really, you kick back and have a good time. I'll just curl up here with my work-pile and hideous self-pity, hahaha
Sat December 13, 2008, 1:16 pm: Got m'coffee, m'cigarettes, m'green biro. Hunkered down for an all-night exam mark-a-thon (Except I'm on facebook atm, and then I'm having a bath). High times.
Fri December 12, 2008, 12:17 pm: currently exists in the teacher's hellish twilight world where the weekend is just means more work. No time for Christmas, kids.
Wed December 10, 2008, 4:04 pm: fights evil
Mon December 8, 2008, 6:49 pm: 6. To remove the oil baffle plate, undo the retaining bolts and remove the baffle plate from the cylinder block baseplate
Wed December 3, 2008, 6:26 pm: 5. Recover the Gasket.
Tue December 2, 2008, 2:48 pm: wants to do stuff, but is actually too cold to do stuff. Even in his "house-coat". Ridiculous.
Tue December 2, 2008, 2:47 pm: wan't to do something, but is actually too cold to do something. This is ridiculous.
Sat November 29, 2008, 2:00 pm: thinks sleeping in one's clothes is the way forward - can just get up and go, none of this silly "getting dressed" business
Sun November 23, 2008, 6:05 pm: , having survived the most self-conscious week since adolescence, is cold of gob, but unbowed
Wed November 19, 2008, 3:34 pm: is calculating whether he has had enough SINCERE compliments from ladies to counteract the deep sense of unease and mild revulsion he gets looking in the mirror
Sun November 16, 2008, 6:31 am: must repent, for the end of the beard is nigh! The 4 horsemen of gillette ride forth: foam, razor, aftershave and... um... pestilence.
Sat November 15, 2008, 10:53 am: is 24 hrs away from beard apocalypse. Have bought razor and everything. I'm scared.
Fri November 14, 2008, 11:47 am: is 48 hrs away from beard apocalypse
Thu November 13, 2008, 4:12 pm: is 72 hrs away from beard apocalypse
Tue November 11, 2008, 2:07 pm: 's eyes are bigger than his belly. Big old eyes.
Sun November 9, 2008, 4:13 pm: uses "techniques"
Tue November 4, 2008, 7:03 pm: comments: US Election Night Almost as Exciting as Eurovision
Tue November 4, 2008, 12:59 pm: made his final appeal last night to a Virginia crowd estimated at 90,000, while McCain ended his election-eve sprint in his home state of Arizona at 3am.
Mon November 3, 2008, 1:14 pm: is an irony so apocalyptic I shield my eyes from its devastation
Fri October 31, 2008, 11:47 am: is going to a halloween fancy dress party as "The Credit Crunch". Pretty scary huh?
Thu October 30, 2008, 2:19 pm: had been trying to reference the credit crunch 5 times a day to keep up with the media, but now it's not a credit crunch anymore. It's a downturn.
Tue October 21, 2008, 2:45 pm: wonders what he's supposed to do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairy Lee? Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what's going to happen.
Sun October 19, 2008, 4:13 am: , that relentless machine of emotional self-abuse, is tired of being a relentless machine of emotional self-abuse. Time to put that nonsense to bed, now, eh?
Fri October 17, 2008, 1:52 pm: is spherical and smooth to the touch
Wed October 15, 2008, 11:25 am: has missed his window of haircut opportunity for another week
Thu October 9, 2008, 5:21 pm: fears this sense of ennui has settled in for the winter. Bloody ennui.
Wed October 1, 2008, 2:54 pm: , with the roar of a conquering lion, shouted "Kaa!" and was gone.
Sun September 28, 2008, 7:06 am: is inappropriate
Sat September 27, 2008, 12:02 pm: is thinking about growing his winter coat. Need to get it dry cleaned, first.
Wed September 24, 2008, 9:43 am: has had his ego massaged by students comparing him to both Wittgenstein and Doctor Who in the space of one day. That's a good day.
Sun September 21, 2008, 3:10 pm: is listening to the freshly completed album. Call it what you like, it's not got a name yet.
Tue September 16, 2008, 3:11 pm: is fitted with a dual action truss rod
Tue September 16, 2008, 3:09 pm: entertains some bizarre notions
Sat September 13, 2008, 10:29 am: says nudge don't judge. That's what he always says.
Sun September 7, 2008, 10:55 am: has built the leaning tower of piza out of Snappy Badges
Fri September 5, 2008, 2:36 pm: had the Jesus meal - just bread n fish. Didn't make 5000 of them, but you know I could've if I'd wanted, and there was a hungry mass on my doorstep
Tue September 2, 2008, 4:54 pm: 's urbane gag about the bourbon biscuits went by completely unnoticed by his work colleagues. Maybe I need better material.
Sun August 31, 2008, 11:57 am: goes back 2 skool. Like the Deftones a couple of years ago.
Sat August 30, 2008, 11:18 am: . Yes. Thomas. That's right. Yep.
Thu August 28, 2008, 5:50 pm: bore, 'midst snow and ice, a banner with the strange device "Excelsior!"
Thomas is seeking to support colleges by enabling five clusters of three colleges and identifying a coordinator to work across each cluster. Right?
05 July 2008 at 00:27
Thomas "is friends with some people"
28 June 2008 at 18:00
Thomas has a tendency
27 June 2008 at 06:28
Thomas is showing a touch of the "Innsmouth look"
26 June 2008 at 06:26
Thomas just breezed on the baloney bus
24 June 2008 at 00:49
Thomas has had a massively bi-polar year of successes and defeats, elation and despair, lazyness and stress, confidence and doubt, clean cheeks and "sides"...
21 June 2008 at 19:45
Thomas (it's pronounced "Rafe").
17 June 2008 at 22:44
Thomas is he that liveth and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and death. Got that?
12 June 2008 at 23:05
Thomas shows up with one beer, a litre of ribena and a tin of mackrel
01 June 2008 at 02:07
Thomas's frowing face fearfully peers over crossed-arm battlements
30 May 2008 at 17:25
Thomas hears a deep sound coming down from Bobby Peru
27 May 2008 at 20:29
Thomas. That's uh m'name, ya'll. Don't waste it.
22 May 2008 at 04:00
Thomas sighs and curses the Elder Gods for his deficient fingernail. Even superglue doesn't seem to be strong enough to fingerpick guitar with.
21 May 2008 at 00:14
Thomas says: "Well, hey now, nail repair glue simply isn't strong enough. Superglue it is, then. What can I have for tea?"
20 May 2008 at 02:29
Thomas bought some nail repair glue, unaided, from a cosmetics counter today.
Mon October 26, 2009, 6:45 pm: has got to go, he's got an egg on.
Fri October 23, 2009, 12:53 pm: Advertising B.S. detector #1: "National Geographic has experienced some of the worlds most authentic and natural smelling fragrances." (Ambi-pur air fresheners). How exactly is a WHIFF "authentic"? Is there real Alaskan glacier in that box? Does it refuse to put on a front trying to smell like what it's not? Has it always remembered it's roots even though it's rich and successful now? IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
Thu October 22, 2009, 4:13 pm: Well, question time, eh? Was a bit like Jerry Springer at times... hee hee, good telly. Seriously, though folks: While I may have a reputation for making light of such serious issues, that is precisely the point - you will never, ever convince me to take anyone with rigid, militant, extremist views seriously enough to throw my lot in with them. I'm just too fundamentally the wry devil's-advocate-playing cynic.
Wed October 21, 2009, 10:21 am: Non-existant turns of phrase #2: To "Diet Pepsi" an item - To annoyingly put the bottle/box/bag/packaging back in the fridge/cupboard/pantry even though it is empty. Michael j. Fox has clearly done this with his bottle of Diet Pepsi in the "legendary" 80's ad. eg. "I looked in thecupboard only to find that somebody had Diet Pepsi'd the mince pies".
Mon October 19, 2009, 4:24 pm: has learnt, in one of the more pointless ongoing staff-room conversations, that "lime green" is not simply any pale, light green, but a specific bright, luminous yellowy-green tone that should not be confused with "olive", "apple", "meadow" or, er, "frog". Consider me educated.
Fri October 16, 2009, 12:40 pm: curiously found a pair of unused blue rubber gloves (of the type you get at petrol stations) in the boot of his car the other day, that he has never laid eyes on before. How they got there is a serious @mYSteRy@, and I'm slightly disturbed by their presence. This either means 1) Someone is trying to frame me for murder; or 2) I am Tyler Durden.
Thu October 15, 2009, 3:16 pm: 's rotten, rotten, rotten luck. F*&$in' luck.
Wed October 14, 2009, 12:10 pm: does not use emoticons, so you will have to interpret as you will. Mainly because I've not yet found emoticons for 1) gleeful sarcasm 2) dry irony 3) the knowing look 4) wild surmise. Frankly all of my written output comes under one of those. And everything that comes out of cake-hole, too.
Mon October 12, 2009, 11:42 am: Hey all you miserable single folks out there! If you really want to feel the icy wind of lonely oblivion howl through your soul, just take a look at this fan page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Falling-asleep-while-cuddling/81785496623?ref=nf Go on, treat yourself, take a look. I think I was just sick in my mouth a little.
Sat October 10, 2009, 11:38 am: feels the time has come to DO SOMETHING about the squalid Dickensian hovel that is his bedroom. Nothing MOVES in there. It just gets put in endless space-devouring piles that stratify and fossilise for years. Don't get me wrong, it's never going to be sleek, Spartan and functional (this is ME after all) but it could at least be a more clean, pleasant and roomy Dickensian hovel.
Thu October 8, 2009, 10:48 am: The more party conference bullshit rhetoric I hear, the more sympathetic I get with Plato's "beast" analogy for democracy. Me n the Ledge are thinking of instigating a dictatorship - who's up for it?
Wed October 7, 2009, 3:36 pm: has co-written and delivered "the funniest line in Canada", apparently. But it's too rude and offensive to print here, and anyway, makes no sense at all out of context.
Tue October 6, 2009, 1:56 pm: Estimated time between nasal drippage events is currently approximately 2 seconds less than the time it takes me to put a tissue in the bin in the kitchen and run upstairs to get another tissue. Dammit.
Mon October 5, 2009, 4:03 pm: would like to use his noggin for various tasks such as breathing, eating, participating in sparkling conversation and thinking very hard about issues of extreme, profound importance to mankind - but my noggin has decided its one purpose in life is to be a snot generating machine. Stupid noggin.
Sun October 4, 2009, 11:03 am: has two sugars in his coffee. I'm not sweet enough already. Infact I'm very, very bitter.
Fri October 2, 2009, 10:32 am: Don't cross the road whilst talking in the phone, kids. You might have enough attention to deal with the traffic, but you might not notice that there's NO PAVEMENT on the other side, just a grassy verge and I had walk BACK ACROSS the road like an complete idiot. I mean YOU'LL have to. I didn't do that, obviously. Obviously.
Thu October 1, 2009, 11:09 am: "Who's she going out with now? The Dalai Lama?" - as overheard snippets of conversation go, that's brilliant - though I have no idea who it was referring to or what prompted such a sarcastic comment, it still made me smile for almost two minutes.
Tue September 29, 2009, 3:51 pm: accidentally found himself in the "adult cereals" section at Sainsburys. Didn't know where to look - I kid you not, there really is an "adult cereals" section. Bit racy for my tastes, I'll stick with Coco-pops, thank you very much.
Sun September 27, 2009, 12:17 pm: thinks, frankly, anything over 40" is £@$#ing ridiculous.
Sat September 26, 2009, 7:08 am: still blames Madonna for Britney Spears' meltdown. "Come on Britney lose control" said she when they did that song together. Britney took her literally. The reality of "losing control" ain't so cool and sexy as it sounds, is it, eh?
Fri September 25, 2009, 10:40 am: Make sure that's a TAXI number you got out of the yellow pages, not a TAXIDERMIST. When you roll out of a club "tired and emotional", expecting a quick and convenient whizz home to bed, the last thing you want is a guy to rock up with an array of stuffed animals instead. That's the last thing you want.
Mon September 21, 2009, 5:13 pm: is now terrified he's going to get the call from Gok to go on "how to look good naked" because 1) the sheer wrongness of my students putting me up for it would probably appeal to most TV producers and 2) I'd be sorely, sorely tempted to actually do it, which would be even more wrong. But it won't happen - Gok'll take one look and say "There's nothing I can teach this man. He looks too good already." You know it.
Sun September 20, 2009, 3:55 pm: is staring a stark, dangerous proposition in the face. Previously dismissed such things as an absurdity; idea alone causes revolt in the very core of my being... but today, weary and drained like half hour-old chewing-gum, it seems less peverse, even INVITING... am I actually going to do this? Yes. The fabled EARLY NIGHT is calling. Am I becoming - gasp! - a responsible adult? *SHUDDER*. The horror, the horror.
Wed September 16, 2009, 2:31 pm: is actually really quite a vain man. So vain, infact, that I probably think that song is about me. Don't I? Don't I? ...which is kind of paradoxical since I'm also acutely aware how absurd my vanity is, especially for someone as resolutely low-maintenance as myself. But the picture on my new ID badge looks hellish suave, and yes, I am pleased, and yes, it does matter. What an idiot.
Tue September 15, 2009, 12:11 pm: There appears to have been a REALITY ERROR - I'm certain Keith Floyd died years ago, so how he can just have died again is beyond me. Anyway none too happy to see him or Swayze go. Could have done with both of them sticking around.
Mon September 14, 2009, 3:25 pm: The Penguin Guide to Punctuation says: " 'Norway has applied for EC membership, Sweden is expected to do the same.' ...there are two complete statements here, but the first one has been punctuated only with a comma. This is not possible." Well, clearly it is possible. It just happened. Look, it's right there, you can read it and everything.
Sun September 13, 2009, 11:58 am: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #3: "You wanna play me then you better get this: I got 15 different versions of Tetris!"
Sat September 12, 2009, 10:14 am: honestly loved being fed an hour of head-mess bullshit by Derron Brown - feel like I've been hustled, but found the experience delicious all the same, which I know is a bit peverse. It's not about the trick itself, it's all about how you dress it up, folks.
Fri September 11, 2009, 2:09 pm: FORMALLY WELCOMES LITTLE REES IN TO THE WORLD! Hello little Rees.
Thu September 10, 2009, 4:40 pm: will be 'trested to see what my mate Derron has to say about his lottery shenanigans tomorrow. If it was just slight of hand or camera trickery I'll be disappointed... but that's not what he does - it's got to be cleverer than that. What I really want to know is - did he buy a ticket?
Wed September 9, 2009, 2:21 pm: was hassled by teenage girls at Sainbury's cash point this evening. They seemed disappointed that they didn't phase me one bit - but then, they weren't to know that my day job involves being hassled by teenage girls... ad nauseum.
Tue September 8, 2009, 5:19 pm: has no idea why a copy of "perfect wedding" magazine has appeared in his house. When I said I was going to marry myself I WAS joking. But maybe "myself" has other ideas... I have been acting kind of funny around me lately...
Mon September 7, 2009, 3:27 pm: needs a stiff restorative drink to strengthen the sinews and summon up the blood. Hot damn, it's time for Work Thomas to step up to the plate. Long, hard, insane term ahead - here we go again. Bring it!
Sat September 5, 2009, 6:56 pm: Non-existent turns of phrase #1: "Like a cat with a door" - cat may have no real desire to go through the door, but if it's shut, simply cannot leave it alone. Once cat knows it's open, cat will wander off without further thought of that portal and find another closed door to worry about. People can be like this too - not with doors, I mean - I'm being metaphorical, kids!
Wed September 2, 2009, 6:07 pm: has another pointless project to make life more interesting - just made an xl spreadsheet to log my moods, sleep patterns and nature of events in my life against the phase of the moon. Yes, really. Let's see if there's anything in it at all... though I expect all it will tell me is that I'm a consistently morose, sleep deprived neurotic. Next up: sun-spot activity vs. the fluctuating popularity of Girls Aloud.
Mon August 31, 2009, 9:06 am: "It's getting better every day" sing the Mamas and the Papas on that advert for beds. Who would sing such a rotten, smug thing on the last day of the summer holidays? Don't they know I've got to go back to work tomorrow? Don't they know there's a credit crunch on? Have they no common human decency?
Sun August 30, 2009, 9:08 am: Wedding shouts to Giss n Gaynor! I'm on my way, and I'm getting togged up sharp, mind. Watch you don't cut yo'self.
Sat August 29, 2009, 11:43 am: is not used to being the drunkest person in the room. I think I compared Jesus to Timothy Leary last night (hey, kids, drop out and follow me!), questioned His work ethic, accused the Buddha of being a world weary escapist pessimist and speculated that they both might have been gay. No one asked me to do this, and it didn't help my card game. Blasphemy never does.
Thu August 27, 2009, 5:54 pm: is looking upon you with wild surmise. (You know what wild surmise looks like.)
Tue August 25, 2009, 3:06 pm: has reached that time of year when "things I was supposed to do to make my life easier before the new school year" suddenly pop into one's noggin at an alarming rate and JUST KEEP ON COMING to the extent that one realises there is no possible way they will all happen before the start of term. Ah, boobies.
Sat August 22, 2009, 11:56 am: is so glad X-Factor is back for another weary, sisyphean round. Ah! The sound of Cowell's cynical corporate juggernaut chewing up and spitting out naive, vulnerable people for the sake of a bit of manipulative, pantomime, tabloid "emotional" human drama to rake in the ratings. And that's just the winners... "what a wonderful world" indeed. So £*%&in' glad.
Fri August 21, 2009, 12:05 pm: is back from Venice, it's all canals and art and churches n that. My keks were hip, my Euros are gone and I didn't wear socks. I don't have a tan. I seem to be incapable of getting a tan. Most of us ghostly white types burn easily, but my undead palour seems to be fire-proof. Ah, well, pale is aristocratic, I'll leave ruddy tans for the peasants who have to work in fields with the sun beating down n that.
Sun August 16, 2009, 3:30 am: is going to Venus for the next few days, it's all canals and art and churches and that. Got some hip new keks and a fist full of Euros and don't plan on wearing socks most of the time if I can help it. Will report back. (Venice, I meant Venice).
Sat August 15, 2009, 4:24 am: is ever so slightly misty-eyed at saying goodbye to all the Concord folks for another year. I even had a strange dream about you all last night. Don't worry, there were no inappropriately erotic Freudian overtones. At least not as far as my conscious self is aware.
Thu August 13, 2009, 8:08 pm: ponders how a bit of light and warmth makes one stretch out and relax compared to one's huddled-up winter self, hiding in one's den in layers of clothing as a defence against the world. No surprise that people from hot countries are reknowned for being more physically and emotionally open and less tense and guarded and stand-offish than us up-tight Northern Europeans. It's the weather. Simple as that.
Wed August 12, 2009, 7:36 pm: feels bittersweet towards the Shrewsbury Flower Show because, readers, living in this town as long as I have, it has always for me marked the End of Summer. Once them fireworks are upon us you know that, like David Bowie in the 80's, there may be some good stuff still to come, but frankly we all know the best is behind us now.
Tue August 11, 2009, 8:48 pm: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #2: "Snap your fingers, I can't snap mine/Some *&^%$£"!*& has got to keep time/I used to crack my knuckles but that weren't nice/I still bite my nails and that's a vice..." (Stevie Touch and the Lonesomes - "Snap Your Finders [I Can't Snap Mine]")
Sun August 9, 2009, 2:37 pm: has been criminally neglecting the Acapulco shirts this summer. What have I been thinking? Where's my head been at? Where ARE all my Hawaiin's? Time to dig them out, dust them off and WEAR the muthaf**kas.
Fri August 7, 2009, 8:00 pm: says: Whoah, yeah. Another good night catching up with folks at Concord... sorry I had to leave while things were still in full swing, sorry I didn't say goodbye to everyone, or even get to talk to everyone properly - too many people and too little time... and sorry I'm currently too inebriated to do much more than apologise about stuff I probably don't need to apologis about. But still... Mmm... Whoah, yeah.
Thu August 6, 2009, 2:03 pm: has today done NOTHING - NOTHING AT ALL. If you're wondering just how little that is, it's about as much as Bros owe "you".
Tue August 4, 2009, 7:26 am: 's truly ludicrous lyrics #1 "Oh whoah, oh Suzy my sweet baby/I ain't gonna be home for dinner tonight/Them eggs will be lonesome, it ain't so easy/'Cos the stomach they would fill is on the asphalt by the traffic lights." (Stevie Touch and the Lonesomes - Suzy Eggs Shawadywady)
Sat August 1, 2009, 8:00 pm: really doesn't know WHAT TO DO in nightclubs anymore - making a prick of oneself on the dancefloor has lost it's appeal, charming conversation is effectively impossible, "pulling" is frankly absurd, and I'm hardly likely to kick back and "enjoy the music". So. "Wander about like a bored, surly, caged animal" it is, then. Can we go now?
Wed July 29, 2009, 11:28 am: Nietzschean chat up lines #1: "Do you not think that together each of us will be better and more free than either of us could be alone? Will you dare to come with me on all the paths of living and thinking?" - actual lines old N. used in a letter to a "ladyfriend". Appalling as a pick-up, obviously, but I actually think the sentiment is not bad, not bad at all...
Tue July 28, 2009, 2:10 pm: has spent the day reading, ruminating and whistfully daydreaming about what might be and what never was. Will return to the real world tomorrow. Or maybe not.
Sun July 26, 2009, 8:17 am: underwhelmed by how unimaginative people's "I have never" statements are when playing the drinking game "I have never". Always the same old crap. How about "I have never shared a sleeping bag with Archbishop Desmond Tutu/attained Buddhahood/danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight/hastened a Slow Loris/resurrected for the sins of mankind"?
Wed July 22, 2009, 8:26 am: Just brilliant to see everyone at Concord last night! Yes, my plan to leave around midnight went quite radically sideways, but it meant I got the full, authentic Concord experience - up to and including the "massively-sleep-deprived-breakfast-hall-scenario". Almost tempted to get on the bus to Alton Towers with everyone. No one would have noticed.
Tue July 21, 2009, 10:46 am: Ok. Rumours of my untimely demise were, perhaps, exaggerated... yet again a week of feeling all run down like I'm about to come down with something, only for nothing at all to materialise. I feel cheated - why can't I just hunker down and get on with being ill?
Sun July 19, 2009, 8:46 am: feels very odd. Very odd indeed. Very odd. Either someone slipped me something while I slept, and this is the first rising vibes of an acid frenzy, or the pig flu has finally got me. So this may be it, folks. A tearful "adeu!" to my public... and I always thought I'd die in Paris...
Sat July 18, 2009, 9:38 am: Mother recently revealed to me that as a newborn I was incredibly hard to get to go to sleep. I would have my "screaming time" around 1am and finally drift off around 3 and sleep through until 11. This was jaw-dropping, because it all sounded very familiar. This is what my bodyclock defaults to still, if I let it. And my "screaming time" is the same too.
Fri July 17, 2009, 10:40 am: is finished. Done.
Tue July 14, 2009, 12:29 pm: formally wlecomes The Ledge and Baulty back onto home soil after their 3 week tour of the States, and expects an informative and entertaining talk with slides and "funny stories" this weekend on what they "found out".
Mon July 13, 2009, 10:15 am: Thunderstorm over the Caradoc on the way home! Raaaahh! Made me want to stride out over the mountain tops and conduct the lightning with maniacal glee to summon the Elder Gods from their aeon-spanning slumber just beyond the fragile walls of this insignificant dimensional reality. But it was a bit wet, like, so I stayed in the car.
Sat July 11, 2009, 2:54 pm: has fallen off his chair AGAIN. One minute I'm going about my business at the computer, the next my ass is on the carpet and I'm looking at the underside of the desk. Got to get this chair fixed, all this kicking about on the deck is kind of undignified, y'know?
Sat July 11, 2009, 2:01 pm: "Grief was the only rational response to the news that an employee had spent three months devising a supermarket promotion based on an offer of stickers of cartoon characters called the Fimbles... Were there not more important ambitions to be met before Death showed himself on the horizon in his hooded black cloak, his scythe slung over his shoulder?"
Mon July 6, 2009, 4:40 pm: 's hair has been naturally arranging itself into a paint-brush fringe for the past week or so, much to his amusement. This couldn't last. It has finally collapsed under it's own weight now, prefering to gesture towards the turf than the heavens, and will not be persuaded stand erect without artificial assistance.
Sun July 5, 2009, 10:33 am: feels pretty high of brow after contributing plenty to 5 quick lectures and discussions on: free will and the self, the ability of evolution to explain what humanity is, technological enhancement of the brian and body and the impact of technology on social relationships.
Thu July 2, 2009, 12:20 pm: A shout out to all the Concord College returneees! Who there and who's square? I'm obviously square, but a visit or two must be arrranged at some point (I'm only down the road)... I'm feeling tired in sympathy with you all...
Mon June 29, 2009, 1:46 pm: "Some like it hot, and some sweat when the heat is on" says Robert Palmer and the Power Station. Yes, Robert, quite so. Since you're interested, Robert, though I've never been a sun-worshipper as such, I have no complaints about the heat. It makes me feel loose and well-oiled.
Sun June 28, 2009, 5:30 pm: wonders how many bands smashed up their instruments at Glastonbury this year? Jeez, at least find an original way to do it... now if they smashed 'em up in spontaneous un-orchestrated rage two songs into the set, THAT would be impressive. The rest of the set might be a little disappointing, however...
Sun June 28, 2009, 8:37 am: spends most of the week noting things to do when he gets a free moment, and wishing he had the time and energy to do them. Then, when he gets a free moment, he doesn't feel like doing any of them anymore, does none of them (even though he has nothing better to do) and then feels listless and frustrated. What's the score with that?
Sat June 27, 2009, 10:46 am: Is enjoying everyone's Micheal Jackson two-penneth in their status updates, a heady mix of heartfelt tributes and a dazzling array of black gags. Nothing more to add, really, except, I, of course, am pondering what Nietzsche would have made of Micheal Jackson's value system.
Fri June 26, 2009, 12:11 pm: feels he should make wise-assed, timely comment on MJ's shocking demise, but is wary of being glib and inappropriate. He was a human being after all. But, screw it, I don't believe for a second that it was a naturally occuring heart attack, in fact I'm not even convinced he's actually dead...
Tue June 23, 2009, 2:28 pm: had an extremely agreeable birthday weekend, capped off by Ghostbusters on the big screen - for one night only, which happened to be my birthday (some kind of synchronicity there - they clearly put it on just for me). The terrifying spectre of death is one year closer.
Sun June 21, 2009, 8:22 am: Biblical chat-up lines #3: "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead."; Biblical chat-up lines #4: "The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon."; Biblical chat-up lines #5: "Your temples behind your veil are like two halves of a pomegranate". You get the idea.
Fri June 19, 2009, 10:33 am: Biblical chat-up lines #2: "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies." (Song of Solomon 4:5) Racy stuff.
Thu June 18, 2009, 4:00 pm: Biblical chat-up lines #1: "Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing." (Song of Solomon 4:2)
Mon June 15, 2009, 9:50 am: Is still chuckling over the term "reverse boustrophedon". He would have incredible trouble explaining to anyone just why he finds this is so amusing.
Sun June 14, 2009, 11:02 am: is inscribed using a reverse boustrophedon.
Wed June 10, 2009, 4:18 pm: is teaching political philosophy. Considering doing "ideologies week": Communism Day where we call each other "comrade" and put "The People's..." in front of everything; Capitalism Day where they have to stomp on each other for profit; Anarchy Day, where they ignore all the rules; Fascism Day where they persecute some ethnic... on second thoughts, maybe not Fascism Day.
Sat June 6, 2009, 1:31 pm: feels sorry for Horatio. "Alas! poor Yorick. I knew him, HORATIO;" and "There are more things in heaven and earth, HORATIO, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." are how those quotes ACTUALLY go. Poor old Horatio is excised from not one, but TWO famous quotes. What bum rap. "No, really, he was talking to ME when he said that..."
Thu June 4, 2009, 5:26 pm: eats a lot of fish. But it's not enough. I need to eat more fish. There are too many fish in the world that I'm not eating. Say, I've just about exhausted mackrel and haddock, and I'm getting sick of salmon now too. Any other good fish I can try? I mean good, tasty, fish. Open to suggestions.
Tue June 2, 2009, 4:23 pm: It was destiny, y’say? So things turned out pretty good for you, then, huh? ‘Cos let’s face it, no one blathers about that BS when things have gone tits up – that’d be like admitting the gods obviously hate you.
Mon June 1, 2009, 2:16 pm: Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. I got to say it was a good day.
Sun May 31, 2009, 1:28 pm: is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (Yes, there was a Gideons in my hotel room).
Thu May 28, 2009, 4:14 am: 's milk is slightly on the turn. No, that's not a euphemism, or a metaphor, my actual milk, in the fridge, is actually slightly on the turn. What the hell did you think I meant?
Tue May 26, 2009, 2:32 pm: In the cineworld ad before the trailers a guy says "I like my movies to take me to the edge of adventure... and beyond!" Now what does that MEAN exactly, cineworld? Where IS the "edge" of adventure, and how does one go "beyond" it? Does that mean going INTO adventure or PAST it? Can one set up a deckchair at the edge and eat sandwiches?
Tue May 26, 2009, 6:54 am: is considering how bonkers the phrase "a short space of time" is when you really think about it. Is it some kind of Einstein reference?
Mon May 25, 2009, 5:16 am: is just this guy, y'know?
Fri May 22, 2009, 3:00 pm: rocks up, some s*** goes down and it all kicks off.
Tue May 19, 2009, 3:04 pm: The TV said: Oldest missing link fossil gets "the scientists" excited. I said: Who are "The Scientists"? Are they a pop group? The Ledge said: I bet it doesn't get the creationists excited. They'll probably say it was "drawn by a boy".
Sat May 16, 2009, 4:12 pm: voted for Portugal because it made me feel warm inside. Yes, I watched Eurovison. No, I'm not gay.
Wed May 13, 2009, 2:36 pm: has noticed that swine flu has failed to achieve box-office gold like the media was "hoping". Have I been affecting this face-mask for nothing? You'll see - come the autumn only me, Michael Jackson and Altern8 will be left alive! You'll see.
Sun May 10, 2009, 5:14 am: "The angelic chatter of bells pealed out over the dreaming vale, loud, bright and sharp like a well-dressed Timmy Mallet."
Fri May 8, 2009, 6:44 pm: (noun): A temporary resting place for strays and wastrels.
Tue May 5, 2009, 3:54 pm: (noun): A spiky, brittle, over-complicated thing, built upon a mushy blancmange of soppy infantile neediness.
Tue April 28, 2009, 1:11 pm: enjoys watching formulaic films so he can snort "huh, writes itself" every time something cliched happens.
Mon April 27, 2009, 2:50 pm: Things occurring with unusual frequency today: 1) Cars in front of me taking right turns on the way to work. God damn it. 2) Oiky yoofs on VERY SMALL bicycles on the way back from work (3! That's 3. Count 'em.) Is there some fad for VERY SMALL bikes I'm not aware of?
Thu April 23, 2009, 5:22 pm: is a global fiscal stimulus
Sun April 19, 2009, 6:48 am: was sitting in the garden with a cup of coffee and over heard his neighbours doing Abba karaoke (just lovely). Noticed for the first time that the lyrics to "I have a dream" repeatedly say "I'LL CROSS THE STREAMS, I have a dream." Never realised that Abba battled Gozer the Destructor.
Thu April 16, 2009, 11:05 am: is amusing himself by coming up with jokes that have such obvious punchlines that they go beyond crap and are barely jokes at all: What is a camel's favourate cigarettes? Camel lights. What is a cat's favourate chocolate bar? A Kitkat. Which band wrote the first book of the Bible? Genesis. If it doesn't get a weary sigh, you're not doing it right.
Sat April 11, 2009, 7:55 am: Eggs. Oh yeah, it's Easter, put eggs on everything. CHOCOLATE eggs. Why? Cos it's Easter, the egg time of year. No one knows or cares why - if you push em they'll dredge their memories for some frankly tangential link with Jesus dying n that, but it's really 'COS WE LIKE CHOCOLATE EGGS.
Wed April 8, 2009, 10:40 am: saw a busker playing what at first sounded like "Don't worry, be happy" by Bobby McFerrin. A guy started over as if to throw some money, and it then became clear it was actually "What's going on" by 4 Non-Blondes. The guy stopped in his tracks and wandered off again, disgusted. Can't say I blame him.
Sat April 4, 2009, 12:15 pm: has run himself into the ground again and the system is crashing alarmingly... Still, two weeks now with absolutely NOTHING to do - O! Blessed relief.
Wed April 1, 2009, 2:34 pm: says: Come on now! As if facebook would only be able to monitor profile usage by sending around... a chain letter! I ain't sending that thing to no-one. (Shame on you, Amos).
Thu March 26, 2009, 1:38 pm: was given the option of 3 colours for his free mini laptop. He was dared to get a pink one, so he got a pink one. Seemed funny at the time. Now it just sits there, all pink, casting aspersions on his manhood and making him feel like some kind of pervert.
Sun March 22, 2009, 4:30 pm: bought a Momiji for his mum. The box said "I like Dexy's Midnight Runners" on the side. Thomas has no idea why.
Sat March 21, 2009, 8:40 am: has various things to get amongst, but will be with you once he's got amongst them.
Wed March 18, 2009, 6:38 pm: is joking, of course...
Sun March 15, 2009, 5:56 pm: is a right old h-boss
Sat March 14, 2009, 11:00 am: sometimes walks upright on his hind legs
Thu March 12, 2009, 1:34 pm: is clearly maladapted to life. And makes for a crap adult.
Sun March 8, 2009, 5:25 pm: ain't got TIME for THAT jive!
Sat February 21, 2009, 8:20 pm: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fri February 20, 2009, 11:02 am: has fixed the boiler all on his own and is consequently feeling hellish manly. Maybe I'll go and buy some powertools or tinker about under the car bonnet next
Thu February 19, 2009, 6:55 am: has gone to London to see the Queen. Or "queeny" as Ali prefers to be called.
Mon February 16, 2009, 6:29 am: 's face has "always seemed to me like a chord that nature has sounded in just the right way"
Wed February 11, 2009, 5:37 pm: asks: What're you doing for valentines day? I plan to go boil myself in a vat of my own rage, bile and despair. £*%&ing valentines day.
Sun February 8, 2009, 5:23 pm: says riddle me this: Question: "I have a mouth but do not speak; I have a bed but do not sleep." What am I? Answer: Nicholas Lyndhurst
Thu February 5, 2009, 2:22 pm: , on reading "Existentialism is a Humanism" concludes that existentialism is... wait for it... a humanism
Tue February 3, 2009, 2:44 pm: thinks: The informer (snow) has melted away with a satisfied smile on its face, its work here done. Thanks, snow, for a couple of days of well-needed slack
Mon February 2, 2009, 10:30 am: thinks: Informer. You-no-say-daddy-me snow.
Fri January 30, 2009, 2:59 pm: thinks: Aw, goddamn Friday night again, another weekend to get through... Hang on, that doesn't seem right, does it?
Mon January 26, 2009, 3:41 pm: left a sense of urgency by the door and The Ledge tripped over it on his way in
Sun January 25, 2009, 12:28 pm: is full of some delicious sad-eyed weariness and acceptful melancholia. (I don't think acceptful is actually a word).
Thu January 22, 2009, 5:59 pm: knows what the piste state in Obergurgl is. Didn't want to know, but the telly told me anyway.
Wed January 21, 2009, 4:48 pm: gets surpirsed and baffled at actually feeling quite warm and glowy tonight. Why? Who knows the frankly unfathomable whims of my brain chemistry.
Wed January 21, 2009, 4:46 pm: gets surpirsed and baffled at actually feeling quite warm and glowy tonight. Had almost forgotten how that felt.
Sun January 18, 2009, 7:40 am: says balls to it all. And then some. Balls. A crapping wagon load of balls.
Wed January 14, 2009, 5:12 pm: has just learnt that David Bowie is responsible for the credit crunch. He should never have killed Ziggy Stardust.
Mon January 12, 2009, 5:43 pm: is comforted by the return of the rain like an old soggy friend. I am aware this is a strange thing to say, and a strange way to feel about some crappy weather.
Sun January 11, 2009, 9:05 am: has slithered back under the rock he crawled out from. Under.
Tue January 6, 2009, 2:44 pm: reports: Bottom falls out of Ghostbusters mug revealing light sensitive diode and speaker device. Device now heralds break of dawn with Ray Parker Jr.
Mon January 5, 2009, 4:19 pm: May not have been the most care-free yuletide but one still feels an intense melancholy taking the decs down. Yeah, ok, I never need much prompting for that
Sun January 4, 2009, 11:34 am: is a philosopher of the dangerous Perhaps
Fri January 2, 2009, 10:10 am: It's two thousand and FINE now, y'hear?
Wed December 31, 2008, 1:38 pm: says: Hey, isn't it about time we knocked this 2008 business on the head?
Mon December 29, 2008, 1:48 pm: says: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ubn5YEmp1Yk . That is all.
Sat December 27, 2008, 12:39 pm: 's christmas ghostbusters mug is behaving strangely
Thu December 25, 2008, 3:28 pm: writes a song. It is a festive Rock n Roll number. It is called: "Don't go out on Christmas Eve". Just a reminder to myself for next year.
Mon December 22, 2008, 8:44 am: wonders where Orientar is and why there are so many kings there
Thu December 18, 2008, 5:52 pm: is free to enjoy his hair
Tue December 16, 2008, 5:59 pm: has a million disperate urgent things to attend to brain is crashing want to cry and he's so stressed he's still banging on about it in his profile status. Wha?
Sun December 14, 2008, 10:57 am: is glad other people had a nice weekend. No really, you kick back and have a good time. I'll just curl up here with my work-pile and hideous self-pity, hahaha
Sat December 13, 2008, 1:16 pm: Got m'coffee, m'cigarettes, m'green biro. Hunkered down for an all-night exam mark-a-thon (Except I'm on facebook atm, and then I'm having a bath). High times.
Fri December 12, 2008, 12:17 pm: currently exists in the teacher's hellish twilight world where the weekend is just means more work. No time for Christmas, kids.
Wed December 10, 2008, 4:04 pm: fights evil
Mon December 8, 2008, 6:49 pm: 6. To remove the oil baffle plate, undo the retaining bolts and remove the baffle plate from the cylinder block baseplate
Wed December 3, 2008, 6:26 pm: 5. Recover the Gasket.
Tue December 2, 2008, 2:48 pm: wants to do stuff, but is actually too cold to do stuff. Even in his "house-coat". Ridiculous.
Tue December 2, 2008, 2:47 pm: wan't to do something, but is actually too cold to do something. This is ridiculous.
Sat November 29, 2008, 2:00 pm: thinks sleeping in one's clothes is the way forward - can just get up and go, none of this silly "getting dressed" business
Sun November 23, 2008, 6:05 pm: , having survived the most self-conscious week since adolescence, is cold of gob, but unbowed
Wed November 19, 2008, 3:34 pm: is calculating whether he has had enough SINCERE compliments from ladies to counteract the deep sense of unease and mild revulsion he gets looking in the mirror
Sun November 16, 2008, 6:31 am: must repent, for the end of the beard is nigh! The 4 horsemen of gillette ride forth: foam, razor, aftershave and... um... pestilence.
Sat November 15, 2008, 10:53 am: is 24 hrs away from beard apocalypse. Have bought razor and everything. I'm scared.
Fri November 14, 2008, 11:47 am: is 48 hrs away from beard apocalypse
Thu November 13, 2008, 4:12 pm: is 72 hrs away from beard apocalypse
Tue November 11, 2008, 2:07 pm: 's eyes are bigger than his belly. Big old eyes.
Sun November 9, 2008, 4:13 pm: uses "techniques"
Tue November 4, 2008, 7:03 pm: comments: US Election Night Almost as Exciting as Eurovision
Tue November 4, 2008, 12:59 pm: made his final appeal last night to a Virginia crowd estimated at 90,000, while McCain ended his election-eve sprint in his home state of Arizona at 3am.
Mon November 3, 2008, 1:14 pm: is an irony so apocalyptic I shield my eyes from its devastation
Fri October 31, 2008, 11:47 am: is going to a halloween fancy dress party as "The Credit Crunch". Pretty scary huh?
Thu October 30, 2008, 2:19 pm: had been trying to reference the credit crunch 5 times a day to keep up with the media, but now it's not a credit crunch anymore. It's a downturn.
Tue October 21, 2008, 2:45 pm: wonders what he's supposed to do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairy Lee? Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what's going to happen.
Sun October 19, 2008, 4:13 am: , that relentless machine of emotional self-abuse, is tired of being a relentless machine of emotional self-abuse. Time to put that nonsense to bed, now, eh?
Fri October 17, 2008, 1:52 pm: is spherical and smooth to the touch
Wed October 15, 2008, 11:25 am: has missed his window of haircut opportunity for another week
Thu October 9, 2008, 5:21 pm: fears this sense of ennui has settled in for the winter. Bloody ennui.
Wed October 1, 2008, 2:54 pm: , with the roar of a conquering lion, shouted "Kaa!" and was gone.
Sun September 28, 2008, 7:06 am: is inappropriate
Sat September 27, 2008, 12:02 pm: is thinking about growing his winter coat. Need to get it dry cleaned, first.
Wed September 24, 2008, 9:43 am: has had his ego massaged by students comparing him to both Wittgenstein and Doctor Who in the space of one day. That's a good day.
Sun September 21, 2008, 3:10 pm: is listening to the freshly completed album. Call it what you like, it's not got a name yet.
Tue September 16, 2008, 3:11 pm: is fitted with a dual action truss rod
Tue September 16, 2008, 3:09 pm: entertains some bizarre notions
Sat September 13, 2008, 10:29 am: says nudge don't judge. That's what he always says.
Sun September 7, 2008, 10:55 am: has built the leaning tower of piza out of Snappy Badges
Fri September 5, 2008, 2:36 pm: had the Jesus meal - just bread n fish. Didn't make 5000 of them, but you know I could've if I'd wanted, and there was a hungry mass on my doorstep
Tue September 2, 2008, 4:54 pm: 's urbane gag about the bourbon biscuits went by completely unnoticed by his work colleagues. Maybe I need better material.
Sun August 31, 2008, 11:57 am: goes back 2 skool. Like the Deftones a couple of years ago.
Sat August 30, 2008, 11:18 am: . Yes. Thomas. That's right. Yep.
Thu August 28, 2008, 5:50 pm: bore, 'midst snow and ice, a banner with the strange device "Excelsior!"
Thomas is seeking to support colleges by enabling five clusters of three colleges and identifying a coordinator to work across each cluster. Right?
05 July 2008 at 00:27
Thomas "is friends with some people"
28 June 2008 at 18:00
Thomas has a tendency
27 June 2008 at 06:28
Thomas is showing a touch of the "Innsmouth look"
26 June 2008 at 06:26
Thomas just breezed on the baloney bus
24 June 2008 at 00:49
Thomas has had a massively bi-polar year of successes and defeats, elation and despair, lazyness and stress, confidence and doubt, clean cheeks and "sides"...
21 June 2008 at 19:45
Thomas (it's pronounced "Rafe").
17 June 2008 at 22:44
Thomas is he that liveth and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and death. Got that?
12 June 2008 at 23:05
Thomas shows up with one beer, a litre of ribena and a tin of mackrel
01 June 2008 at 02:07
Thomas's frowing face fearfully peers over crossed-arm battlements
30 May 2008 at 17:25
Thomas hears a deep sound coming down from Bobby Peru
27 May 2008 at 20:29
Thomas. That's uh m'name, ya'll. Don't waste it.
22 May 2008 at 04:00
Thomas sighs and curses the Elder Gods for his deficient fingernail. Even superglue doesn't seem to be strong enough to fingerpick guitar with.
21 May 2008 at 00:14
Thomas says: "Well, hey now, nail repair glue simply isn't strong enough. Superglue it is, then. What can I have for tea?"
20 May 2008 at 02:29
Thomas bought some nail repair glue, unaided, from a cosmetics counter today.
Does this make me "metrosexual"?
17 May 2008 at 23:03
Thomas's true name may not be uttered lest your mind implodes
14 May 2008 at 03:09
Thomas and his Amazing Friends
12 May 2008 at 00:32
Thomas has the wine and the song, but the women stayed away
07 May 2008 at 03:50
Thomas's shirt Laurence Llewelyn-Bowens out at the cuffs
02 May 2008 at 02:28
Thomas never steps in the same river twice - because it's not the same river and he's not the same
Thomas
20 April 2008 at 08:54
Thomas funds organised crime and will destroy our film and video industry
16 April 2008 at 02:22
Thomas has failed to wrestle the olympic torch off Blue Peter's Konnie Huq.
06 April 2008 at 19:39
Thomas is what happens when you **** a stranger in the ***
02 April 2008 at 08:58
Thomas hesitates, suspicious like a slow-moving mogpuss with it's ears pinned back, before using such ham-fisted breeze-block words as "truth"
26 March 2008 at 22:04
Thomas is the touch of cool chagrin that settles on the features like a miasma of old tobacco smoke when one fails to adequately parry another's "quick stuff"
18 March 2008 at 03:40
Thomas is writing "is writing 'is writing in his profile status' in his profile status" in his profile status.
08 March 2008 at 18:33
Thomas is writing "is writing in his profile status" in his profile status.
05 March 2008 at 08:02
Thomas is writing this in his profile status
02 March 2008 at 09:28
Thomas comes alive!
08 February 2008 at 05:43
Thomas welcomes watchers of illusion to the castle of confusion.
31 January 2008 at 04:49
Thomas is the apocalypse
27 January 2008 at 02:11
Thomas - yearh, that's what they call me, dig?
16 January 2008 at 06:03
Thomas has this report:
08 January 2008 at 05:34
Thomas walks into a bar. The barmans says: "why the long face?" Thomas says "You calling me a horse?" The barman says: "How does it smell?" Thomas says: "Terrible!"
05 January 2008 at 22:16
Thomas moves in mysterious ways
05 January 2008 at 03:15
Thomas will kill again
29 December 2007 at 01:10
Thomas !
24 December 2007 at 08:45
Thomas is your best bet for a fuller flavour
10 December 2007 at 23:03
Thomas is making an omlette without breaking eggs
28 November 2007 at 02:52
Thomas is the Way and the Light
23 November 2007 at 07:03
Thomas is not sleepy, and there is no place he's going to
20 November 2007 at 22:02
Thomas is Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby
16 November 2007 at 01:42
Thomas is failing to see what is so "spooky" about a pair of specs in the shape of two pumpkins. They don't creep me out in the slightest.
30 October 2007 at 07:18
Thomas is all your fault
27 October 2007 at 22:58
Thomas is 10% more Thomas than he actually is.
17 October 2007 at 01:16
Thomas is your favourate smell
16 October 2007 at 07:12
Thomas is not the droids you're looking for
15 October 2007 at 05:45
Thomas is wrapped in the "sick blanket"
13 October 2007 at 17:20
Thomas is leaping like a spring gazelle
06 October 2007 at 02:28
Thomas is now gonna sing the Perry Mason theme. Da-daaaah, da-DAH! Da-daaaah, da-DAH!
06 October 2007 at 01:38
Thomas is the ancient Sumerian god of rivers and basket weaving
19 September 2007 at 03:48
Thomas is laughing at a battery.
12 September 2007 at 03:49
Thomas is become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
29 August 2007 at 04:19
17 May 2008 at 23:03
Thomas's true name may not be uttered lest your mind implodes
14 May 2008 at 03:09
Thomas and his Amazing Friends
12 May 2008 at 00:32
Thomas has the wine and the song, but the women stayed away
07 May 2008 at 03:50
Thomas's shirt Laurence Llewelyn-Bowens out at the cuffs
02 May 2008 at 02:28
Thomas never steps in the same river twice - because it's not the same river and he's not the same
Thomas
20 April 2008 at 08:54
Thomas funds organised crime and will destroy our film and video industry
16 April 2008 at 02:22
Thomas has failed to wrestle the olympic torch off Blue Peter's Konnie Huq.
06 April 2008 at 19:39
Thomas is what happens when you **** a stranger in the ***
02 April 2008 at 08:58
Thomas hesitates, suspicious like a slow-moving mogpuss with it's ears pinned back, before using such ham-fisted breeze-block words as "truth"
26 March 2008 at 22:04
Thomas is the touch of cool chagrin that settles on the features like a miasma of old tobacco smoke when one fails to adequately parry another's "quick stuff"
18 March 2008 at 03:40
Thomas is writing "is writing 'is writing in his profile status' in his profile status" in his profile status.
08 March 2008 at 18:33
Thomas is writing "is writing in his profile status" in his profile status.
05 March 2008 at 08:02
Thomas is writing this in his profile status
02 March 2008 at 09:28
Thomas comes alive!
08 February 2008 at 05:43
Thomas welcomes watchers of illusion to the castle of confusion.
31 January 2008 at 04:49
Thomas is the apocalypse
27 January 2008 at 02:11
Thomas - yearh, that's what they call me, dig?
16 January 2008 at 06:03
Thomas has this report:
08 January 2008 at 05:34
Thomas walks into a bar. The barmans says: "why the long face?" Thomas says "You calling me a horse?" The barman says: "How does it smell?" Thomas says: "Terrible!"
05 January 2008 at 22:16
Thomas moves in mysterious ways
05 January 2008 at 03:15
Thomas will kill again
29 December 2007 at 01:10
Thomas !
24 December 2007 at 08:45
Thomas is your best bet for a fuller flavour
10 December 2007 at 23:03
Thomas is making an omlette without breaking eggs
28 November 2007 at 02:52
Thomas is the Way and the Light
23 November 2007 at 07:03
Thomas is not sleepy, and there is no place he's going to
20 November 2007 at 22:02
Thomas is Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby
16 November 2007 at 01:42
Thomas is failing to see what is so "spooky" about a pair of specs in the shape of two pumpkins. They don't creep me out in the slightest.
30 October 2007 at 07:18
Thomas is all your fault
27 October 2007 at 22:58
Thomas is 10% more Thomas than he actually is.
17 October 2007 at 01:16
Thomas is your favourate smell
16 October 2007 at 07:12
Thomas is not the droids you're looking for
15 October 2007 at 05:45
Thomas is wrapped in the "sick blanket"
13 October 2007 at 17:20
Thomas is leaping like a spring gazelle
06 October 2007 at 02:28
Thomas is now gonna sing the Perry Mason theme. Da-daaaah, da-DAH! Da-daaaah, da-DAH!
06 October 2007 at 01:38
Thomas is the ancient Sumerian god of rivers and basket weaving
19 September 2007 at 03:48
Thomas is laughing at a battery.
12 September 2007 at 03:49
Thomas is become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
29 August 2007 at 04:19
Thomas isn't over till the fat lady sings
24 August 2007 at 23:31
Thomas is a fun day out for all the family
22 August 2007 at 02:00
Thomas is here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and he's all out of gum.
24 August 2007 at 23:31
Thomas is a fun day out for all the family
22 August 2007 at 02:00
Thomas is here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and he's all out of gum.
12 August 2007 at 17:46
Thomas is being born today. Filled with melancholy at the thought. Old.
22 June 2007 at 19:54
Thomas is being born today. Filled with melancholy at the thought. Old.
22 June 2007 at 19:54
